


Pull to the smallside 1: A little hope

by novelicerose



Series: Pull to the smallside [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Humor, Ben doesn't remember at first that he was Kylo and thinks he's just a innocent but naughty child, Chewie has darkside, Child Neglect, Corporal Punishment, Family Fluff, Father-Son Relationship, Finn is a bit of prick but he just worried, Han Solo Lives, Han and Leia made mistakes in the past but plan to make things right, Han and Leia still make mistakes but can they fix them in time, Kylo/ Ben deaaged, Lots of Cuddling, Mother-Son Relationship, Other, Parents Han and Leia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rey babysits Ben, but everyone has their darkside, but everyone will make it right this time, can't be Reylo until Ben turns into an adult, child Ben still has a darkside, cute but dark, doesn't trust Ben as a child, forceghosts, in the past but fluff today, so for now they are siblings but not related, spoiler yes, this is family fluff for kriffing out loud, what is Luke hiding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 15:24:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 83,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15799284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novelicerose/pseuds/novelicerose
Summary: The force has some new plans for Kylo Ren/Ben Solo and that is..to turn him into a small child? Does the force only have very sick humor...or is there a bigger reason behind the change? A very different Star Killer base scene towards the end of TFA. Fluff and angst. COMPLETE (working on a sequel). This was written before TLJ and I'm working on sequel that takes place in TLJ or with elements there.





	1. A fateful change

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this story first on fanfiction.net.

 

Father and son are having a conversation on the catwalk inside the oscillator. Kylo Ren knows what he has to do but it is killing him inside...or rather Ben. Kylo doesn't mind, in fact he knows he has to do this in order to become stronger. It is time to undo the mistake, the only mistake Darth Vader ever made by loving his family, leading to him killing the emperor to save his son, thus ending the successful reign of the Empire. A mistake the supreme leader doesn't want Kylo to make.

A flood of precious light flows over them from the window.

"I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Can you help me?" Ben's voice is on the verge of breaking.

"Anything."

Ben hands him the lightsaber. A spark of hope comes into his father's eyes.

Suddenly the precious light gets sucked away, as the sun gets drained into the superweapon on the Star Killer base, ready to shoot at the system where the rebel base resides.

A glint of madness comes into Kylo's eyes, but just as he is about to ignite the lightsaber and therefore cutting through his father, ending his life, the pull to the light inside him fights back with vigour.

"No..." Ben turns quickly away from his father and grabs his head in agony. The light and dark battle fiercely inside him over who will dominate.

"Ben?" His father ask worried behind him.

"Don't...come near me..." Ben says in a pained voice. The darkness is too strong, the darkness inside the oscillator engulfing him and yet the light fights bravely, against all odds, giving him a tremendous headache, blinding him.

_I'm losing...my mind..._

"BEN!" Is the last thing he hears his father shout before he passes out on the catwalk.

* * *

_Where am I?_

Ben hears audible gasp coming above him.

He glances up and sees two people on balcony, far above him standing next to a open window. A old yet young, could be in her twenties, which is still old but beautiful woman and man about the same age as her, who looks at him like they can't believe their own eyes.

_Who are these people? They seem familiar...but I don't think I have ever met them. Maybe in a dream?_

He moves his eyes down and notices Chewie on a deck above him, who blinks furiously.

"Hi Chewie!" He yells happily in small voice and waves to him with his long sleeves. Chewie doesn't answer, he looks speechless for some reason.

_Why are my clothes so...so baggy?_

Ben lifts up his long sleeves, with a confusion on his face and is met with the gaze of his father, of his elderly father.

"Why are you so old?" Ben asks in a small voice.

_This is all so strange. Am I dreaming?_

"Ben...?" Is the only thing his father asks in a strained voice.

"Yes, who else?" Ben says in annoyed voice.  _Doesn't his own father recognize him? But why is he so ooold?_

"Where is uncle Luke? The last thing I remember I was about to train with him...and what's up with with these clothes? Why are they so huge?" He irritably swings his long sleeves and tries to take a step forward in his big boots but falls right into the arms of his father who catches him before he can hurt himself by falling on the steel catwalk.

"I can't walk in this." Ben pouts while his father scoops him up into his arms and picks him up.

"Let's get you back to your mother...she will explain, okay...kid?" His father start carry him out of the room.

"Okay...whose helmet is that?" Ben points over his his father's shoulder, on a black helmet lying on the catwalk. "It looks like Darth Vaders..."

"Yours..." His father says with a great disdain in his voice, like the helmet had hurt him in some way.

"Mine? It's so big...wait, why was I wearing a helmet?"

"Leave it, you don't need it."

Ben turns forward, his eyes goes wide when he sees what his father is holding."A lightsaber!"

He manages to snatches it from his father despite his long sleeves and get a good grip of it.

"Don't...!"

Ben ignites the lightsaber, thankfully a long away from his father.

"Coool...!" Ben looks spellbound on the lightsaber, the red sparks dancing in his eyes with the unique buzz. He swings it around in slow motion and slices it through the railing.

"Oops..!"

A part of railing falls of and drops into the abyss below them.

In one quick motion his father confiscated the saber, turns it off and puts it into his trousers pocket. "I said... don't."

"Why not?"

"It's dangerous."

"Is it mine?"

_No, that ridiculous why would I own a lightsaber...?_

"Yes..."

_Huh? That's a surprise, I thought I wasn't allowed to use one yet._

"Then why can't I use it?"  
"You're too small for it."

"Then why do I own one? And why is it...red and has a cross? Did uncle Luke give it to me...? That can't be, red is for the dark side..isn't it? Or has he changed the rules?"

"I will explain...everything later." His father looks up onto the deck above them. "Chewie, wait for us to get to safety, then blow up this station."

Chewie growls. " _Yes, sir."_

* * *

"Awesome!" Ben yells in delight, when the the station blows up behind them with huge racket, after they have gotten far outside.

They meet the beautiful lady and the man outside the base. There is snow and the ground rumbles under them and it looks like it's is about to shatter apart at any moment. X-wings fly are flying in the sky above them and shooting like crazy at the building Chewie just blew up.

_What a dangerous place, what are we doing here? And who are these people? And why do they look so familiar?_

"Let's get back to the Falcon." His father says, in a no nonsense, no question asked voice, Ben is so familiar with.

" _Why not?"_

" _Because I said so!"_

The young lady and young man just nod their head, still looking bewildered over something.

_Maybe we are all stuck in the same weird dream?_


	2. A new beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is child and doesn't remember anything...why is everything so weird...?

His father pilots the Falcon and Chewie is his co-pilot, just like old times. Ben is glad to be able to see Chewie again, as he hadn't seen him since he returned home to Kashyyyk. The inseparable duo is back together again but Ben feels left out as he isn't allowed to be in the cockpit with them. Instead he was planted at the holochess set and told to behave.

Thankfully Ben wasn't left alone in there as the beautiful woman and the strange man are there to watch over him...or rather watch him, as they stand and stare at him from the other end of the room, like they are afraid they can catch something from him.

In a uncomfortable silence they can't stop staring at him, probably because of his big clothes and Ben can't blame them for it, as himself doesn't understand why he is wearing such a baggy, dark clothes, has weird but cool lightsaber and used to wear a helmet, very similar to Darth Vader.

He hates these big uncomfortable clothes that are like a straight jacket except he can move albeit very slowly. Thankfully the undergarment is the right size as he is or it would be really weird.

_Did I throw this clothes on? Was I playing dressup...again?_

Ben feels this is somewhat similar to something he did not that long ago, after he had seen a holo of Darth Vader in history lesson. Most of the kid were very afraid but for some reason Ben was fascinated by him and felt a strong connection to him. A connection he had not felt with any of the Jedi legends uncle Luke had shown him except Anakin Skywalker, but that was to be excepted as he was his grandfather and the chosen one. So how come he felt a similar connection to this Darth Vader man or machine?

Ben at first tried to ask his parent how come he felt such a strong connection and their reaction was shock and the same old, you are too young to know anything, stop asking. He even tried to ask his uncle one time he stepped by, who only scolded him for trying to get information about an old darkside user.

" _Focus on the lightside users, they are your role models."_ His uncle has told him. " _Like Anakin Skywalker, your grandfather, the chosen one and a war hero."_

Ben rolled his eyes, as he knew everything that was to be know about him till his death in the Clone wars and yet he felt there were something his uncle and rest of the family weren't telling him.  _Was his grandfather really his perfect?_ How could his mom and uncle even know anything about him when their father had died when they were born?

As none of his family wanted to answer him, even though clearly they knew something about why Ben felt this connection to Darth Vader, Ben decided to a little investigation of his own, by dressing like him maybe the force would give him some answers?

So he made a very crude version of Darth Vader clothes and helmet, out of paper in school. He put it on and and planned on doing his investigation without his parents finding out, the teacher should only think it was innocent play after all. No such luck, as his home room teacher became frightened at his sight and called his parents to a meeting.

The seriousness of the meeting, was like Ben was trying to become Darth Vader in real life, instead of just acting like him.

When they came home his mother cried and his dad yelled at him: " _He tortured your mother. He put me in carbonite."_

Ben was shocked over that information but reacted in anger. " _How was I supposed to know?! You never tell me anything!"_

" _You're too young."_ His mom said like that could explain everything.

" _Go to your room."_

_I didn't mean to make mom cry..._

Later that day his parents told him they overreacted and apologized to him. They told Ben that he should never imitate Darth Vader again as he was a very bad man and not a role model at all.

Ben promised that but when he wanted to know more about who this Darth Vader was, his parents told him to wait until he got older. They probably hoped he would have forgotten all about him by then.

_But that was mostly a play though with a purpose. But this is something else, who owns these clothes and where are my old ones? Nothing makes sense..._

Nevertheless despite being only a ten year old, Ben understands that something huge must have happened, judging from the grim face of his father, worried look of Chewie and the shocked look of the strangers.

_And what's up with this strange place, why was dad and I in the middle of this cat walk and why did dad blow up the place? And why does dad look so old all of sudden...?_

Ben has so many question, but he's too afraid to ask any of them as he can feel the thick tension in the air. His father had also told him to wait til they would meet his mother, although he was very happy to be able to meet her again as he had been devastated to had to leave her, he didn't know if he could wait that long. He had always had trouble waiting and his uncle had often scolded him, told him this was not the Jedi way. Ben wasn't even sure he wanted to be Jedi anymore.

_Could it be that I ran away from uncle Luke's training? Or is all this a part of it? What was I doing with a lightsaber in first place, uncle Luke would never allow me to have a one, this young. Who gave it to me then? Why was I forced to go to train with uncle again...?_

Ben remembers faintly how a creepy used to voice to talk to him, a voice that haunted him in his nightmares.

He shivers at the reminder.  _Thank the force that it's gone now! Whatever it was...I'm going home. I don't ever want to leave again..._

* * *

Ben looks at the strangers that are only interested in what appears to be a staring competion with him except he's not participating. Neither of them dares to take a seat or move in any way.

Very _strange people. What are they so afraid of? We have escaped this strange place, there is nothing to worry about any more..._

Ben sighs. _I wish I remembered what happened, why everything is so strange but I can't remember anything except going away with uncle Luke..._

He turns his attention from the freaked out strangers to the holochess before him. He smiles when he remembers how Chewie had taught him to play it and always allowed him to win, only because he was a kid. It annoyed Ben that Chewie underestimated him like that but he would give anything now for Chewie to appear and play at least one game with him.

 _It's not fair! Why did dad and Chewie leave me alone with strangers that appears to fear me for some reason?_   _But dad must trust these strangers...though they don't seem very friendly_.  _Maybe I should go to dad instead...but I can hardly move in these big clothes...I'm so bored!_

Ben kick off his heavy boots which land on the floor with a great bang.

The strange man jumps up as if he had heard gunshot.

"What was that?" He glances around in fright, like a trapped animal.

"I don't know." The woman doesn't appear to be as frightened as the man but nevertheless keeps her guard up.

Ben looks back at the holochess.

 _Maybe the strangers want to play? It could help them relax._ He turns it on.

When the holographic figures appear and start to slam each other, the man yelps and jumps up again.

_Is that man afraid of everything?_

"What's he doing?" The strange guy whispers in a loud conspiracy like voice to the woman.

"Maybe he want us to play with him?" The woman whispers back, in an equally loud voice.

"Force no, I'm not going to play with him."

_Why do they keep talking about me like I'm not here? Like I'm some kind of animal...are they really afraid of me?_

"He's just a kid now."

_Now? What do they mean? I have always been a kid, too young for this and that. Did I maybe turn into some kind of a monster...nah, how should that even be possible?_

"A dangerous kid. Don't underestimate him, this could all be one trick."

_Dangerous? Me? Ah, they probably saw the saber. That explains their reaction, everyone is afraid of lightsabers except Jedis...and probably Siths._

Ben turns of the holochess. "You have nothing to fear, dad took my lightsaber away...not that I had planned on using it."

The strange guy just snorts like he doesn't believe Ben.

"Okay, I had planned on using it for fun, not against you...but I'm not allowed to..."

_Maybe they are afraid of my forcepowers?_

"I won't use the force against you either."

They become even more afraid that he mentioned the force.

_Maybe they are so afraid of me because of my powers? But they shouldn't be, it's not like I am Sith! And anyway, I can feel that the woman has powers too, so he really can't judge... Maybe she needs a teacher? Is she going to see Uncle Luke? Ah, I know what happened!_

_Uncle Luke decided at the last moment that it wouldn't be wise to train me, as I am too young, can't even hold a lightsaber and therefor he is sending me back home and instead for me...uncle Luke plans on teaching this woman, as he saw I was too young and immature…wait isn't it better to teach the force as young as possible? Shouldn't it be the the other way around? I thought the older you got the more prone you are to the darkside or something..._

_Ugh…nothing makes sense…._

_I could also have made some major trouble for him and that's why he send me home. Yeah, I must have done something that pissed him so much off...or as pissed off as Jedi is allowed to be, so he was forced to send me back. And this woman and man are part of the Jedi Academy and got exiled too...for some reason. Could be my fault..._

_Though I don't remember having done anything…but that could explain why dad looks so lost, and has grey hair all of a sudden….as he does not know what to do with my any longer and that's why are going to see mom...to have her deal with me..._

Ben grows cold and grips his head in panic.  _I hope she will believe I don't remember doing anything! It wouldn't be fair to get into trouble for something you don't even remember doing...right?!_


	3. A touch of a lightsaber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is naughty and flirts with Rey...even though he is just a child...

The beautiful woman looks at him sympathetically. Ben feels a strong connection to her through the force he can't explain.

_The strangers should be able to answer at least some of my questions...but how can I get them to stop treating me like a wild animal?_

Ben turns to the woman and says the first thing that pops into his head. "You look like an angel."

The woman looks taken aback by that compliment or maybe just for the fact that a ten year old was hitting on her. "Thanks...I guess...I'm Rey." She smiles, but Ben notices that it doesn't reach her eyes.

"I'm...Ben." He answers in a shy voice.

_She's so beautiful and why does she looks so familiar?_

She looks at him curiously while the man keeps standing, like he is not sure whether he should stay or run for some reason. The woman start to walk over to Ben but the man stops her by gripping her arm.

"Rey, don't."

"Finn, don't be like that. We are the good guys, we should be nice to him."

_Good guys? Since when am I a bad guy?_

Finn looks like he has swallowed a bantha poodoo in whole. "We should be nice? How about him...?" Finn points rudely at Ben.

"He's nice now." Rey takes a seat beside Ben while the man called Finn just shakes his head in disbelief and then scowls at Ben. "If you try something, I'm telling your dad."

"Try what?"

_Is angry because I kinda flirted with her earlier? Is he her boyfriend? But he can't be afraid of a competition from a ten year old?_

"Finn..." Rey just shakes her head tiredly.

"Are you together?"

Finn looks like Ben just punched him in the face. "Huh?"

Rey just blinks. "What did you say?"

_Adults are so weird...but why do I feel like I know them?_

"Do we...know each other?" Ben asks.

Rey and Finn exchange looks.

"I'm not telling him anything." Finn says in hard voice.

_Why does this guy hate me some much? He must be connected to the Jedi Academy...though I feel like he's not force sensitive...what could I have done to raise such a reaction from him? Did I prank him or something?_

Rey glances worriedly at me and bites down on her lip. "It's...a hard question. What's the last thing you remember?"

_Last thing? Ah, so I do have amnesia. That explains a lot!_

"I was going away with uncle Luke. We were going to look for the first Jedi temple..which would've been very boring so I'm glad I'm going home again! Back to my family!"

Ben notices that the words back to my family hits Rey with a bang in the chest.

"Good for you.." She grimaces and yet tries to smile.

"Why are you so sad?" Ben asks, he feels through the force that there is great sadness within her, a deep pain.

"I..." Rey exhales, like this is a secret she has been keeping for a long time. "I've been waiting forever for my family to return home."

"That's so sad! Why did the leave you?"

_Who does something like that?!_

"I...don't know."

Ben puts a hand over her hand to show emotional support or rather his longs sleeve.

Rey looks at his sleeve over her hand, a little surprised over the gesture but doesn't try to move away.

"Don't you dare touch her'!" Finn shouts at Ben like he could dirty her in anyway, who jolts up and withdraws his hand, sleeve. "Sorry..."

_He must love her or something..._

Rey glares at Finn who stands by the sofa. "Don't be so mean."

Finn gapes at her. "But I...he..." Finn points at Ben who blinks in innocent surprise.

Rey smiles encouragingly at Ben who returns her smile.

"Here, let me help you with this." Rey starts to roll up his sleeve.

_At least Rey doesn't hate me, I can't have been that mean to her...I hope._

"I hope your family will return one day."

Rey stops rolling up his sleeve and stares into space for a long while.

"Rey?" Finn asks in a worried voice. Ben becomes worried too.

_Did I do something wrong?_

"I did...hope...once..." Rey's shoulder start shaking. "...but then I heard that they would never return..." Tears start to streak down her cheeks, like she has been holding them in for too long. "Sorry.." She sniffles, and rubs her eyes, in a vain attempt to dry them away. "They...won't stop..."

"Rey..." Finn looks lost in how to react while Ben scoots closer to her, slowly thanks to the baggy clothes and gives her a hug, despite Finn's warning earlier about not touching her.

_She needs me..._

Rey is so shocked that she stops crying and hugs him back.

"I'm sorry I was so mean to you."

Rey let's go of him in surprise. "What...what do you remember?"

Ben looks surprised over his own words. "I don't know...I don't know why I said that. I just know that I was mean to you and for that I'm sorry."

_What did I do to her?_

"You're forgiven." Rey smiles and ruffles his hair. "Wait, here I will get something to adjust your clothes."

Rey leaves the room, leaving Ben alone with Finn.

"Forgiven...?" Finn asks in his ever disbelieving voice. "You are lucky that she even talks to you."

"I said was sorry...but I don't remember anything."

"Very convenient."

"Who are you...? If you don't mind me asking..."

_And why do you kriffing hate me so much?_

Finn doesn't answer, just glares at him and Ben is starting to think that this is the only facial expression he can make. Ben stares back intent on winning this staring contest once and for all.

A blurry image starts to form in his mind, maybe because of staring too intently, but all of a sudden he sees Finn in a white stormtrooper armour.

"Wait, I know who you are. You're...FN2187..."

_Whatever that is...and why do I even know that?_

"I have name now it's Finn!" The young man shouts at him, like Ben had just insulted him greatly.

_He hates me even more now...great..._

"Sorry, I didn't mean to call you that robot like name...how was I mean to you?"

"It's complicated." Finn can't look into his big innocent eyes.

"Well, then I'm sorry for...whatever I did."

Finn is not as forgiving as Rey so he doesn't answer him and turns away from him. Ben knows it's the best he's going to get from that furious man and to his relief Rey appears again with a toolbox.

* * *

"There, now you can at least move properly until you get some...better clothes." Rey says after having tailored his baggy clothes with some work scissors from the toolbox.

"Thanks!" Ben happily moves his now free arms and feet. He bounces on the sofa in joy.

_Yay! I'm free again! Now if I could only get my lightsaber back...just so the hilt on my belt won't feel so empty..._

"I'm sorry I can't do anything to change your..boots." Rey indicates the big black boots he kicked to the floor.

Ben smiles at her. "No worries, this is great, thanks again."

Rey just nods and bends down to put the toolbox on the floor next to his boots.

"Where are you going next?" Ben asks.

Rey sits up again. "Pardon?"

"Now that your family is gone...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to pry...I just..." Ben turns away and blushes in shame.

_I don't want to remind her of that sadness..._

To Ben's relief she doesn't start crying again, instead she smiles sadly. "It's okay. I was told to look for Luke Skywalker."

Ben turns to her in surprise.

_Look? So she was not a part of the Jedi Academy? She's heading there now, what about Finn?_

Finn who had so far only observed while Rey tailored Ben's clothes, clear his throat and steps forward. "Speaking of Luke. I was supposed to give you this." He hands Rey a lightsaber.

Ben knows instantly from the force signature to whom this lightsaber belonged to...to someone close in his family.

_Luke's lightsaber! Where did he get that? I thought he had lost it in Bespin in the fight against Vader... though I still wonder how Luke got away. Why didn't Vader try to kill him? Mom told me they didn't even talk together. Everything about that fight seems off...you alway have some words for your_ _opponent...I think..._

"Where did you get that?" Rey asks Finn without accepting the saber. She seems to be afraid of the saber for some reason.

_Does she know about it's history?_

"Maz gave it to me. Now, you have a weapon against..." Finn indicates with his head where Ben sits.

_Me? Why would she need a weapon against me? I'm unarmed! And I'm just a...!_

Rey knits her brows. "Finn, he's a little child."

"I know, but you never know." Finn impatiently hands her the lightsaber. "I have tried using it. It didn't go so well..." Finn says shamefaced.

_He has tried the lightsaber? Though he's not even force sensitive...no fair! If I had my own I would beat him in a fight._

"I'm not going to chop him down." Rey accepts the saber from Finn's hand puts just as she is about to put it in her pocket, Ben points at it with small greed in his eyes. "This lightsaber, it belongs to me."

_Don't put the lightsaber away before I even get to try it!_

Rey lifts an eyebrow. "Sorry?"

"See, I told you he is dangerous." Finn glowers at Ben like always.

Ben ignores Finn's ever present glare and says in milder tone for Rey's ear only. "I mean, it's a family heirloom. Can I try it...Please?"

Rey looks uncertain while Finn backs away and shakes his head fervently and arms no.

"I am just going to take a look. It's a legendary saber and Dad...took mine away..."

Ben gives her the best puppy eyes possible.

_I might take one innocent swing...no harm done...and come on I need to scare this Finn guy a tiny bit...give him some reason to be afraid of me..._

Ben chuckles inside his head.

Rey nods after some thought, since gratefully she can't read his mind and hands it over. "Okay, but no turning it on...BEN!"

Ben has already turned it on.

_Yes! I got a lightsaber again!_

He giggles in delight, jumps up in sofa and swings it around freely. Rey stands up with a grim look and attempts to get the lightsaber back with force, while Finn runs away in horror and hides in the other end of the room, like the sight of Ben jumping around with a lightsaber is the worst thing he has seen.

"Yah! You better run!" Ben yells at him and grins madly.

_This is so much fun!_

"Ben, give it back NOW!" Rey shouts at him, in a voice very similar to his mother.

Ben gulps, as he knows he has already gone too far but he couldn't resist a little swing as he never know when he will get to try one ever again and really he had to scare Finn a tiny bit, he didn't mean to traumatize him in any way.

_No reason to let dad know about this...it's was only harmless fun..._

But just as he plans on obeying Rey and turn of the saber, he gets an irritable urge to use it to slice through the ship, like he is used to messing up equipment with his own lightsaber.

_Strange...? Why would I do something like that?_

"Ben, I'm warning you...I will go and get your dad..."

"Go and get his dad now!" Finn yells in desperation where he is covering behind a container.

 _Oh, o..._ Suddenly Ben is left powerless to do nothing except watching himself, turn around, lift the blue saber up and use it to slice right through the inside of the Falcon.

"No! Dad will kill me!" Ben shouts at the invincible force controlling him but the damage is already done.

He turns off the saber and looks in horror at his work, thankfully the cut wasn't too deep but nevertheless it was an ugly streak.

_I'm doomed! Chewie will rip my arms off if dad doesn't kill me first..._

Rey uses the time he is shocked to the core, to rip the saber away from him, pull his ear and drag him back into his seat.

She stands with her hands on her hip and shakes a finger at him."That was very naughty Ben. You can't have lightsaber unless you use it responsible."

"Sorry..." Ben has downcast eyes and rubs his sore ear lobe.

"I've have to inform your father about this."

Finn nods in complete agreement with Rey, where he appears from behind the container.

"No, don't please!"

_Not that I can hide that damage for long...but I'm not ready to meet him yet..._

Ben stiffens when he hears hurried footsteps and his father and Chewie suddenly appears from the cockpit looking worried.

* * *

"Are you alright? I thought I heard some shouting..." His father stops in his tracks when seeing the damage. He sees the lightsaber in Rey's hand, puts two and two together, turns to his son and scowls at him. "Ben!"

Chewie growls at him. " _What have you done?!"_

_I will just hide in a container and hope dad ships me away by accident, preferreably to mom, though she will also be angry if she hears what I did...or maybe he will do it anyway. He will at least disown me after this..._

"It's my fault. I tried to stop him." Rey says in his defence. "I showed him this." She shows him Luke's lightsaber.

Apparently his father has already seen it, as he does not react surprised in any way. No, all his focus is on his son who tries to crawl under the chess table in the all the confusion.

"Rey, it was all his doing." Finn, who has suddenly got a lot braver after Ben was disarmed, drags him from under the table and puts him before his furious father.

_Traitor! Wait no...I knew Finn wouldn't have my back..._

His father looks at him with crossed arms and a stern look that would make even the most hardened Siths shake in their boots. "Yes, don't try to cover for him. I already forbid him to use lightsabers...so what do you have to say for yourself, young man?!"

Chewie growls at him with only growling this time no words.

_He must really be angry at me since he has started roaring like an animal..._

Ben fumbles for an excuse under his father's unwavering angry stare. "Uhm...Kylo Ren made me do it?"

_What, who is that? Maybe he owns these strange clothes I'm wearing and the lightsaber? Did I steal it from him? Whoever that it...but it does sound so familiar..._

To Ben's surprise, his father's features changes with a lightspeed from furious to sorrowful.

_Dad bought it, that it wasn't my fault? Who is this Kylo Ren guy anyway?_

Even Rey, Finn and Chewie looks shocked that he mentioned that guy and Ben noticed that they even look frightened.

_Should I be afraid of this guy? Maybe it wasn't so wise to lie it was his fault? He might become mad at me...whoever that is..._

Ben is drawn quickly away from his thoughts, when suddenly his father puts a hand on his shoulder making him look up.

"No more ligthsaber nonsense." His father says in tired voice, not with the slightest hint of anger anymore.

Ben meet his eyes and notices that there is only sadness there for some reason, but he doesn't comment on that, thought it worries him deeply and only nods. "Yes...dad."

"Good boy." His father pats him on the head and starts walking back to the cockpit.

_That's it? No shipping me away or disowning me?_

Rey look surprised but Finn is shocked that Ben got away with what he must think is murder, considering how much of a drama queen he is.

Chewie looks to be the least happy at all as he growls at Ben's father: " _Are you just going to let him get away with it, scot free?"_

"What do you want me to do?" His father turns back, as annoyed over Chewie's interference as Ben is, though Ben is more afraid.

_Don't rip my arms off! I will take any punishment except that!_

" _You know what he needs...he has been asking for it in a long time..." Chewie says in matter of factly like voice._

_Needs? I don't need anything except an escape from here if you don't shut up..._

"He's not the same person..."

" _But he could end up like it, if you're not careful."_

"End up like what?" Ben got more frightened the longer the conversation got, as he doesn't understand anything they are talking about, despite understanding Chewie language perfectly it does nothing in helping him to understand the meaning.

His father exhales tiredly. "You're right, I can't just ignore this." He takes a step forward. "Come here, son."

_Oh, no..._

"Rey, can you pilot for me...this might take a while..."

_I don't like the sound of that!_

Rey nods in understanding and Chewie and Finn follows her into the cockpit.

_I changed my mind, don't like that punishment either! I don't want any punishment!_

Ben looks frantically for an escape, wishing he still had either of the lightsabers to cut himself way out, though obviously he would only end up in space, but that was far safer than staying here with his father.

His escape attempts are stopped even before they begin when his father captures him and sits down with him. Ben yelps in fright but the only thing his father does is embracing him tightly.

* * *

Ben get's frightened after while when his father has done nothing except hugging him. He doesn't even speak to him.

"Dad...?" Ben asks tentatively.

_Is he alright? I don't think he has ever hugged me this long..._

"I've wanted to do that for a long time..." His father's voice breaks. Ben can feel how his shoulder shake.

_No way is he...?_

"Dad..are you crying? I'm sorry I hurt your ship. I know how much it means to you."

_I made him cry...I didn't know he would react like that over me hurting his ship...! It makes me feel ten times worse...but it was accident! I know he loved his ship...but not that much!_

"It's all right...I was more worried that you had hurt yourself...I'm just so glad to have you back..." His father wipes his eyes with his sleeve, kisses him on the top of his head and hugs him tighter.

_Get me back? But you and mom send me away..._

Ben can take shouting but not this quiet sadness like someone had died or something, it's really freaking him out.

_Something serious must have happened for dad to act like this...is uncle Luke okay? Did something happen to mom?_

Ben hugs him back. "Dad...whatever I did...I'm so sorry..."

His dad finally lets go of him and puts him down on the sofa. "I understand you're confused now...one day you will understand. But for now, try to rest, my son." He ruffles his hair and walks back to the cockpit, leaving Ben feeling even more confused than he was at the start.


	4. The painful truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Little Ben is in for a quite a shock...

Rey creeps into the room with Finn following after her like a shadow.

_It's like he is protecting her. But from what? I'm the only one here...oh come on the lightsaber thing was a one time only and Rey scolded me for it. She doesn't need a protection...at least not from me..._

She takes one look at Ben and exhales relieved when she sees he's in one piece. "I hope your dad wasn't too hard on you." She takes her seat beside him on the sofa.

"He hugged me." Ben says in a disbelieving voice, as he doesn't believe it himself that he had survived after harming the Falcon. Ben had tried to fall asleep as his father had told him to rest, but how could he fall asleep with so many unanswered questions?

"Oh that's good...and surprising..I didn't think he was so soft." Rey turns to Finn, who stands like a watchdog before the chesstable. He looks stunned over the revelation and a little disappointed for some reason.

_Maybe he's one of those people that hates kids with passion? Or at least kids with forcepowers...and lightsabers...well if I ever get a lightsaber again I will give him a good reason to...at least fear me, not hate that's too strong feeling, a darkside one...though I doubt dad would let me get off as lightly next time..._

_I still can't believe he..._

"And cried...what did I do to make my dad cry? He never cries..." Ben whispers outloud and gazes at Rey, like she should hold the answers to everything.

_Maybe she can shed some light on all of this?_

Rey doesn't answer. She bites her lower lip, something that Ben has noticed she does when she is nervous.

Finn however leans over the chesstable threatingly and barks like a big dog at him. "You've made plenty of people cry."

"Finn.." Rey shakes her head in warning. "Dont..."

"Why do you hate me so much?" Ben barks back like a little dog at him.

_Can you just please tell me? And what the...do you mean I've made plenty of people cry? Maybe I should start crying to show him how unthreating I really am..._

"Do you know what you did?" Finn's word are laced with hatred.

Ben shakes his head.

"Right, you don't remember anything! Like the fact that you kidnapped her and tortured!" Finn points at Rey like otherwise Ben would think he was referreing to someone else.

"What!" Ben shouts in bewilderment.

_How could I kidnap anyone? I'm just a kid! I couldn't even lift something so huge...eh beautiful with my force powers. I'm not that strong. And I would never torture anyone._

Ben looks at Rey and tries to gauge her reaction to this ludicrous accusations.

Rey says in a dark voice. "He's not the same person."

_Thank you! Someone else did. Finn must be confusing me with somebody else...much bigger and stronger...and evil. Probably this Kylo Ren guy...and Finn thinks I'm him because for some reason I was wearing his clothes? Could be his clothes I'm not sure yet...but what a mistake to make! Finn must have hit his head or something...poor guy no wonder he's always on the edge..._

"Yeah, besides I would never do something like that." Ben snorts over that riddicules suggestion.

Finn leans further over the table and casts a big shadow over little Ben. "You wanna bet?"

"I didn't...did I?" Ben looks at Rey for help, after Finn has straighten himself up and his scary shadow has dissapeared.

Rey just stares deeply into his eyes, as if she's excepting someone to be hiding inside of him. "I knew there was a homesick child inside of you."

"Huh?"

_Inside? I am a homesick child..._

"Luke will get his saber back...when I find him." Rey says to change the subject.

_What is she hiding...what is everyone hiding from me? Wait find Luke...?_

"Uncle Luke is missing?" Ben asks horrified. "Since when!?"

" _I was told to look for Luke Skywalker." I was too caught up in admiring his lightsaber my brain didn't even register what it truly meant..._

"Does dad know? Does mom know? We should try finding him before meeting her. He could be in great danger!" Ben hops down onto the floor and is about to sprint to the cockpit to tell his dad about the new plan, when Rey grabs him and puts him back on the sofa _._

"Don't worry we have a map, though it's just a piece..."

"Rey! Why are you telling him this?!" Finn shouts in panic, like she had just revealed some important information Ben is never allowed to get.

Rey shuts her eyes and through clenched teeth she whispers. "Finn...just shut up for a minute..."

Finn opens his mouth and closes it like a blowfish. "But I...he?" Finn shakes his head, after having getting a deathglare from Rey and takes a seat in the farthest corner. He crosses his arms and pouts.

Ben feels a tiny bit sorry for him but just a tiny bit. It isn't his fault he hit head and is being paranoid and delusional. Nevertheless Ben is grateful for the opportunity to be able to speak alone with Rey.

_I should be able to get some answers now...thank the force she doesn't hate kids like Finn...or has hit her head and thinks I'm evil incarnate. Then I would be in big trouble, having to sit back here with two people who hate my guts for something I did...or they think I did..._

_No poor Rey is only looking for a new family, as her old one is gone. She's even looking for my uncle, who has vanished for some reason..._

* * *

"Why is he missing...?"

_I hope it had nothing to do with me...no, it can't be. I wouldn't stir up that much trouble to get away from uncle...would I? Sure he can be boring...but mom would kill me if I let anything bad happen to her brother..._

Rey looks uncertain how to proceed but at last she looks him straight in the eyes, as if she's about to reveal some big secret concerning him. "Your father told us that a pupil of his betrayed him and killed all of the other pupils."

_Betrayed...? Killed!_

"That's so mean! Poor uncle Luke. I hope we find him soon."

"Yeah...me too..."

"The map should help, we just need the rest."

Rey goes rigid.

"What Rey? What did I do?"

"Nothing...you just reminded me of someone else for a moment."

_Probably this Kylo Ren guy who kidnapped and tortured her...great now she has started to confuse me with that guy like Finn...but I can't worry about that, Luke is in danger from whoever killed all the other pupils..._

_Wait all the other pupils? How come I'm still alive? Did I get away? Is my memory like this because I'm in a state of shock over what happened? That's why I ended up in some strange place. I was trying to get away and dad found me and rescued me? But what about these clothes? Didn't I find my own when I was running away? And the helmet...a disguise? What about the lightsaber? Did I steal it...from this Kylo Ren guy or whoever attacked the Jedi Academy? How did I manage that, I'm just a kid...I'm not powerful like grandad was who was the chosen one...I'm just...normal..._

_At least...then I'm not in trouble...no there is something else...why else would Rey and Finn have been so afraid of me, Finn practically hates me, dad is so sad and Chewie so angry. There is something I must have done to make everyone mad or sad...or maybe everyone just worried about me or still shocked over what happened._

_Maybe the guy or this Kylo Ren kidnapped me and was trying to turn me to the darkside but only had handmedowns or the worst tailor in the galaxy...or the worst possibility...I really, really hope that one is not true..._

"Do they know...who did it?" Ben gulps and his hands start shaking.

"I...don't know the name of the culprit...but I think I know who did it."

"And who do you think...did it?" Ben asks but is dreading the answer with all his being.

_Please don't! Please don't!_

"You wouldn't know him...don't worry about that..." She give him that sad smile, he often had seen graces her features but despite her sadness, he is beyond relieved.

_Pheeew, so I didn't kill the other pupils in a homicidal rage...I can at least cross that out of my list...I'm not sure how I could live with myself if I did something so horrendous...I would never be able to face my family again..._

_But I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, poor Rey has no one. We don't even know if we'll ever find uncle...I've an idea!_

"You're part of my family now."

"Pardon?"

"Since your own family is gone, I'm adopting you. Mom has always wanted a daughter too and I don't think dad will mind..."

_Yeah, whatever I did, I will get into mom's good graces by giving her the daughter she always wanted and I wouldn't mind having a sibling..._

Ben doesn't get any further as Rey, who is so overcome by emotions pulls him into her embrace.

"Thank you..." She whispers.

Finn, who still sits in the farthest corner, looks flabbergasted over their exchanges.

Ben gets loose from Rey's embrace. "Finn, where is your family? Do you also want me to adopt you?"

"I don't know and no thanks. I don't want to belong to a monster."

_Monster? Me?_

"Finn, that wasn't nice to say." Rey rebukes him.

Finn crosses his arms. "I will say whatever I believe is right."

Ben does his best not to let his hurt show, by flashing him an innocent smile. "Okay, let me know if you change your mind."

Finn just shakes his head.

_Good, I don't want you either...at least not until you stop hating me..._

* * *

Heavy footsteps approach them and his father appears in the doorway. "Ben, you can't go adopting all people."

"Why not? There is plenty of room in our family, right?"

His father doesn't seems to know how to answer that innocent question and turns to Rey instead. "Rey, can you pilot again for a while? I want to speak to my son...in private."

"Of course...he remembers a tiny bit..." Rey says in low voice and stands up. "From the past, I mean."

_The past? When did we speak about my past? Ah, the Jedi Academy..._

"He asked for forgiveness." Rey continues.

_Though I don't even know what for..._

His father nods. "So I heard. That might makes things a little easier..."

_Easier...?_

"Finn, are you coming?" Rey turns to Finn, who hasn't moved an inch since Ben's father appeared. He stares ahead and pouts.

_For someone who hates kids so much, he sure is acting like one now..._

"Finn? Are you still sulking?" Rey bites her lower lip. I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier...but you were being a bit...impossible..."

"I said in private, big shot." His father says in a firm voice.

Finn stand up with a gusto and fixes Ben's father with a hard glare. "Why didn't you tell us earlier he was your son?"

_Earlier?_

"Finn...this is not the time.." Rey begs him and tries to pull him away but Finn bats her hand away. "Rey, I want to know why he lied to us."

"He didn't lie...not exactly..."

_Lie? About me? Since when?_

The sadness creeps back into his father eyes. "It was too much pain..."

_Pain? Why did dad say that...?_

"I never expected this. Forgive me." He bows his head.

_Expected what? I'm a...disappointment to him? Whatever I did at the Jedi Academy much have been huge...I hope I can make amends for whatever that was._

Finn wants to say something else but Rey has had enough and pulls him with her on his shirt collar.

"I wasn't finished!"

"Yes you were. Leave them alone."

"Reyyyy!" Finn yells when she drags him out.

* * *

"Dad, where are we going?"

His father holds his hand, as if he has afraid he wouldn't follow him otherwise and pulls him quickly along the corridor of the Falcon. Ben has trouble keep up with his long strides so he has to run.

"Somewhere, where there is more privacy." His father rounds a corner till the stand they in front of door, Ben recognises as the crew chamber.

"More privacy for what?"

The door opens up with a hiss, they step inside and it closes behind them. There are two cots inside.

"Son, we need to talk." His father points at the cot against the wall. "Sit down."

"What's going on dad? Why are you so serious? Am I...in trouble?" Ben becomes frightened. "I'm sorry for slicing up the ship! I don't why I did that!"

_Chewie has convinced him to at least pull my arms out and dad needed privacy so no one would hear me scream...though Finn would proably just be happy but Rey hopefully sad or angry.._

"Stop worrying about that. You've been forgiven for that mistake and no you're not in trouble..." His father says those words, like he can't believe them himself. "Sit down."

_Phew...but then what am I in trouble for...?_

Then it dawns on him and he shouts:"I'm also sorry for whatever I did at the Jedi Academy!".

His father looks shocked and stares intently at him. "What do you remember?"

"Nothing...to be honest, but something happened right?"

"Yes, but that was a long time ago." His father says it like it's not even relevant anymore, just some old news.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

_Long time ago? Was I in coma or something?_

His father picks him up and puts him down on the cot, while he starts pacing around the floor without taking his eyes of him. "Son, what I'm about to tell you won't be easy. I have decided...or well Chewie, that it wouldn't be wise to keep the truth away from you for too long. If had my way, you would never have to know anything..." He glances at him worriedly before continuing his pacing.

_Chewie seems to be really angry at me and not just for slashing the ship..._

"It's way worse not to know anything. You and mom are always hiding something from me." Ben frowns at him.

His father stops in front of him and frowns at him in return. "We did it to protect you, nothing else. But I'm afraid I can't protect you from this truth..."

_Finally, I will get all the answers!_

His father starts pacing again while occasionally glancing at Ben, who waits as patiently as little child can wait for his father to proceed.

Ben sees how difficult his father has with formulating the right words but that doesn't come as suprise to him, as his father has never been a talkative man. In fact this was oddly similar to that time Ben had asked him where do babies come from. His father had gotten a strange look, kinda like something got caught in his throat but at last he had told him to ask his mother instead and had flown away in the Falcon.

Although his mother is also known for her tight lips, she was more than happy to answer at least that question, said it was important to know these things and had even give him holos to study.

Ben still regretted tremdeously of having ever asked that question and had often whished to able to erase that travesty from his mind but without any luck.

_I hope this truth is nothing compared to that horror, though dad looks as equally nervous...but how come dad changed his mind about having mom explaining..whatever this is...to me?_

* * *

"You know, you don't have to do this. I can just wait for mom to tell me." Ben says after having lost his patience when his father has done nothing except making circles in the floor with his constant pacing.

_We can't be that far away from Corusant...I can wait...a bit longer._

His father stops in front of him and shakes his head. "No. It's very important that you know the...big story...before meeting your mother...in the rebel base." He put a lot of weight behind the word rebel base, like he thinks that word is the key to everything which in turn only makes Ben even more confused.

"Rebel base? She's not in the senate? On Corusant?"

_Rebels? In our time? Like in Vader's, the time of the Empire. Hang on...why was Finn a stormtrooper?_

His father gets a painful expression. "Son...Corusant doesn't exist anymore."

"What...?" Ben falls back in shock and hits his head on the wall but just as soon as the words have left his father's mouth, he knows them to be true.

A memory floats back up to the surface of his mind, maybe thanks to the knock on the head or something else, where he stares out a view shield on a huge laserbeam going in a straight line...

"The Hosnian system.." Ben mutters in shock.

"Yes, it's all...gone." His father says sadly.

Ben suddenly remember how he felt billions of voices crying out in anguish through the force. He remembers the deep pain he felt and the fact that he knew he had crossed the final line and could never go back...to the light.

_No! NO! It's impossible!_

"It's my fault!" Ben jumps down from the cot and points at his father accusingly. "You lied. You said I wasn't in trouble! I blew up a whole star system!" Ben grows cold, he's about to throw up. The room starts spinning around him and he starts to hyperventilate.

_It's worse than I thought! Way, way, way worse! What have I done?!_

"I'm gonna be thrown in jail! Executed!" He grabs his head and kneels on the floor.

_I can never face anyone after this! Never!_

His father picks him up and embraces him. He sits down with them on the cot and rocks him in arms and rubs his back, like he hadn't done since he was toddler.

"Son, calm down, it's not your fault...it was the First Order. Did you...push the button?" His father asks like he is afraid of knowing the answer.

"No..." Ben doesn't look to convinced, that he is out of the hot water.

_I thought at first I must had pushed some important button by accident, though that sound silly despite it seriousness, but something tells me that I did not do that...but why does it still feels like it's my fault?_

"Did you...give the order?"

"No, that was stupid Hux..." Ben knits his brows and looks up at this father. "Why did I know that? Who is this Hux guy anyway?"

His father exhales relived. "See, you did...nothing wrong. No one is going to put you on a trial...not on my watch." His father whispers into his hair.

_Dad clearly doesn't know this Hux guy either..._

"But..why was I with the...you called it the First Order? I thought I was with uncle Luke? Why is he missing?"

_No, please don't tell me...anything but that...I didn't..._

His father sighs. "Many years ago you were training with your uncle..."

"Many years ago?" Then at last the implications of his father's words hit him.

_Long time ago, many years ago..._

"This is the future?!" Ben shouts beyond shocked.

"Yes, how old are you now?"

"Ten...I think...I don't know..." Ben grabs his head in panic.

_I don't understand anything!_

"This is twenty years later or so...except you only changed in size..and mind."

_Ah...that explains the big clothes...and why dad is so old now...and why I don't remember anything...!_

"So what you are telling him, is that twenty years from now..." Ben asks, as calmly as possible, like he's calculating instead of trying to make a sense of messed up world...his world.

"No, it has already happened. It's not going to happen again." His father says with a finality.

"Okay...in my thirties, I will be with this First Order...black helmet, black clothes, red saber..." Ben's eyes grow wide as saucers."I turned to the dark side!"

"Yes...you called yourself Kylo Ren..." His father says with disgust.

_I'm this Kylo Ren guy everyone is afraid of?!_

"But why...? Why did I do something like that? Is uncle Luke okay?!" Ben grips his father shirt in panic. "I didn't kill him, did I?!"

_Rey wouldn't be searching for him if he was dead...unless she is looking for his body! It's my fault he is missing...isn't it?! I'm that pupil that killed everyone! Mom's going to kill me! I'm so dead!_

His father loses his grip. "No...he's fine. Let's not go too deep into this...what matters is that you are with us now and we will help you change back..."

"Back...I don't want to turn back into my dark side self!"

_I kidnapped and tortured Rey...it was the truth...Finn hates me for a...good reason. He wasn't just being paranoid or delusional..._

" _Forgiven! You're lucky that she even talks to you!"_

_"I don't want to belong to a monster."_

_He was so right! I'm...was a monster!_

"It won't necessarily turn out that way. No, your mother and I won't let it happen again...but you don't want to be kid forever, right?"

"I want grow up of course...but not like this." Ben is agitated. "Mom is furious, isn't she? You will ground me for life for turning to the dark side..." Ben looks lost, hopeless. "I'm going to jail for the all the bad things I did...and I don't even remember doing them!"

"Son, you are not going to jail." His father says in a firm voice. "Your mother won't let that happen. You're just a kid, they can't put you on trial..." His father voice trails off. "We won't let that happen, don't worry. We will protect you. Stop worrying so much, leave that to the grownups..."

"I'm so so so sorry! I don't know why I did these things. I don't remember anything...just sometimes gets a glimpse...feelings...I don't want this! Please make this stop!" Ben yells in desperation as his mind flashes to memory before his transformation.

" _I want to be rid of this pain."_

_This is even more pain!_

"Kid...you're exhausted. Get some sleep." His father helps him lie down on the cot. He pulls a blanket over him and pats him on the head. "Goodnight, try to rest and stop worrying."

But when he's about to leave Ben grabs his hand. "No, don't leave me!"

"Son, I.." His father looks torn between leaving to pilot his ship and staying with his emotional distressed son.

"Please..." Ben begs.

His father nods and stays with him.

* * *

_Where is this place?_

_Ben walks in what looks like a throne room of some sort. A huge hologram of an withered old man or an alien towers over a man dressed in black attire with a helmet, the one he saw lying on the catwalk._

_No...this is a memory. Get me out of here..._

_Ben looks desperately for an escape route. There is none._

" _...in the hands of your father. Han Solo." The creepy hologram says in challenging voice, a voice that sends shivers up Ben's spine._

_The voice of the darkness, of his old nightmares..._

_No! It's that voice! That voice who tormented me! I don't ever want to hear it again!_

_Ben covers his ears but still hears what his masked self answers._

" _He means nothing to me." His masked self answers in a cold voice through a vocoder._

_This is me...was me?_

_The creepy hologram leans back with an evil grin. "We shall see. We shall see."_

_Then suddenly the hologram turn his attention towards him._

" _You..." His dark eyes seems to bore into his soul, making him go cold. There is nothing in there except pure hatred._

" _No, leave me alone." Ben backs away in fright._

" _You, have failed me. I will hunt you down and torture you to insanity."_

" _Why can't you just let me go...!" Ben pleads._

" _I will kill your whole family."_

" _NOOO!"_

_All of a sudden the scene changes._

" _Forgive me."_

_His masked self sits on a cod and seems to be talking to someone, though he appears to be alone in the room._

_Is he...eh I talking to himself...myself?_

" _I feel the pull to the light. Show me again...the way to the darkness. And I will finish what you started...grandfather."_

_Grandfather? What's he...eh I talking about. I have no darkside grandpa..._

_Ben turns and sees that his masked self is talking to what appears to be a churned helmet. Ben walks towards it. He jolts up when he recognizes that helmet._

_Darth Vader?!_

* * *

_AN: Leia is in the next chapter. ;)_


	5. Making things right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mommy time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write according to the timeline in the novel Bloodline (cannon), according to it Ben didn't know about Vader being his grandfather until he was in his twenties (24-25) and most likely didn't turn to the darkside till then (it happens six years before TFA) and I read some where that he went to train with Luke when he was ten (not confirmed). I sticking with that headcannon as that would fit with how Anakin went into training when he was nine and was thought to be too old. I think similar happened with Ben (10 years old) and then he even turned to the darkside in his twenties just like Anakin...so he certaintly did follow in his granddad's footsteps...by making the same mistake of turning to the darkside (that's always a mistake, right?). Now we know in TLJ why poor Ben turned. It won't be touched up on in this fic, but in the sequel.

 

 

"We are here."

Ben wakes up with a jolt when his father nudges him gently in the side.

_Where am I?_

He shivers and breathes shallowly.

_Who am I? I'm so cold...so cold..._

His head hurts and feels like it's breaking in two. He remember having hit his head before.

_Stupid dad made me go sleep right after...what if I had gotten a concussion? Mom would've never have done that...I miss her so much..._

"Are you alright, son?"

Ben shakes his head.

_I'm far from alright! My world has just been turned upside down, I feel awful and I had the worst..._

"Nightmare?"

Ben nods, on the verge of crying.

"Oh, come here son." His father embraces him. "The nightmare can't hurt you any more."

"I just...want them...to stop..." Ben sobs.

"Me too son, me too."

_If only this was just a nightmare, not a reality I have to face. Not memories I have to figure out instead of just images that don't mean anything..._

_Why was I talking to the Darth Vader helmet...I thought uncle Luke had burned it and is he really my grandpa? Who is this big creepy guy anyway and why was I hanging out with him? Why did I turn to the darkside? Whyyyy? I don't understand anything!_

Ben just wants to lie down in a fetal position, cry and scream till his voice goes hoarse.

_Anything to make this pain go away. I want mom...I need her...but I don't deserve her...not after everything I've done...though I don't remember anything...I don't understand anything..._

Even though Ben is still very disoriented after waking up, he can feel through the force that they are they only two left aboard the Falcon.

"Where's everyone?"

_How can I face anyone after this? How can I even look Rey in the eyes?_

"They went before us into the rebel base..."

_Even Chewie hates me..._

"But as you're a special case...I think it would be for the best if you wait here while I go get your mother. She will be so thrilled to see you!" His father ruffles his hair. He looks as excited like someone who has been planning the best name day surprise, instead of bringing the prodigal son home.

_Will she? After everything I've done? After everything I became? How can she forgive me? Even uncle Luke is missing because of me..._

Ben's head snaps up.

"What's wrong son?"

_This force signature, I know it!_

As his father isn't forcesentive, the only indication of someone approaching rapidly, are the running footsteps that echo loudly through the Falcon.

"Where's my son?"

Ben jumps up when he hear his mother voice. A short while later, the door opens with a loud hiss and a elderly woman comes into the room who stops short at what she sees. Her eyes go wide in a surprise.

Up til this point Ben had been scared of meeting his mother after knowing what he did and who he was, but now when she is finally here, all of his worries disappears as he has now has only one goal.

"MOM!" Ben jumps to her and hugs her. "I'm so scared!"

"Ben...?" His mother gapes and looks him over. She turns to her husband in shock.

"I don't how this happened...it just did." His father says as carelessly as this is machinery that has started working in a different way instead of a life changing event.

"This is real...this is not a dream?" His mother picks Ben up from the floor and puts him on the cot he had just vacated to get a better look of him.

"I saw him change before my own eyes."

His mother stares at him incredulously as she takes his face in her hand and inspects every line there. She then runs her hand through his soft dark hair and stops when she feels something that is not supposed to be there.

"You have a small bump." She remarks sternly and for moment Ben feels like he's back at their home having this conversation, a conversation he has had before after falling down after climbing, instead of a far away from home and a long way into the future.

"I hit my head." He answers innocently.

"Are you okay?" She asks softly and rubs the wounded area gently.

"I am now."

His mother nods. Despite the causality of their conversation, Ben feels the turmoil inside of her, how she is trying to be strong when she is on the verge of breaking down in tears.

Ben can hardly imagine how she must feel, as for him it had only been few days since he last saw her but for her, it must have been years for her and then to see him like this, after everything that had seemed to have transpired the last twenty years.

_Poor mom...I've have to make it up for her somehow. I must find uncle Luke...though I'm not sure I want to meet him...after everything I've done..._

His mother turns from the state of his head to look over his clothes, his too big black clothes that still don't fit him perfectly despite Rey's attempt at tailoring them, the only evidence except from his saber that he ever was that Kylo Ren.

"I felt through the force that something had happened to him but this...oh, Ben..." She hugs him fiercely. "I'm so glad you're home..."

Ben feels a huge weight lift from his shoulders.

_She won't reject me...after everything I did...there is still some hope...for me..._

Ben hugs her back and lets himself be embraced in her warm, in her flowery scent while he listens to her heart beat, the one which could always calm him down no matter what.

"Me too...I'm so sorry for everything...please don't be mad...we will find uncle Luke, I promise."

His mother looks questioningly at his father, who has so far only observed their reunion with a sad smile.

"I told him everything."

"Everything...?"

"He remember some." His father admits.

 _Dad didn't really tell me anything though...I figured most of it out from all the clues but there is still so much that I don't know. I hope mom can answer some of them.._.

"Mom, I had a horrible dream, about a big ugly man...Snoke, I think his name is...and then Darth Vader."

His mother's turns sharply to him in her arms.

"Darth Vader?" She asks in a hollow voice and puts him on the cot.

"Yeah, I said he was my grandfather...is that true? Is that why I turned to the dark side to be like him...?"

His mother goes rigid, she plumbs beside Ben and just stares into space.

* * *

"Mom?" Ben asks and waves a hand in front of her face.

_Oh, no...what did I do now? Like I haven't done enough wrong!_

"Leia..." His father takes a step toward her. "Are you okay?"

His mother turns to Ben at her right side while her eyes are welling up with the many unshed tears she had to hold onto through the years. "I...am so sorry I kept the truth from you..." Her shoulders shake, she covers her face in her hands and sobs.

But in spite of the pain his mother is feeling, merely one thing is on his mind. Finally he understand why he had always felt there was some connection.

"So he was my granddad...wow..." Ben breathes out with admiration.

"There is nothing wow...about that, son!" His father scolds him. "Can't you see that your mother is in great pain?" He point at his poor mother that is still in great anguish.

"Of course I can see that, I'm not blind!" Ben shouts annoyed.

_I can even feel her pain through the force._

"Watch that tone, young man." His father says warningly.

"Sorry...and I'm so sorry for upsetting you mom." Ben pats her back. "I know what he did to you both..."

His mother looks up with her eyes still full of tears."It's not that...I feel like it's my fault...that if you had know the truth earlier you wouldn't have turned...and everything would've been different." She sobs again.

"Your fault?!" Ben ask in a disbelief.

_Like kriffing...that's mom's fault. She can't be blamed for anything!_

"No, it's my fault and mine alone."

His parents look stunned over his words.

"And it's my responsibility to fix it."

His parents glance at each other and then at him.

"That's a very mature way to look at things...but you're just a kid...now." His father says.

"But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be responsible. That why I need to know more. I didn't just turn because I found out that Darth Vader was my grandpa, did I? Sure he was famous and all...but also very mean, especially to you both...so why should I want to be like him? Hang on, doesn't that mean he was uncle Luke's father too?" Ben looks at his mom, that has recovered some and wipes the last of the tears from her eyes.

"Yes...Vader told Luke during their fight in Bespin..." She says in a strained voice.

_Aha! I knew there had been some fateful word exchanged there...you don't fight without talking...but what a time and place to know about your parentage..._

"Luke didn't even know I was his sister, I didn't know, Vader didn't know...everything came to light in the battle of Endor...everything changed then..." His mother explains in a sad voice.

"Wow...I didn't know..." Ben breathes out.

_There is so much I never knew...I feel like I'm seeing my family in a whole new light..._

"Son, can't you drop it? Your mom still hasn't recovered since the truth became public six years ago. She was thrown out of the senate!" His father shouts at him.

_Six years ago but then I was only four...oh he means in this timeline..._

"I didn't know about any of that!" Ben shouts back at him.

"Han, it's okay. He has the right to know. It was wrong to keep it a secret from him. I'm not making that mistake again." His mother says in a firm voice.

Ben turns to her. "Are you sure, mom?"

She nods. "Ask away."

Ben admires her bravery and is thankful since he really needs this information to puzzle the whole story behind his own transformation...to the darkside not to a child. He still has no idea why that happened and to be fair, he feels that being an adult is the abnormality as he doesn't remember being anything except a child...and now suddenly he has some weird dark feelings and only glimpses of memories.

_Where to start my questions? I better start with who Darth Vader really was..._

"But wait...does that I mean I have four granddads? Bail Organa, Benjamin Solo, Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader? No of course not...Bail...I mean Anakin turned into Darth Vader, just like how I changed into this Kylo Ren guy?"

"That's right...son." His father answers darkly, not at all happy with the discussion even though it's unavoidable.

_Wow...if even the chosen one can turn...no wonder that I did...but why did he?_

"Why did he turn?"

"We don't know the full story, but apparently he did it to save your grandmother from dying in childbirth." His mother answers calmly, despite her distress earlier.

_Save? And that let to the darkside? How?_

"How was he going to save her?"

"By getting more power, I guess. Anyway, it didn't work, instead he killed her. So the dark side is never good for anything, okay?" His mother fixes him with a strict look.

Ben nods. "Okay."

_I never planned on turning to the darkside anyway, that why I need more information so I know how to avoid it._

"And another thing worth mentioning, he turned to the lightside in the end...just like you...except you thankfully didn't die and was returned to us. Remember that." His mother continues with her lecture.

"Okay, I will...but what did he start, that I wanted to finish?"

_He killed the emperor and saved uncle Luke...his son...where do I even fit into this? What was his great plan? He was the chosen wasn't he? It was his job to bring balance to the force...didn't he do that by killing the emperor? Or is there something else we don't know about?_

His parents exchange tired look.

_They both looks so exhausted and so old...all because of me...except the time passing is not my fault...or at least I hope it's not..._

"Son, stop thinking about that. It's not your concern anymore." His father says firmly.

"But...it could give me a hint as to why I turned dark. Do you know why I turned?"

_I can't turn back time, but I should be able to make things right for now on..._

Even though his parent look uncomfortable with the discussion topic, Ben presses on. "And why was I talking about a pull to the light, show me the way to darkness...and I will finish what you started? What does these things mean?"

His parents stare at him.

"Pull to the light?" His mother ask in disbelief.

"Yeah, so he said...I mean I in that memory..."

"So you weren't submerged in darkness?" His father asks in a stunned voice.

Ben shakes his head. "I don't think so..."

His mother smiles knowingly at his father. "See, I told you there was still good in him."

"You were right..." His father breathes out relived. "I thought we had lost him forever..."

_Lost me forever? So I never might have been able to meet my parents again if not for this change...?_

_Well, at least some good comes out of it...even though I'm confused as poor 3PO often is...I wonder what happened to him and R2 in this timeline? I hope they are alright...who have survived to this time?_

"I never expected this though...there's a lot to discuss..." His mother says thoughtfully.

_I wonder how much damage I've really caused...can I even ever make amends for it? If I really followed in Darth Vader's footsteps...I must have caused some serious harm..._

His mother stands up. "Ben, your father and I need to talk. Try to get some rest." She kisses him on the top of his head.

"We won't go far. We will be here if you need us." His father smiles reassuringly, probably remembering how desperate Ben was for him not to leave earlier.

But Ben doesn't need to be force sensitive to know that what his parents are truly feeling.

_They are putting up a brave front for my sake...in a way they are even more scared of the future than I am...because of all the trouble I have caused the galaxy..._

_They had to life through it, while I don't remember anything except bits and pieces, mostly feelings. They had to stand by and watch me do these things, powerless to do nothing. It must've been awful..._

He watches as his parents backs go farther away but before the go through the door, he calls: "I'm sorry for the all trouble I've caused!"

_Please I need more information. I need to fix this!_

His mother turns in the doorway. "You're no trouble. I have an idea how we can save you." She fakes a smile, the politician smile she was used to wear in the senate when she pretended everything was under control to avoid panic from the people. The smile she put on for him when in reality she was hurting underneath.

_Save me...? Right, all people hate me now...don't they? Like Finn. Rey hates me too...she just does a better job at hiding it...but then why has she been so nice to me? She treats me like a little brother..._

"Don't worry, kid, everything is going to be alright." His father calls.

_Everyone else probably wants to kill me and I've made it so easy for them by becoming such a small target!_

_But Rey...she is different...I know what she needs..._

The door closes behind his parents with the familiar hiss.

_It's time to make things right._

* * *

He follow his parents into the corridor, who stop and turn around when they hears his fast footsteps.

"Ben, what are you doing here?" His mother asks in surprise.

"We told you to rest." His father takes his shoulders and steers him back to the crew chamber but Ben yells over his shoulder:"What about Rey?"

"What about her?" His mother face is one look of surprise as they hadn't brought her up at all in their prior discussion. "Did I miss something?"

For a while his father seems to be as clueless as his mother and stops pushing Ben back to his room. Then the revelation seems to hit him as he shuts his eyes and pinches his nose. "He adopted her."

At first his mother blinks in bafflement but then she shakes her head tiredly like that time when he had brought a kitten in need of a home. "Oh Ben..."

"What? I know she isn't a homeless kitten! But in a way she kinda is...as she has no one since her family is gone and I kinda owe to her after all I...my dark self did and she been so nice to me! She changed my clothes when I couldn't move and..."

His mother holds up a hand to stop his inane ramblings. "I have met Rey, she seems like a nice girl."

His father just nods in an agreement.

"She is! Very nice...to me. Despite the fact that I seem to have kidnapped and...tortured her...eh my darkself..." Ben puts fingers together and looks down shamefully.

_I hope wasn't too mean to her...I really really hope so..._

His mother lets out a exasperated sigh. "What does she want?"

Ben head snaps up. "She wants a new family...desperately."

His parents looks a each other before his mother turns to him. "We will think about it. Now get some sleep."

Ben stops her going by pulling on her sleeve. "No, don't think about it! She needs it now...you will anyway have to disown me after all this...and then there is a place for her!"

His parents stare at him in shock, completely speechless.

_Yeah, I knew all along that's the best way. I just tried not to think about it. That way Rey can get a safe place and...my parents...don't need to worry about what to do to with me any more. I will just find a new place and start all over...even though it hurts to leave...but what if I turn again? It would put my family in great danger...so I better go..._

"Whaaat? Dis...disown you?" His mother puts a hand over her heart and backs away to the wall in fright, when she finally comes to her senses after his revelation.

"Ben, what the...are you talking about?" His father snatches him up like he's reminding him of his current size and looks him straight in the eyes. "Where the kriffing would you go? You're just a ten year old boy now. Do you want us to leave you on Jakku or something...like Rey's family did...for some reason?" He scoffs and shakes his head over the absurdity. "Poor girl..." He puts him down on the floor again and pats him on the head, reminding him once again that he's just a child except now with a heavy burden.

_Her family left her...this is way worse than I thought...she's been through so much...and also because of me..._

"Ben, please don't talk like that. You're breaking my heart again..." His mother says pleadingly.

Although Ben hates seeing and feeling his mother in so much pain, this is something they can't avoid talking about.

"Be honest with yourself, if I were to turn back into this Kylo Ren right here and now? What would you do?"

His parents jump back in shock, like it has just happened instead of only being a strong possibility.

"That's not going to happen!" His father shouts at him menacingly, with the underlying threat of, or else... He shakes his fist at him like that would make this Kylo Ren shakes in his boots and never resurface again.

"Never again..." His mother stares at Ben in great sorrow, as if she is seeing another person in front of her. "Please Ben..."

Ben feels guilty for causing her such much pain by reminding her of that possibility but it is dangerous to ignore that possibility completely. They had to be prepared for the worst.

"But if it did?" He crosses his arms.

"Then we would all be in a terrible danger." His father growls at him but Ben doesn't not back down. "And you would disown me."

"No, never..." His mother says with finality.

His father stares at him grimly and nods in an agreement.

The family stands in a heavy silence. They hear burst of fireworks outside and some cheering.

_What? The rebels are celebrating? Is the war over? That would make everything easier...wouldn't it? Though it still doesn't cross out what I did..._

His mother sighs in defeat and at last answers him. "If it worries you so much I guess we can adopt Rey, if that is what she wants..." her voice trails of.

Ben's lips turn upward. "Thank you!"

_At least one problem has been solved! Rey will be so happy...but it would still be better if I just left...it would solve all our problems...wouldn't it?_

"And forget all about us leaving you. We are in this together, though better and worse. Understood?" His mother shakes her finger at him in an admonishing way.

"You are stuck with us, whether you like it or not." His father grins and pats his head.

_How can they still want me after this? Well, the minute I become dangerous again, I'm leaving...that is if that happens. I will do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't..._

"Now get some rest, your father and I need to talk." His mother points at the door to the crew chamber.

"But I just hit my head, I could get a concussion if I try to sleep right after...maybe that's why I had that nightmare..."

Truth be told Ben felt better now but he didn't want to be left out of this conversation about his fate.

"You let him go to sleep right after he had just hit his head?" His mother look at his father accusingly.

"What? He was in so much distress and pain after finding out the truth...I didn't know what else to do..." His father hangs his head in shame.

"How do you feel now?" His mother feels his head for temperature. "You're not warm." She remarks.

"I don't want to be alone..." Ben admits in a low voice.

_There is still so much I don't understand...I need your help to figure this out..._

His parents looks at each other and come to some kind of understanding before his mother turns to him and says: "You can stay awake for now but still try to rest, if possible."

Ben smiles relieved and nods like he has taken a solemn oath.

* * *

_Next up: Memories..._


	6. Dreams of the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More family fluff but also angst..coming up...

The reunited family sit together at the holochess table, with Ben in between them directly under the damage he had done to the Falcon. At first Ben had been apprehensive about this being their meeting place as he didn't want his mother to ever find out what he had done to his father's ship but he hadn't need to worry as his father had covered for him.

_His mother stood still when observing the damage._

_"The thieves who stole the Falcon did this." His father blinked him without his mother seeing._

_Dad lied for me...? Wait...stole the Falcon? Who dared?!_

_"Such vandalism..." His mother shook her head but thankfully didn't ask any more questions._

Instead his mother has rested her chin on the clasped hands, while staring at the chess table deep in thought, like she is planning the next move or strategy in her head.

"What will we do? How do we tell people about this? Do you think anyone will even believe us?" His father asks when his mother has for a long time done nothing except staring at the table.

"You just have to show them my clothes and saber...the only thing missing is the helmet...I think." Ben adds, hoping that it's helpful.

His mother shift her eyes of the chess table to his father and him. "Do we need to tell them?"

Father and son stare at her in puzzlement as that option hadn't even crossed their minds.

"Are you really going to lie to them? After all the trouble we got into last time?" His father asks in shock.

"Last time?" Ben asks and look at his mother who replies:"He means when the galaxy found out the truth about my parentage. My dark side parentage and Luke's. There were plans to hunt Luke and...kill him, to make sure he wouldn't turn dark."

"Wha...and where was I during that time?"

_Please tell me I wasn't one of them who tried to hunt him down...again..._

"You were travelling with him while looking for some ancient Jedi relics. I had no idea where you were and it was killing me inside. You still hadn't turned to the darkside. It was before the First Order." His mother answers him in hurried manner, like she doesn't really want to talk about any of this as Ben knows is the case. He hates the thought of making her suffer through this recounting but sadly they can't avoid this topic, as much as he would like to. There is still too much he doesn't know...

_Wait...what? Are there only six years since I turned to the dark side? What happened at that time?_

"When did I know the truth?" Ben asks.

"At the same time as the galaxy, six years ago...I'm so sorry, I send you a letter when the truth came out, asking for your forgiveness...I'm not even sure you ever got that letter."

_Hmm...so there is link between me finding out the truth and turning to the darkside...but there must be more, where does that Snoke guy fit in?_

"I'm so glad I got to tell you the truth in person this time." His mother squeezes his hand.

Ben can tell how much she carries the blame of him turning to the darkside and even though he doesn't know if any of that is true, he knows what he must do now or rather not do...

He looks up at her face and straight into her eyes. "I'm never turning to the darkside again."

"I know. We are here to help you." She pats his hand. "We won't fail you again." She looks over at this father on his other side, who nods solemnly.

_Whatever happened my parents seem to carry the blame as well. Well, then it's their second chance as well as mine to make things right..._

"But what if the rebels stop trusting you if they ever find out the truth?" His father asks worried.

"Who knows about this?" His mother asks.

Just us, Chewie, Rey and Finn." His father replies.

She nods in understanding. "Let's keep it that way."

_Chewie is very angry with me...I understand now why...I hope I can one day get his forgiveness...I hope I have better luck with him than Finn..._

Ben's head snap up. _FINN! What if?_

"What if Finn already told everyone at the base? He hates my guts!" Ben yells in panic, but his parents don't feel the same danger, as his father only grins like he has some plan Ben doesn't know about while his mother narrows her eyes at him.

"Was he mean to you?" She sits on the egde of the sofa and looks ready to head back to the base and give Finn a piece of her mind.

As much as Ben would like to see his mother bite the head of Finn, he knows that will not help him fix things so he quickly adds: "Well...I can understand now why he was...but Rey always defended me...for some reason."

_Even though I kidnapped...and...tortured her..._

His father ruffles his hair. "I wouldn't worry about Finn. Rey will make sure he keeps his mouth shut. She's awfully protective of you, she told me you were having nightmares and needed me by your side. I guess she felt it through the force..."

_She is way too nice..._

"See, I told you she was good person." Ben smiles a victorious smile at his mother.

"So I see." She returns the smile. "We have to welcome her to our family."

Ben smiles when he hears that his mother has at long last accepted her into their family. For real, not just because he threatened to leave if they didn't...

"But how long can we keep this secret?" His father asks concerned, bolting them back into the harsh reality.

"I will do whatever it takes to keep my son save. He's just a child now...I can't have him taken away...not when I finally have got him back." His mother grabs him with a fierce protectiveness and holds him close.

_She's willing to sacrifice everything for me...everything she has fought for...despite everything I became..._

"I feel the same way." His father switches his attention from his wife to his son. "You need to sleep." He remarks and his wife nods in understandings, as there is another meaning hiding under that one line, you are too young and therefor not allowed to hear this conversation.

"Lie down here for a moment." She indicates her lap.

Ben knows instantly what their plan is but doesn't object, as his parents often used that technique when he was younger and desperately wanted to be with them both, as they were so often away put they needed to talk about grown up stuff he wasn't allowed to hear.

Although he knows what their game is, he puts his head down on her lap, thankful for the comfort as he is suddenly beyond exhausted. His mother strokes his hair and ends with her palm over his ears, covering it and therefor trying to shield him from their discussion, although that is all in vain as he still hears everything. Usually he would be furious with being left out of the conversation but now he is mostly grateful for to not having to go through this alone. He knows it was mental of him trying to go through this all by himself, as he had planned on before or not planned, as he really had no other plan than try to hitch a ride from the rebel base and hopefully not end up with the First Order again. Besides he could hear every word and they might even talk about things that they otherwise wouldn't talk about if they knew he was listening.

Under normal circumstances he would be able to fall asleep, as he feel as safe as he possible can be. He really wishes he could just take a nap, while his parent drone on about their important plans for the future. If only he were a normal child, instead of someone who turned evil and apparently into a little child again, then everything would be different...everything would be easier.

_Can things ever be normal again?_

* * *

"We could say that Kylo Ren died on the Star Killer base. That might work, the planet is no more and no evidence to suggest otherwise...and that we adopted this kid?" His father starts.

_Died, is my dark self really dead? I hope so..a planet who doesn't exist anymore...the place dad found me and blew up...this Star Killer base must be behind the attack on the Hosenian system. So it's gone...that a relief..._

"Yes, exactly what I was thinking and we could say that he was a prisoner...he could've been kidnapped to become a stormtrooper. That might work." His mother answers eagerly.

_Like Finn...that's why he doesn't know where his family is...but being stormtrooper sucks, they only have blasters and how are they going to explain my force powers? Or am I supposed to hide them? I don't know if I can do that..._

"Or that he was Kylo Ren's apprentice, that we saved...before he became dark?" His father asks hesitantly.

_Apprentice, yeah...that might work._

However Ben can feel his mother's negative answer through the tremors in his her body. "Too risky, we can't have any connection to Kylo Ren."

"But that could explain his dreams, his emotional drama..."

_This is going no where..._

"I'm Ben Solo, I was not adopted. I am your son and I need new clothes." Ben interjects into his parent's plans with a sleepy voice.

"He heard everything." Ben can tell how his father smirks and that he's not even mad about him eavesdropping.

"Well, you're right about your clothes..." His mother raises Ben up and lets him lie him back on the sofa.

"Don't leave." Ben protests.

_This was so nice...so warm...so cuddly...so safe...why can't we just stay like this forever...? Why must everything always be kriffing complicated?! And now...all because of me...and things I don't even remember doing..._

"I will be right back." His mother takes of her jacket and drapes it over him. "I still have your old clothes...the one you worn before you got the Jedi robe." She starts to walk away.

"You own his old clothes...did you expect this to happen?" His father calls after her in bewilderment.

His mother stops. "No...not even in my wildest dreams. I just kept them for memories sake. But in a way I'm glad this...change...happened. It makes...some things easier." She smiles sadly despite her current happiness.

_She's sad because of things I did...I don't ever...want to make her sad again...!_

"Wait!"

_No matter how much we fought, no matter how often a bitterness lingered between us and no matter the anger I often felt of being left out, of being left behind...this...darkness was never meant to happen..._

"What, Ben?" His mother stops with puzzled expression. "Did you forget something?" She looks at his father who is as confused as she is.

Ben pulls the jacket of him, hurries over to her and embraces her tightly. "I love you mom."

His mother is speechless for a while but Ben can feel her happiness through the force. It's intoxicating.

"I...love you too." She says in choked voice as she tries hard not to cry.

"And you dad." Ben says like it's an afterthought, though it wasn't meant to come out like that.

His father looks even more shocked than his mother, as neither of them likely never expected to hear these words from him ever again.

"Ben...you're making me cry again..." His father rebukes him gently.

"You made your father cry?" His mother ask incredulously.

Ben's eyes drift upward. "I...may have sliced up the Falcon..."

His mother gasp when he says that and her eyes zoom right into the damage.

_Oh no! I didn't mean to tell her! But if I didn't she might have imagined something far worse..._

Ben feels like the time stand still until his mother turns his furious gaze back at him.

_I'm so dead!_

* * *

"What! This here is your doing? How...?" She picks him up and puts him to sit on the table and point at the vandalism, like otherwise he wouldn't know what damage she was talking about.

_Argh! Why couldn't just keep my mouth shut?! This was such a nice moment...and of course I had to ruin it...like always..._

"With a lightsaber...not mine, uncle Luke's, the one he lost in Bespin..." Ben mutters shamefully.

_Like that will make all the difference...but maybe it will distract her for a moment...and postpone my execution..._

It works as his mother looks at him stunned. "What...where did you get that? I thought it was lost in space forever."

"Rey had it, well Finn at first..." Ben looks at his father for help in finding the owner story and his father adds like it could explain everything. "Maz found it."

His mother seems at first to be trying make any sense of that information but then her eyes fall back on the damage and she shakes her head. "I don't care about the lightsaber! Except the fact that you used it to ruin your father's ship!"

"I didn't ruin it! See, it's only a tiny scratch!" Ben stands up on the round table and points at the damage. He touches the scratch that is like a ugly scar.

_Okay...maybe it's not that tiny..._

"A tiny scratch?!" His father repeats after him outraged. "Get down from there before you hurt yourself." He grabs Ben down from the table, puts him beside him in the sofa and glares at him.

_Not the safest place to be at the moment..._

"Ben, it doesn't matter. How could you do such a thing?" His mother narrows his eyes at him and puts her hand on her hips.

Ben finds it tiny bit of ironic how hung up his parents are on that particular damage, instead of yelling at him for all the injury he had caused the galaxy through the years, but then they would have to yell at him for days and maybe it isn't really fair to yell at his current self, who remembers nothing about the harm he had caused. But this scratch is something he had done, even though it was a bit of his old self involved. And to be fair his father had been way too lenient with him as he was still in shock of getting him back and hadn't really punished him for it.

Ben sinks into his seat under his parents strict gazes. "It wasn't my fault! Honestly, I couldn't control my movements...the minute I set my eyes on a lightsaber." He mutters the last part.

_A small lie...they don't need to know about me being in full control until the moment I sliced up the Falcon..._

"Well, then you never getting a lightsaber again." His mother crosses her arms as she always does when she about to have the last word, no matter what he says.

_I didn't think of that!_

"No, sorry I misspoke I was in control until the minute I sliced the ship. That was an accident! The other was just a play, this Finn guy was so annoying, I thought I had to give him a real reason to be afraid of me but I didn't know that he was telling the truth or part of it. He really didn't want to tell him anything, but I didn't know the truth then! So I was very confused! But now I know who I was, so I will be more careful so I can use lightsabers without putting anyone in danger, ship or man!" Ben throws his hand desperately up in the air, panting.

"Breathe, son." His father puts a hand on his shoulder.

Ben takes a deep breath like he had been underwater.

"Well anyway you're not getting your lightsaber back." Her mother says and his father nod in agreement.

"What! No fair!" Ben shouts.

_They don't even know about me swinging it at Finn...I wonder if they would be even madder then?_

"Fair?" His father pulls his ear, so he ows and says straight into it. "Do you think we are being unfair? Maybe I should remind you of what unfairness is. Chewie had some rather interesting ideas about what to do with you for damaging the Falcon, not to mention for having been such a pain in the...galaxy. Maybe I should let him deal with you?" He lets go of his ear and folds his arms sternly.

"No need sir..." Ben rubs his sore ear lobe, the other ear now hurting as well after Rey had pulled the other one before.

_I like my arms intact...I've will just have to find another way to reclaim it..._

His father dips his head. "Good, then we are on the same page."

"So you cried because he sliced the Falcon?" His mother asks a bit teasingly.

"No! That was not the reason." His father snorts.

"He also hugged me."

His mother turns to his father in surprise, who reacts by shaking his head and reaches for him.

"Come here." He moves Ben onto his lap and smirks at him. "You say it like it was bad thing."

Ben shakes his head. "It was not...just confusing..."

His father sighs. "I did not do that because you sliced up the ship, that was a bad thing to do and I scolded you for it and it's all in the past."

"Sorry..." Ben hangs his head but his father lift his chin up. "There is nothing to be sorry about...not now at least. Why can't you just let it go?"

"It wasn't me...who did this...it scares me..." Ben mumbles and looks down again.

"I disagree. It still think it was your doing. Do you really think Kylo Ren would act through something so adorable?" His father flicks Ben's nose teasingly but sighs when he sees that it didn't have the desired effect of cheering him up. "How can I convince you that you're forgiven for that little mistake...?"

His eyes drift to the damage and he grins. "I think I know just the trick." His father picks him up and carries him over to his mother, who looks surprised over that gesture.

"Stay here and don't move." He commands him after putting him in front of his mother.

"Han, what are you planning on doing?"

His father doesn't answer, he just turns and takes up Kylo Ren's lightsaber from his pocket.

_My lightsaber...oh no he's going to break it? Isn't he? To make sure I can never ever use it...?!_

Ben shuts his eyes as he plans not on seeing that horror but to his utmost surprise, he hears that his father ignites the saber.

He opens his eyes just in time to see his father use it to slice into the Falcon.

"HAN!" His mother shouts and covers Ben's eyes like he couldn't handle seeing this despite having memories of real terror.

"Now, we are both guilty of the same mistake." Ben hears how his father smirks and turns of the lightsaber.

"You...Chewie's going to..." Ben mutters in bewilderment.

_He..damaged his ship...for me? He sacrificed it..._

"This is now a family artwork. Leia, why don't you add your touch as well?"

His mother uncovers Ben's eyes and accepts the saber.

"You're so crazy...but I guess that is what I always loved about you." She smirks, ignites the saber and inspects its unique design before turning to her son. "How can you even swing this thing?"

"I don't remember..." Ben stands still, complete at loss over what is happening while his father takes his mother's place in standing behind him and perhaps be ready to grab him if he would faint or something, which is not that far from how Ben feels right now.

_Have my parents totally lost it...?_

His mother shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath like she calling out to the force, right before she uses all her of her strength for an all mighty slice.

Ben jumps in fright, then only thing holding him down are his father's hands who steady him. He suddenly remembers how uncle Luke had told him that his mother had refused training, as she was scared of turning to the darkside. Of course at that time it made no sense to Ben, who had no clue about his dark family history but now when he sees his mother in full lightsaber action, he understands her reason very well.

"Wow..." His father whistles in admiration."Good job."

"I imagined this was Snoke and this was revenge for what he did to our family." His mother turns off the lightsaber with a fearsome scowl.

"I bet Snoke hopes he will never cross your path." Though Ben doesn't see it, he knows that his father is grinning deviously while his mother only nods grimly.

Ben gapes over what his parents did and how casually they talk about that creepy man from his dream and memories.

_"I will hunt you down and torture you into insanity...I will kill your whole family!"_

_I bet Snoke doesn't realise how badass my parents are...especially mom! He better watch out!_

Ben smiles smugly but is pulled from his thoughts abruptly when he suddenly can't feel the floor underneath his feet, as his father picks him up and puts him over his shoulder, like doesn't weigh more than sack of potatoes.

"Now, there is nothing for you to worry about." His father carries him back to the sofa, lies him down and pulls his mother jacket back over him like a blanket. "Sleep." He sits beside Ben to watch over him.

Ben finally realises that his dad is using every opportunity he can to carry him like he's a toddler, like he can't walk on his own. It was understandable when his clothes were obscuring most of his movement but now it felt unnecessary. And to top it off, always telling him to take a nap like that can solve any of their problems! Though he has to admit he is deadly tired... So far Ben hasn't objected to that small child's treatment even though it annoys him greatly, as he understands that this must be his father's way to deal with all this.

_Suddenly he has all this control over me, a big change from the time when he was powerless to do anything to my dark self..._

Ben trembles over the reminder.  _How could I end up like that? How could I cause such much pain to everyone...?_

_"Why didn't you tell us earlier he was your son?"_

_"Too much pain..."_

* * *

Ben sits up.

"Ben, you need some sleep." His father pushes him back down.

"So I'm not a disappointment...?"

_Even though I turned to the darkside?_

"Why do you say that?" His father looks from him to his mother, like she can answer his question. She only stares at them sadly.

"You said it was too much pain...to tell Rey and Finn that I was your son." Ben says in low voice and his father pulls him close. "That was in the past when you were trapped inside this Kylo Ren...I told you before...I thought I had lost you forever..." He whispers into his hair.

_Forever...what if I'm stuck like a little child forever? What then? What if I'm never allowed to grow up...because of what I did?_

"Do you love me now?" Ben asks.

_Like this?_

"What kind of a question is that?" His father scoffs.

Ben turns to him. "Do you?"

_Even though I used to be a terrible evil..._

"Of course son...always and more than you can ever imagine...There must be a leak in here..." His father turns away from him and wipes his eyes.

_Great...I made him cry again..._

_"You've made a plenty of people cry..."_

_Well, this is good crying! I've to make up...for all the bad crying I made people do..._

His mother smiles and wipes her eyes. "I'm...sorry but I really have to go back now. We are celebrating our the victory and they are probably wondering where I am..." She bites her lower lip and looks awfully torn between staying with her reunited family and returning back to base.

"Victory? The fight is over? Against the First Order?" Ben asks excitedly.

 _That would be the best thing ever! Please tell me that Snoky guy blew up with the Star Killer base! That would be so awesome!_ Ben grins coldly.

His father shakes his head with a frown which blows Ben's dream world away. "I'm afraid, it's only begun. Go get them general."

His mother runs but stops when Ben calls after her. "General? Mom you're a general now?"

_Was my dark self fighting against her directly? How could he do such a thing? What was he...eh I thinking? If I ever see him I will give him a piece of my mind!_

His mother nods. "I promise I will be back as soon as possible. I will bring your old clothes. Stay here...with your father."

"Okay, mom." Ben is sad to watch his mom leave.

_I always hates when she does that...but this time will be different...right? She won't leave me...?_

"Try to get some more sleep in the meantime." His father says.

"Okay, dad..." Ben lies down under the jacket-blanket. He is really anxious about falling asleep but maybe by going through his memories can he understand why he turned dark in the first place and how to prevent it. The only problem is that he has to go through that experience alone, without his parents to protect him...

_The nightmares can't hurt me. This Snoky guy can't reach me through my dreams...can he?_

He shivers when reminded of that huge creepy hologram and his ice cold words.

_What if...he could...? What then...?_

"Hey kid..."

Ben sits up, still trembling and sees his father's serious gaze.

"Whatever you encounter in your dreams or...memories. Well will be there for you when you wake up. Remember that." His father says sternly, like that time when he told him to stop this nonesense as there were no monsters under his bed, when in reality Ben was dealing with some creepy voice in his head. Except this time his dad promised to stay with him and help him through it and not leave him as always, so he could learn to deal with it himself.

_Whatever awaits me...at least I don't have to face it alone...finally...I can...get some...help..._

Ben's eyes fill up with tears.

"Son...?" His father's doesn't get any farther as Ben throws his arms around him. He doesn't care if he is acting like a much smaller child and he know that usually would he be scolded for it. But not now...

"I love you dad." He whispers.

His father just smiles and pats his back. "Get some sleep. I will be here...for you..."

* * *

_It is in the middle of a night, in a village that appears to be in the desert. A burning village..._

_Oh, no! I was hoping for a milder memory to begin with...not this savagery..._

_I hope this Smoke isn't anywhere here..._

_Ben looks around frantically but only sees captured villagers, stormtroopers and penned animals in panic._

_He doesn't appear to be here...I'm glad..._

_Ben stiffens and hides quickly behind a container when he see his masked self, his future-past self, walking down a landing ramp._

_I had a shuttle? That's kinda cool...but umm...why am I hiding from myself? Sure he's a bit creepy...but this is a bit ridiculous..._

_Ben decides to stay in his hiding place anyway, as he doesn't want to be too close to whatever his masked self is about to do._

_He watches as his masked self strides over to an outraged old man, that Ben recognises despite the time that has passed._

_Lor San Tekka? He's so old now..._

_"Look how old you become." Apparently his masked self agrees with that sentiment._

_"Something far worse has happened to you." Lor San Tekka snaps at him._

_Ouch..._

_"You know what I've come for."_

_"I know where you came from. Before you called yourself Kylo Ren."_

_Ben's ears burn under lecture from Lor San Tekka while his masked self just shuts it out._

_"The map to Skywalker. I know you have it and now you are going to give it to the First Order."_

_The map to uncle? Why do I want that? Hopefully just to find him...not to harm him...again..._

_"The First Order rose from the dark side...you did not." Lor San Tekka smirks._

_Where does this First Order even come from?_

_"I will show you the dark side." His masked self threatens Lor San Tekka._

_Please don't, please don't, please don't!_

_"You can try but you can't deny the truth that is your family."_

_Ben nods in agreement with his old family friend and yells at his masked self from his hiding place: "Yeah, listen to him. Stop acting like this! Think about mom and dad!" He glares at him._

_His masked self doesn't appear to hear or see him but at least he acknowledges Lor San Tekka's words. "You're so right."_ _He ignites the saber and walks briskly to him._

_Good, he's seeing some reason...wait why did he ignite the saber? Oh...no..._

_His masked self stabs his saber through Lor San Tekka._

_Whaaat! NOO! Ben yells and run towards the old family friend who falls dead to the ground._

_What have I done?! I killed him! Is that how I reacted to criticism? I killed people...?_

_A young pilot also scream no, jumps from hiding and starts shooting at his masked self, who only lifts his hand up quickly and stops the blast and freezes the man in midair._

_Wow..I'm kinda powerful...kinda cool...too bad that I'm so...evil..._

_The young pilot is brought before his masked self by two stormtroopers._

_"So who talks first?" The pilot asks with the same bravado that Ben know his father for._

_"The old man gave it to you."_

_"It's kinda hard to understand you..."_

_"Search him." The masked self ignores the pilot and the troopers search the pilot roughly. "Put him on board." His masked self walks away from him._

_"With all the apparatus..." The pilot finishes lamely._

_He's right, why am I wearing a mask anyway? To not be recognized? But how come Lor San Tekka knew exactly who I was? How many know my identity?_

_A platinum stormtrooper with a cape walks to him. "Sir, the villagers?"_

_Who is she?_

_"Kill them all." His masked self answer coldly and starts for his shuttle._

_What? No, why? We got the map right? There is no need for any...more...killing..._

_"On my command." The platinum stormtrooper says and the troopers ready their blasters._

_No! I don't want this! Ben is powerless to do nothing but watch as the villagers fall down dead in the shooting, although his masked self has his back turned while going back to his shuttle._

_His masked self suddenly sees a stormtrooper, who he can feel refused to shoot, he stops and looks over at him._

_Finn?_

_Despite the trooper's mask, Ben can feel through the force that Finn has the face of someone who feel like he is doomed._

_Oh boy, he looks deadly scared of me...no wonder he treated me like this..._

* * *

_Ben suddenly appears to be in an interrogation room. His masked self is torturing the pilot._

_"Where...is it?"_

_Where is what? The map?_

_The pilot starts screaming._

_Ben closes his eyes, trying shut out the screams, wishing desperately to wake up but when he open his eyes again, he is still in the interrogation room...this time with..._

_"Rey!"_

_"You're afraid." His masked self says._

_"You would be too, if you were being hunted by a creature in a mask." Rey snaps at him._

_To Rey's surprise and Ben's, his masked self unclasp his helmet, revealing for the first time the face under it, his face in twenty years._

_It makes Ben even more uncomfortable to see himself like this, too see that there was still human underneath that mask despite all the wicked things he had done._

_I want to get out of here. I don't want to see this! I don't want to see me torture poor Rey!_

_The dream won't allow him to leave and he can't seem to close his eyes either for what is happening._

_For some reason Rey manages to resist him invading her mind. Ben can feel how strong she is in the force and there is some connection between them, he doesn't understand._

_"You're afraid...that you will never be as strong as Darth Vader!" Rey shouts menacingly at him after having taking peek of his mind._

_His unmasked self, retreats in a surprise and...fright?_

_Yeah! You tell him...eh me...wait is that the torture thing I did to Rey? It looks more like she's torturing me...so I wasn't as mean to her as I thought...pheeww...that's a relief!_

* * *

_The scene changes abruptly and once again he stands before his masked self, who appears to be standing in front of a control panel._

_"The droid...stole a freighter?" His masked self asks an officer._

_Droid? What droid? R2 maybe? No, then I would just say R2. Can a droid fly a ship? I think some of them can...but I thought I was looking for a map..._

_"Not exactly sir. It had help." The officers answers like this was the most stupidest question he had ever heard and yet manages to be polite._

_Despite the politeness, his masked self reacts in furious anger, startling both Ben and the officer behind him, when his masked self slashes viciously through the control panel._

_Ah...that explains why I had the urge to slice up my father's ship but..he...eh I really need to control my temper...but good thing I didn't kill that poor man too._

_"Anything else?" His masked self asks after having got a good release from his anger...Ben at least hopes so._

_"It's with a girl."_

_Without warning his masked self lifts his hand up and uses the force to drag the poor man straight into his palm._

_"What girl?"_

_Yeah, what girl are you...I talking about? Rey?_

* * *

_The scene changes again and this time he's on planet filled with green._

_He witnesses as Rey is fighting his masked self desperately with a blaster. She shoots but he deflects each shot easily and then he stops her movement with the force._

_This isn't fair fight! She doesn't even have a lightsaber. Too bad she didn't have uncle Luke's lightsaber then. That would've been a real fight!_

_"The girl I've heard so much about." His masked self says excited._

_Ah, so she is the girl...I for some reason was very curious about. And this must be...when I kidnapped her..._

_Poor Rey is frightened out of her mind as she can't move, while his masked self uses the same technique to invade her mind as he used on her in the interrogation room._

_Except this time, she can't resist him._

_"You've seen the map." His masked self says in a surprise._

_Map? I thought I was looking for some droid now? Ah, the droid must have the map..._

_"Sir..." The stormtrooper rushes out some military command in a hurry Ben doesn't get or doesn't really care about now, as he's only fixate on poor Rey._

_"Dude, let her go." Ben snarls at his masked self who ignores him again._

_"Pull the division out. I have what we need." His masked self finally releases Rey from the forcegrab, who falls into in his arms and he carries her like a bride...albeit unconscious, to his shuttle..._

* * *

_Next chapter: Ben starts some trouble in the rebel base..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, poor little Ben is confused because of Reylo (it was that obvious!) Things are going to get complicated between him and Rey. ;)


	7. The droid I was looking for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I've always wondered is whether or not Threepio ever got to know the truth about his maker (Anakin=Vader) but I'm gonna pretend he did. The poor thing deserves the truth as much as anyone else...
> 
> And another thing, obviously this won't be a Reylo fic, but poor little Ben is a very confused...about everything...
> 
> And third and last, we all know Episode 8 is really going to be called "The revenge of the Wookie..." (or now after TLJ, maybe 9 will...lol...poor Ben!) Chewie has a darkside!

 

"This is Ben, now Solo, we adopted him. He was a prisoner at the Star Killer base." His mother holds him protectively in front of her as she introduces him to the rest of the rebels who surround them in the rebel base.

Ben huffs, not happy with the lie, but at least he got to keep his real name, after a lot of begging and pouting as he really didn't want to have to remember a another name on top of his dark side one. However, he does understand why his parents had to lie about his true identity and that it is all just in order to protect him.

_The rebels would probably freak out if they knew who I really was.._

He is dressed differently, in his old clothes, a black vest, white shirt and black trousers, a miniature version of his dad in his younger days.

_Clearly, black will always be my favorite color..along with red..._

"Well, he certainly fits the part." The red famous fishy guy chuckles at his own joke but Ben can't remember his name.

_Admiral...Gagbar?_

"He's so adorable." A woman with buns in her hair, very similar to the hairstyle his mother used to wear, reaches over to ruffle his hair.

"I'm not an Ewok!" Ben snarls at her and makes her back away in surprise.

"Ben..." His mother says warningly.

"Sorry, mom...just tired..."

"I know sweetie, this won't take long." She ruffles his hair despite his protest before.

_She is allowed to touch my hair but not some random stranger..._

"Awww..." Some of the rebels coos at him.

_Really...have the rebels never seen a child in their life? Hmm, that could be because of how the First Order kidnaps kids to train them to be stormtroopers...? But the rebels themselves have to be a child once... My brain is too tired to figure out this stupid puzzle of why they are acting like this...I really just want to go back to sleep..._

He remembers his mother's words when she came back with his clothes. " _It won't take long, we just have to introduce him to the rest of the rebels and then you can go back to sleep. Okay, sweetie?_

 _We have done that now...can't I just go back to the Falcon...?_  He yawns.  _Will I ever be able to get a normal sleep again...?_

"Can't I just go back to the Falcon?" He asks his mom out loud.

"I don't want you to be alone...not like this. This will be a short meeting, I promise." She kisses him on the top of the head.

"Okay..." Ben relents, as he knows everyone has to be present for the meeting and is happy to be suddenly allowed to participate despite his age and most importantly being their former mortal enemy. Too bad that he's still so deadly tired after all the nightmares, as he not sure whether he has the stamina to take part in a whole meeting.

_I need to go back to sleep to know more about why I turned to the dark side...no have to sleep...I'm so exhausted! But I guess.. I will have to wait a bit longer..._

All of his memories are so jumbled up, some even feel false or not correct or different in some way, maybe because he can't understand them all. Ben also still has no clue why he had turned dark, as all his memories seems to be his most recent but at least he didn't have a single one about the Snoke man.

_Though this Snoke man seem to the last piece of the puzzle...as to why I turned.._

_I have to go back to sleep to know more...though it's exhausting having to analyze your dreams the whole time instead of just welll...dream..._

Ben feels it strange how he can watch his memories from the outside. He was expecting to have to witness everything through his own eyes, as they are his memories, though at the same time he is glad that he doesn't have to experience the horror that way. But maybe it just means that he truly is of two minds, the other one he can only enter when he is asleep...

"Ben, he has the same name as your son...that Kylo Ren killed?" One of the rebels asks.

_Killed...? That was the story they were using...? They never expected me to come back...?_

As Ben is so tired, the memories that would most likely just appear in his dreams, jump up into his mind even though he's...half awake.

" _Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father. So I destroyed him." His unmasked self says in memory, on the catwalk where everything changed forever..._

"Yes..." His mother gets emotional as it had really happened that way.

_Could've fooled me...at least that Kylo Ren bastard thought he had killed me..._

_His mind goes back to the catwalk._

" _That's what Snoke wants you to believe but it's not true. My son is alive." His father answers him in his memory._

_Thank the maker that dad had more luck with reaching out to me than poor Lor San Tekka..._

His mind jumps quickly to the dream of him stabbing through his old family friend.

Ben shakes his head and shivers when a horrible thought crosses his mind.  _What if...no..I..._ _wouldn't have killed him too? Not my...own father...? How could I ever live with that...?_

Perhaps his father senses, despite him not being force sensitive, that Ben is feeling miserable or just wants to lighten the mood a bit, as he suddenly lifts him high up into the air with the words. "And now we have this bundle of cuteness instead." He puts him on top of the holographic viewer.

"DAD! I'm not a toddler."

"I beg to differ." His father pinches his cheek teasingly.

Even though Ben is a little bit annoyed at him for that treatment, he is mostly relieved for having escaped the unthinkable thoughts about what could've been, that made him sick to his stomach.

_Thank you for saving me...from myself..._

The rebels fawn over him like he's a newborn.

"He so cute!"

"I just want to eat him up."

_So embarrassing!_

His parents beam proudly as if they had just brought him from the maternity ward. Sure, Ben wants his parents to be proud of him after everything, but this is too much! Though he has to admit that being treated like a newborn isn't really that far fetched, as his second chance certainly felt like a rebirth. Even his too big clothes could be interpreted as being a shell of his old self and his new self have been hatched from that egg...

_I'm so tired...I've started composing poetry!_

In spite of his rebirth, Ben knows he sadly can't escape his past and he doesn't have to look further than at the persons apart from his parents, who know his true identity. Finn has his ever present glare like he's expecting Ben to turn back into Kylo Ren at any given moment and Chewie, who looks at him sternly and watches over his every move, shares that same sentiment. Ben can't really blame them for worrying, as he doesn't even know if that is a possibility or not.

 _If I can change this easily, maybe he can change as easily back_... _or maybe I am stuck like this_... _forever?_  Ben hopes not as that would suck to never be allowed to grow up again...

Rey is the only one of the trio, who doesn't seem to be fearful or angry at him, which Ben thinks is extremely odd considering their past together...

Ben gets red in the face when remembering how he had woken up screaming Rey and had refused to speak to his parents about what he was dreaming about.

_This was worse! Way way way worse than I thought...I was hitting on her the entire time or something...! How can I even...? This is so confusing!_

He had begged his parents to wait with asking Rey about adoption without clarifying why he had changed his mind so suddenly except that he needed to sort his feelings out first and they allowed him that, as they knew had to have his reasons...no matter how strange...

 _I hope I won't dream more about her...why was I carrying her like a bride and why did I take my mask of for her? And why was I so obsessed with her? Please don't tell me I'm in love with her...or something...?_ He groans.  _This is so awkward!_

"Were there no other children on the Star Killer base?" One of the rebels asks with envy and longing that wakes Ben up from his thoughts.

"I hope we didn't blow them up!" Another rebel says.

_That would've been a huge mistake..._

"No, don't worry. There were none other." His father answers like he had checked in every room for abducted kids, which Ben doubt he did.

_I seriously hope he's right about that..._

"Okay, you've had enough of that view." His father moves him on the floor again.

_Noooo! Don't put me in the rancars den!_

Ben shivers when the rebels surround him with glee.

"Poor kid was a prisoner."

"We have to give him a warm welcome."

"Stop pinching me!" Ben bats away some rebels who pinch his cheeks while others ruffles his hair.

_Foolish rebels!_

_If I could just tell them who I really was...that would certainly scare those fools away!_

_Too bad, it's too dangerous to tell the truth, I really wished I could see the stunned look on their faces.._ Ben chuckles evilly and has fun imagine that while being "tortured" by the rebels.

Ben head jolts up when he hears a cute laugh and sees that Rey is laughing at his predicament. He meets her eyes and she just smiles at him.

_She adaptive very quickly to my change...from being an evil bastard...to a child...well or rather just me. She probably just sees me as a little brother...I hope so! Otherwise, this would be...ewww...she's too old for me...right? Argh! Don't think like that! No! I don't want to remember mother's lecture about where babies come from! Aaargh!_

Ben grabs his head in panic and in the vain hope that it will stop his strange thought from appearing.

"Let's get BB-8 here and see if there really are no other clues to Luke's whereabouts." His mother says.

"He should be around here somewhere," says a voice Ben recognizes from his dream, yet he can't remember who it is and Ben focus intently on finding more out about the map, so he can stop thinking about Rey.

_They need the rest of the map...if only Artoo was here I would venture a guess that uncle put the rest there...but of course Artoo must be with uncle, they are inseparable..._

" _The girl I've heard so much about..." The masked self keeps torturing him by turning his attention back to Rey._

" _NOOOO!" Ben yells in his mind, echoing when his masked self shouted in anger when he saw that she had disappeared._

He runs away before his mind can torment him with any more memories.

"Ben, are you alright?" His mother calls after him.

Ben stops and calls back innocently. "I just need some air..."

_If only I could escape my own mind!_

"Don't go very far and come straight back here."

_No trust..._

"Yes, mom..." He calls over his shoulder and then proceed to walk hurriedly away from Rey as he can't face her now, not after this, when he collides with a rolling droid and falls back on the ground.

_I didn't get very far...anyway..._

* * *

"Hey, are you alright, kid?" The voice Ben recognizes from his memories helps him get back on his feet and dusts the dirt off his trousers.

Ben at last sees what he collided with, an orange and white droid looks at him curiously and suddenly his mind whips him to a different time.

" _Tell me about the droid."_

" _He's a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator..." Rey's fearful voice answers him._

" _He's carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest, recovered from archives of the Empire. We need the last piece. And somehow, you convinced the droid to show it to you. You. A scavenger..." His masked self interrogates Rey._

Ben shivers in shock over the voice of his old self talking to Rey.

_What the...another memory? And this is the droid...I was looking for...? Yeah, the one with the piece of the map to uncle Luke..._

A sudden greed appears in Ben's eyes.

_I want the map._

He reaches out for BB-8 but before he touches him, he withdraws his hand like had burned himself.

_No! I don't need the map any longer...not for myself...but for mom...and we need the rest..._

Ben grabs his head in confusion.  _Right...? Or is the rest with the First Order...? If it is, how can we even get it...?_

BB-8 chirps in surprise over his overreaction.

"Are you scared of BB-8? Don't be...he is nothing but nice." Ben finally sees the owner of the voice, who lower himself to his eye level, a scruffy looking man in a pilot jacket pats BB-8 like he's a little kitten. "Aren't you?"

BB-8 chirps happily.

_It's the pilot from my dream! The one I tortured...Poe Dameron...I think is his name...the best pilot in the resistance..._

" _So who talks first?" Poe from his memory says to his masked self when he had been captured by the stormtroopers._

"I talk first...I always talk first." Ben smirks.

_Yeah, I should've said that..._

Poe just stares at him like he's the weirdest kid in the galaxy. "Huh? That makes no sense kid...but really you don't have to be scared of BB-8..."

"I'm not scared of him! He just reminds me of another droid...I was looking for..." Ben finishes lamely.

"Hmm, strange, BB-8 here is one of its kind."

"One of its kind, like myself, who was made by the chosen one, Anakin Skywalker, who later even turned into Darth Vader himself!" The golden protocol droid, now with a new red arm, walks towards them after that dramatic introduction.

Ben has to fight back so he won't cry with joy over seeing his old friend again. As he had not seen Threepio in the briefing meeting he had feared for the worst and had been prepared for some really bad news, but had been too afraid to ask his parent as he knows how everything had changed for the worst in this world...his world. Seeing Threepio in one piece is more than he could ever hope for.

"I thought I would circuit when I found out the truth! Everything I thought about myself was a lie..."

Threepio doesn't get any further as Ben can't control his emotions and hugs him. "Threepio! I'm so happy to see you again!" He lets go of him. "You have a new arm..."

_Why does he have a red arm? What happened to him?_

"How nice of you to notice, sir!" Threepio lifts his red arm up like he's checking it out before turning back to Ben. "Though I don't like it very much...hang on...have we met before sir? You do look very familiar..." Threepio tilts his head to the side like that would help him get a better look of Ben.

_Oops...I can't tell him the truth...not yet...how can I even explain...?_

"No...mom...I mean Leia, who just adopted me, has told me all about you..."  
Threepio straightens up. "Has she? Well, it's nice to hear that I'm finally appreciated...it sure took some time..."

_I've always appreciated you Threepio...I wonder if you still remembers me or if your memories were wiped again..._

"You seem to have found your droid." Poe grins. "I'm happy for you...though he does not look anything like BB-8..." He ruffles Ben's hair teasingly before walking away with BB-8 rolling behind him.

"I know that! I'm not an idiot!" Ben yells after him. "But he's still an...!"

"A what sir?" Threepio asks curiously after Ben's voice trails off.

"Nothing, sorry..." Ben hangs his head in shame. "My bad..."

"Well then, let me know if you need my assistance." Threepio waves goodbye and starts to walk away at his ever slow pace.

Ben just nods.

He feels extremely guilty for lying to his old friend and also for the fact that it's his fault that Threepio got to know the truth about his maker, not about Anakin being Darth Vader, as he had no idea about that, but after Threepio got to know that his maker was Anakin, the chosen one, he undoubtedly got a huge shock when the truth came out six years ago...

Ben can still remember his quest to find Threepio's maker.

* * *

" _Threepio, have you've never wanted to find out, who made you?" Ben asked after he was constantly trying to find out his link to Darth Vader. He had no clue that Threepio also had a link until now.._

" _Even if I did young sir, I'm afraid there are no records."_

Ben felt sorry for the one who had always taken care of him in his parent's absence and as they were away a lot, Ben felt he owed him a great debt.

After fiddling around with Threepio's programs after Threepio had shut himself off to rest, he found out to his surprise and horror that his memories had been wiped. Ben did a lot of digging and research to find out whether or not there was any way to get his memories back and after a long tireless tries and failures, at last he got some of his memories back.

He found out that a small boy, who seemed to look like a slave and lived on Tatooine, on the same planet as his uncle Luke when he was a kid, made Threepio.

_Wow, that kid must have been a genius to make something so advanced at his age!_

Ben had to really dig for more information and began by showing his uncle the data he had found and asked if he knew about anything about this. He didn't dare ask his mother until he found out the truth, she never liked him doing any research into their past. But this was Threepio, surely nothing harmful could come out of that?

His uncle, of course, said he knew nothing and also forbid Ben to do anymore research which Ben promised, though he didn't understand the reason so instead he kept on doing it...in secret.

_Really, what are everyone so afraid of?_

It wasn't until one day that Ben was looking over old podracing records that he at last found out who that boy was.

_Anakin...Skywalker...my grandpa...the chosen one! I finally found Threepio's maker!_

" _Mom, I just found out that grandpa made Threepio! And he was only nine years old when he did that! Isn't it amazing?! And his creation lives now with us..."_

" _Stop this snooping around this instant." His mother said in a cold voice._

" _But why?"_

_What did I do wrong...? What was wrong with me knowing granddad made him?_

" _Because I said so. You will not do any more research on your own, do you hear me? You might find a truth...you are not ready for."_

" _Okay...mom..."_

_What are you hiding from me?!_

" _I was made by the chosen one! The chosen one! I knew there was something special about me, that could explain why the Ewoks treated me like a god...!"_

" _Shut up Threepio!" His father had growled and looked at Ben. "Why in the...did you have to tell him? Didn't you think he was annoying enough?"_

" _Sorry...father..."_

* * *

Of course at that time his father could've just told Threepio that Anakin later turned into Darth Vader and shut him up for good, but he couldn't as his parents didn't want Ben to know the truth either. Meaning his father had to suffer through Threepio's endless bragging about have been made by the chosen one...that is...until six years ago...

Ben can just imagine poor Threepio's face when he got the news.

" _No, not Darth Vader...not Darth Vader! I'm evil!"_

_Poor Threepio...I know just how you feel...I wonder if he ever knew about me turning...or does he thinks that I was killed by Kylo Ren...?_

_I guess Threepio and I are they ones that are always being lied to..._

Ben eyes go wide when he sees another familiar droid.

_No way Artoo...here?_

* * *

Artoo?" Ben gasps when he's sees Artoo in the corner and runs over to him. " Why does he look like he is...broken?"

_Artoo can't be broken! No way, not Artoo?! And why isn't he with uncle Luke? Is it my fault?! I would never hurt Artoo! Would I?_

Threepio, who hadn't gotten all the way to the meeting cause of his slow walking pace, turn around and joins him by Artoo's side."You know my counterpart as well? I'm impressed, but I'm afraid that Artoo has been in a low power mode ever since Master Luke went away...not that you know him..."

_Low power mode? Could it be...?_

"Yes, I do! He's my unc...I mean I'm a close relative...now..." Ben's tongue get's twisted over all the lies he has to spit out, while he checks over Artoo in the hope of finding a switch to turn him on again.

"You are, sir? Who are you really?"

Ben changes the subject instantly. "Did you ever find the rest of the map to unc...Luke?"

_I can't say uncle...that could link me to Kylo Ren...if Threepio knows of me turning..._

"Sadly, no. But we certainly hope to find it one day..."

Ben interrupts Threepio's speech. "Have you checked to see if Artoo has the rest of the map?"

_Low power mode sounds like he's hiding something. He has carried important information before...like the message to uncle Obi-wan and the Death Star Plans..._

"No, it's very unlikely that he has the rest on his backup data...what are you doing sir?"

Ben slams R2. "Wake up!" He shakes him, till he rattles and turns his knobs violently.

_I know uncle must have hidden the rest of the map. He always does things like that, splits thing up and really makes you work for it to test your patience...annoying the force out of you. He must have left something behind for mom...he must have! She hasn't even checked to see if Artoo has it!_

Ben starts kicking R2.

_I'm sorry if I'm hurting you, Artoo...but please, please snap out of it!_

"What are you doing sir?" Threepio asks alarmed, like Ben is trying to break Artoo.

_There should be some button to shift him on again...Come on! Please for mom! I need to fix this! Fix what I did!_

"I WANT THE MAP! YOU STUPID DROID!"

His loud voice startles everyone in the base, who turn their attention to him from the meeting they are having.

"BEN, language." His mother glares warningly at him from the other end of the room. "And stop hurting poor Artoo."

"Ben, behave." His father scowls at him.

_Oh, oh...I'm in trouble...aren't I?_

* * *

Before Ben has any chance of explaining himself, the floor suddenly seems to vanish from underneath his feet as hairy arms grab him and hoist him into the air.

" _You have ruined enough!"_ Chewie turns him around till he faces him.

_Oh, no, where the...did he come from? Did he use light speed or something?! Never mind how! Help! I'm at the mercy of the wookie!_

Ben is too scared to call for help but hopes for one anyway.

_Everyone can see that I am in the hands of a furious wookie! But there is only one who can stop him so...please dad, save me!_

"What did he do?" Threepio asks stunned. "Besides hurting poor precious Artoo of course..."

" _He sliced up the Falcon...,"_ growls Chewie.

_And messed up the galaxy...is probably what he is thinking as well..._

"Oh my..." Threepio shakes his head in disbelief. "And he lived...?"

" _Not for long..."_ Chewie growls.

_I'm so doomed! I will lose my limbs...! IS there really no rescue on their way?_

Chewie turns him swiftly around and sticks him under his arm.

_Is he going to pull my legs out first?_

His breath gets knocked out of him when Chewie smacks him hard.

"OWIE!"

_No way...he didn't just...was that his idea...of an interesting punishment? No, no, no way!_

Ben tries to swim away in midair.

_Not with everyone watching...not that I like this to be done in privacy either!_

"Chewie let him go!" His father finally comes to his rescue. "Hand him over to me. NOW!"

_Why couldn't you come like...five second ago?! You should be able to use light speed as well!_

Chewie reluctantly hands him over. " _You're way too lenient."_

"That's not yours to decide." His father puts Ben down and pinches his ear once. "Behave."

"Ow!" Ben rubs his sore ear with a hurt look and yells desperately: "But I was only trying to help! Don't you all realize that uncle must have hidden the rest of the map in Artoo? Artoo would never go into low power mode except to protect something important!"

_Why can't anyone see that?! Why are you all so stupid?!_

"I'm sure your mom has already checked that. Don't worry, we will find him." His father squeezes Ben's shoulder warmly.

"Supreme leader I can get the map. I just need your guidance..." Ben covers his mouth in fright.

_What am I saying? This was from a memory...wasn't it?_

His father looks shocked over his choice of words, with the rest of the rebels but then he shakes his head tiredly. "Look, even though I demand your respect and all...calling me a supreme leader is a bit too much." He pats Ben's head like he is asking Kylo Ren to stay there.

The rebels laugh at what they think was Ben only making an innocent mistake and proceed with their meeting. Even his mother manages to make it look like this is no big deal, though Ben knows she must be worried about him.

_After all, she's a master in pretending everything is okay..._

"Sorry...dad..." Ben hangs his head.

"And don't worry about the map. It's not your concern anymore." His father says gently.

"Okay..." Ben goes rigid and hide behind his father back when Chewie suddenly looms over him. " _Now you know who you once were."_

_Too bad Threepio understands every word...to most people it just sounds like Chewie is only growling madly at me..._

"Once were...?" Threepio looks questioningly between Chewie and Ben, who peers from behind his father's back, while his father just shake his head over Chewie's angry lecture.

"Yes.." Ben answers sadly.

" _Then you must understand why I can't trust you."_

"Yes..."

" _And that I will not forgive you easily for hurting your dad or mom...or uncle."_ Chewie shakes his fist at him.

"Chewie..." His father says warningly.

"Uncle? Dad and mom, oh yes, he was just adopted of course that would make Luke his uncle...but hurt, he's just a child..." Threepio looks to be trying to piece something in his head and failing miserably.

"Yes..." Ben continues answering Chewie's accusations.

" _And why...above all you must be on your best behavior from now on..._

"Of course..."

" _You better..."_

"Chewie, be nice to him." His father holds Ben protectively behind him.

" _I will try..."_

"Do or do not, there is no try." Ben says, remembering a line his uncle often used and Ben hates with passion.

Chewie just glares at him.

_Maybe he's angry because I used one of uncle lines...after I forced him to go into hiding...? Great...now he is even angrier with me..._

"Han, can you come over for a sec?" His mother calls from the other end of the room.

Ben follows after him, but halts when his father puts his hand in front of him. "No, you stay here."

_What? No! Why did you change your mind?! I was only trying to help you find the map!_

"But I can help!" Ben whines.

" _Please...don't leave me out again...and don't leave me here with Chewie!_

His father shakes his head. "You're too young for this. It's...dangerous."

_The same old...you are too young...I've seen some real terror you know...done some horrible things and yet I am not trusted to be with them in an innocent briefing meeting...?_

_Wait...what if they are afraid of this information getting back to Kylo Ren and in case...I would suddenly turn back...which would suck, but you never know...they wouldn't be putting the rebellion in danger? Yeah, that makes sense...I understand that reason far better...then be being too young now..._

"Okay...may I go back to the Falcon?" He asks innocently.

_Or I will die out of boredom here..._

"Not a bad idea, but not alone, Chewie can go with you. You can play Djekarik battle together." His father replies casually like Chewie did not just beat Ben earlier and to make absolutely sure of his further intentions, Chewie grins and cracks his knuckles.

Ben gulps audibly.  _No way! What if he sees the "Family artwork" and thinks it's all my doing. He will never believe that I didn't do it! I don't want anymore of his...interesting punishment!_

"No thank you..what about you Threepio...?" He turns to his old friend who backs away like Ben's is thinking of hitting him like Artoo.

"I'm afraid my assistance is required here, but thanks for the offer...though I do hope you don't make it a custom to kick droids around..."

_Another memory pops into his head, this time a voice he thinks belongs to the Hux guy._

" _My men are exceptionally trained - programmed from birth- "_

" _Then they should have no problem retrieving the droid. Unharmed."_

_At least my old self didn't hurt droids...that's a bit of a relief...I wasn't a total bastard..._

"No...okay, then what about Rey...?" Ben's voice trails off as his face heats up.

"Sure, I can come with you..." replies Rey, who was close by and most likely heard and saw everything that transpired, which makes Ben feel even worse.

_No! What am I thinking?! I can't be alone with her! Who knows what strange places my mind could go to?_

Ben covers his ears in desperation when the voice of his old self talks into his ear and he knows these are all sentences regarding his perverted...no previous encounters with Rey...

" _You're my guest."_

" _You know I can take whatever I want."_

" _Don't be afraid...I feel it too."_

" _She's strong with the Force, untrained but stronger than she knows."_

" _Supreme leader. I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance."_

" _Guards!"_

"Never mind...I will just stay here..." Ben sits down on the floor like he's thinking of camping out there.

Rey looks confused and a little hurt. "Okay, if you are sure."

"Alright, if you're sure kid. This shouldn't take too long." His father ruffles his hair before walking further into the base with Chewie, Threepio and Rey, trailing behind him, leaving Ben alone with the low powered Artoo...

* * *

_Next chapter: Ben starts even more trouble in the rebel base..._


	8. The darkside calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with post traumatic stress order (PTSD) something that I have personal experience of but poor Ben has the worst case ever of it...(you will see why)
> 
> A bit more serious chapter than the last one...

 

His dad lied, this meeting was taking way too long...or at least for someone as tired and bored as him.

The rebels have all gathered in a big circle around the holographic viewer and the red famous fishy guy is talking about some military stuff, Ben would probably understand perfectly if he were his old self but for his young ears it only sounds like gibberish.

_I think he's called Admiral...Arghbar? No, that doesn't sound right...and he has some catchphrase...It's a nap? No, that's not right either...a trap? Yeah, that sounds about right. But what was his name again? Ah, doesn't matter those stupid adults...don't want my help anyway, well then they are not going to get it...though I wonder if I really can help in any way. Isn't my only worth who I once was...?_

_I don't even know anything about the First Order...even though I used to work for them...I only have outdated information, like they are after the map to uncle and blew up the Hosenian system...so nothing useful for the rebellion...I don't even know if they have any other super weapon beside the Star Killer base..._

Ben sighs and lies down on the floor with his arms under his head, as his eyes try to look for something of entertainment value without having his mind whipping forth more memories to confuse him even further.

_The ceiling should be a safe place..._

Ben starts to count the tiles in the ceiling of the building, that looks to be underground judging from the vines hanging from it, but knows it is not, as he walked straight into the hangar when he arrived.

_What a strange place..._

He closes his eyes as he can't fight the sleep any longer...

" _General Hux. Is it the Resistance pilot?" His masked self walks formidably through a door._

" _Yes, and he had help from one of our own. We're checking the registers now to identify which Stormtrooper it was..." A red haired man in a black uniform, general Hux, answers him while looking frantically over at the data on the computers._

" _The one from the village. FN2187." His masked self says with confidence like he and Finn were best friends._

Ben wakes up, annoyed.  _Urgh...when will my memories stop haunting me...? Well, at least I now know that Finn helped Poe escape...from me...he's braver than I thought...though he seems to be scared of his shadow now..._

Ben stands up.

_I can't sleep here too many memories...not even the ceiling was good enough..._

He is so bored and tired that he's even willing to have Chewie watch over him in the Falcon. He figures he can just have his dad explain first about the "Family artwork" so he wouldn't get into any trouble for it and besides, he was just going to sleep...or he can just try to convince his parents that he could do that unsupervised anyways. Though they probably didn't want him to be alone because of his constant nightmares, but really, it was better than staying here and wither out of boredom.

Ben finds a small gap in the audience circle and plans on slither in and quickly get parents permission to leave so he wouldn't interrupt the meeting in any way as that would without doubt annoy people, especially those that hate him for who he once was, when all of the sudden the gap closes.

Ben looks up and sees Finn glaring at him over his shoulder hatefully, like Ben had planned on spying on the rebellion and give all the information directly to the First Order.

_Really? He will give me no chance to prove myself that I'm not evil anymore? I've said that I'm sorry and all...stubborn...idiot...what more does he want from me? Even Rey has forgiven me...but not him? What did I ever do to him? Besides glaring at him through a mask and searching for him or something...?_

"I'm not going to spy...I just have to talk to my parents..." Ben whispers in his most innocent voice possible.

Finn's not buying it and in fact his glare only get's more hateful.

_I shouldn't have said spied...now he definitely thinks that's what I'm about to do..._

"Okay...can you give them a message from me?"

Finn shakes his head.

_Why you...if I had my saber you wouldn't even dare object me..._

Ben's eyes dart around the room, till they land on long ruler sitting on a workbench not far from him. He has no idea what it was used for but he doesn't care as it fits perfectly with what he has in mind. Ben grins.

_This might just do the trick..._

He picks up the ruler, holds it like it is a saber with his two hands and for more effect he makes light saber noise with his mouth. He imagines the blue saber, as he had recently used that one, but not his own and mimics how he had swung it around, to be as believable as possible.

_Now I know the saber did not just belong to uncle Luke and grandpa Anakin before him. It was also Darth Vader's saber! Which is very cool...I mean interesting, more interesting than had it just belonged to my grandpa the chosen one, the boy scout uncle Luke always made him out to be...but I'm only interested in Darth Vader because he killed the emperor...not because of the dark side! Not anymore, at least..._

_Haha! I have some things to ask uncle about, he sure can't lie to me anymore! Wait...what the...am I saying? I can't just go back and visit him? I don't think it's wise of me to meet him...ever again...so when we find the rest of the map...I'm going into hiding...from him...but until then I can play around a bit..._

Ben hums along as he swings his make-believe saber not far from Finn, whose shoulders tense up and his hair stand up on the back of his neck, like Ben really has a real one. No one besides Finn, is paying any special attention to Ben, as he is only a kid playing a make believe game.

"Finn, he's just a kid. What are you even scared of?" Poe shakes his head.

"If you knew half the things I know...you would know that he's a dangerous kid." Finn jumps up as the ruler swings a little too close to him.

"Dangerous...?" Poe asks in disbelief.

_I will show you how dangerous I am!_

Ben swings the ruler hard into Finn's back.

"Ouch!" Finn jump up and turns to him. "Why you little!"

Ben chuckles evilly.

_That's for being so mean to me all the time!_

"BEN!"

His father shouting draws him harshly from his game and back to the reality.

_Okay, maybe not my wisest move...but this was so funny!_

His mother has no need of raising her voice as she only says sternly: "Stop it now, or I will use that ruler on a certain anatomy of yours."

Ben jumps up like he has been hit by lightning. "Sorry, mom!"

"Put it back."

"Yes, mom..." He puts the ruler back on the desk and for a moment thinks about breaking it, so that threat can never come true but decides against it.

_I guess I just have to behave for now...pheeew...this was a little dangerous...for me..._

_Too bad none of my memories held any good lightsaber duels...maybe that's why I was slashing up a control panel. I miss having a real duel..._

"I want a lightsaber...not a blaster...they suck." Ben mutters under his breath as he picks up a blaster from the weapon shelf and checks it out.

_Perhaps Rey would one day want to duel me for real...a lightsaber duel not with a lame blaster vs. lightsaber. That's not fair!_

"You're not getting any weapon, kid." His father suddenly appears by his side and puts the blaster away.

_So now he could use a light speed...?_

"What?! But...!"

"It's too dangerous for you. Now, behave." His father pats his head once before returning to the meeting.

Ben stares in disbelief after him.

_If I'm joining the rebellion I need a weapon, right? At least some day...I will grow up...right?_

_What if this the force's punishment for what I became and won't ever allow me to grow up again...but really shouldn't grandad also have gotten that punishment as well? Why just me? Maybe the force didn't do it...because he was the chosen one? So unfair!_

_Will mom and dad send me back to school? Or is there any school in the future...that isn't under the First Order's command? I don't want to go back to school! It's so booring..._

_No, mom and dad will probably keep me around here...but what if I'm forced to sit around and never be able to participate in anything...ever...I...?_

Ben shakes his head and sits down on the floor.  _No, that's a dangerous thinking...I can't jump to conclusions...let's see what can I do to stay awake? That lightsaber game was kind of fun...and no one can forbid me to play it in my head..._

* * *

"Aww..he's meditating." One of rebels says.

From the outside it certainly looks like Ben is only meditating, whereas he sits on the floor with his eyes close and a tranquil look on his face. No one knows that he is in fact imagining himself slicing through the shelves and desks in the rebel base. He grins wildly.

_Uncle Luke would've a fit if knew of my destructive thoughts...but it's not like he's already mad enough at me...that is...as mad as Jedi is allowed to be..._

_I never want to be Jedi again...it sucks, you can't do anything and if you do anything fun it straight to the darkside where all the cool powers come from..._

Ben shakes his head violently.

_No, no! I can't think of the darkside being cool...that's a dangerous thinking...but really I'm just playing around no harm can come from that..._

Ben imagines himself slicing up Finn for fun.

" _BEN SOLO!"_

Ben jumps up and open his eyes when he hears his mother's voice inside his head. He except to see her glaring at him across the holographic viewer but to his surprise, she is not even looking in his direction. Rey, however is and looks worried but Ben quickly averts her gaze.

_Must have been my imagination..._

" _Stop these thoughts NOW"_

It appears it is indeed his mother who is shouting at him and rebuking him through a force link. It's unnerving how she can tell him off in his head and yet proceed with the meeting like nothing is interrupting her.

_Great...she must have felt my dark side thoughts through the force...like Rey..._

" _But I was just playing around..." Ben answer her through the force link._

" _You've "played" that game enough for far too many years."_

_Terrific, any other child would be allowed to play around in their head, but "just" because I turned to the darkside once, mom thinks she has to censor all my thoughts now..._

" _But it was just an innocent fun..." Ben whines._

" _No, it was not innocent and you know it. Stop it now or you will be punished after the meeting."_

_After...the meeting..._

" _Yes...mom..."_

" _Good boy."_

_I'm never as important as some...kriffing meeting...?!_

_There are only two words Ben hates with passion, punishment, bedtime. eat your greens, do your homework, stop snooping around, you're too young..._

_Okay, to be fair, he hates a lot of words but the words that really make his blood boil are, after the meeting..._

Ben knows that he's acting childish, of course the meeting about the future of the galaxy is important, but he can't help the hate he feels against these words. His own mother couldn't even stop that stupid meeting to scold him properly, no she just did it in the middle of it, without losing any face, with none the wiser and even his own father was clueless about her reprimanding him. It was like it was something she couldn't even be bothered with and something she needed to do in a hurry to be able to do more important things than taking care of him. Ben knows he should be used that treatment by now, yet it always hurts to be treated like a side project.

" _Not now sweetie, we will talk after the meeting."_

" _I'm very sorry, but I'm already late to a meeting. You can show me afterwards."_

However, that afterwards rarely came as his mother was always busy and always going to the next meeting in the Senate or too tired to talk about anything of value.

His father was no better as he often had to fly somewhere and when Ben asked if he could come with him, he usually retorted with it was too dangerous or that Ben had school.

So Ben was often left alone with Threepio, the only one who could listen to him, but Threepio could only understand as much as his programming allowed so he never truly understood any of his feelings.

" _Your parents love you very much...they are just very busy..." Threepio explained to him and in vain tried to comfort him._

One day Ben finally had enough and when he found out that quickest way for him to get his parents' attention was to make trouble at school or at home, he often got into fights with his classmates or asked "dangerous" questions about the Empire or the Dark side that the creepy voice whispered to him about.

His parents often fought over what to do with him or yelled at him till his ears burned, but as their time was very limited they sometimes, when his uncle had not vanished somewhere, got him to lecture him instead, which was not something he wanted.

_And then they send me away...which was the last thing I wanted!_

Ben hands shake with rage.

_Well, I will show her! She has no control over my thoughts!_

He takes a good look at two empty hands and puts them together like he's holding a saber.

* * *

 _What did my saber feel like again?_ Ben shuts his eyes and imagines the rough exterior of the black hilt. He imagines the red saber igniting and hums the sound that accompanies it.

_Echo of screams can be heard as the red saber stabs through a body...this time...of his father._

" _Thank you." His unmasked self says to his stricken father._

_What was that?_

Ben sweats profusely.  _That wasn't a memory...that was something else..._

He looks sharply to the side. His father is still there. Every inch in his body tells him to run to make really sure that he's alright.

Ben hugs him from behind.

"What...kid?"

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be. We are not mad about happened earlier." His father ruffles his hair in an effort to calm him down, despite not knowing what's really troubling him and he will never know, as Ben never intents to tell him the painful truth.

_Never ever!_

Finn huffs as he is the helpless victim in this case. "Don't come near me..."

"Sweetie, you don't have to worry about that anymore..." His mothers says gently and is probably also talking about from earlier.

" _What's wrong?" She asks, worried through the forcelink._

Ben throws up a mind shield.

_Mom can never know what I saw...what I intended to do...she would kill me! No matter how angry I am at them...this was too much...is this how I turned to the darkside...? Really...it's that easy?_

"I don't feel so well..." Is the only thing Ben says out loud.

"You are burning up..." His father remarks at the same time another memory burst forth in Ben's mind.

_Another loud scream, this time from a memory and the dream, Poe bursts in with blaster aloft as Lor San Tekka's body fell to the ground with the red saber through it._

"Ben...?" His father asks but Ben doesn't answer as he only stares into space when he suddenly sees his masked self walking into the interrogation room towards Poe, who looks beaten up.

" _I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board._

_Comfortable?"_

" _Not really." Poe answers him through battered lips._

" _I'm impressed. No one has been able to get out of what you did with the map."_

" _Might wanna rethink your technique." Poe challenges him and his masked self says nothing, he only reaches out to Poe, who flinches in his chair despite him not touching him._

_Poe is soon in agony._

" _Where is it?" His masked self asks in a cold voice._

"Ben...are you okay?" His mother's voice drifts faintly through the vision.

_No! I'm far from okay! I've...lost...my mind!_

" _The Resistance will not be intimidated by you." Poe snaps at his masked self who only leans closer. "Where…is it?"_

 _Poe can't take it any longer, screams and_ Ben's knees buckle under him as he grabs his head in agony, the screams from the memories and visions still echoing in his mind.

_Make it stop! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!_

"I'm sorry I for torturing you, Poe!" Ben yells out loud, hoping that it will make some of his guilt go away.

There is a deadly silence in the base and all the rebels stare at him.

_The memories have finally stopped. I can't stay here...I need to get out of here!_

"What are you talking about..torture...how do you know my name?" Poe looks from him to BB-8, who chirps questionly.

"Umm...nothing...sorry...just a game..." Ben starts to back away.

_I can't be here! Too many memories, visions!_

"Ben, where are you going?" His mother calls worried and his father grabs him from the ground. "Don't go anywhere on your own. You are sick. Leia?" He turns to his mother.

"Please go with him." His mother nods.

"No, I need to be alone!" Ben yells and tries to escape from his father's grasp.

"Kid, what's wrong? Why are you acting like this?" His father asks.

"Can't sleep...endless nightmares!"

_And now they have started when I'm awake too!_

"I'm sorry to hear that. There must be something we can do to help you..." He turns to his mother.

"No, I just want to be left alone!"

_I don't deserve your care!_

"Ben, I'm only trying to help..."

"Stop it!"

_Please just leave me alone...you never had trouble with it before! I can't even look you in the eye...how can I ever...?_

"Ah, you were a prisoner in the Star Killer base...You must have heard about me then. Were they maybe training you to be a stormtrooper like Finn here? Is that why you know each other?" Poe turns to Finn who shakes his head.

_No help from him as expected...not that I care...anymore..._

"What then?" One of the rebels asks.

"Why did Snoke kidnap this poor kid?"

"I was an apprentice of Kylo Ben! I mean Ren!" Ben yells before he has a chance to stop himself.

His audience gasps and suddenly they withdraw from as they see him as something that is more than just cute.

_Oops..._

* * *

After the revelation the rebels all huddle together while Rey, Chewie and Finn look panic-stricken. Threepio looks even more lost than before.

_I shouldn't have said that...now they won't stop asking questions...I can never get away now...but I need to escape from here!_

"Ben, we told you not to..." His mother says crestfallen as all of her plans of keeping him out of their dangerous rebellion planning, disappears into thin space. His father puts him back on the floor and runs a hand frustrated over his face.

_I ruined everything...didn't I...?_

The rebels all turn to his mother, many with a furious glare other look frightened out of their minds.

_If they only knew I wasn't just an apprentice..._

"Why didn't you tell us straight away he was Kylo Ren's apprentice?"

"He must have some information we can use." The red famous fishy guy...ah Ben at last remembers his name, admiral Ackbar says.  
"He hadn't started a formal training, so none of his information is of any value. He just a child. We can't involve him in anything dangerous. " His mother answers with ease, with not the slightest hint of that she is lying big time to them and the rebels starts murmuring against themselves.

"Can we really trust him?"

"Isn't he a dark side user?"

"There is no dark side in him." His father answer with confidence.

_Liar...if you only knew...the truth..._

The rebels don't look convinced either.

"Are you sure?"

"He talked about torture..."

"He hit Finn..though that was mostly funny..." Poe grins.

"POE!" Finn yells outraged at him.

Poe just shrugs. "Come on, it was..."

The other rebels talk amongst themselves.

"I didn't know Snoke also kidnapped children to train them in the dark side...that's so sick."

"Snoke is a sick man."

_Snoke...stop saying Snoke..._

They turn their attention to Ben and bombard him with questions.

"Did you ever meet Snoke?"

"Do you know about his plans?"

"Do you know what he is?"

"Where he is?

"Stop talking about him!" Ben yells still physically ill, the earliest dream to vivid in his memory.

" _I torture you into insanity...I will kill your whole family."_

"He's mean! I hate him!" Ben steps down his feet.

_He's the one torturing me! That must be it! There is no other explanation! Who else could do it?_

"Please...he has been through so much." His mother pleads on his behalf. "Can't you see that he's in great pain?"

"Fair enough. We just have few important questions and then he can go, like where is Kylo Ren now?"

"He died on the Star Killer base," Ben quickly answers that question, remembering what his parents had talked about.

"Died? How?" A bearded man in jacket with a sign, Ben thinks is the sign for the rebels, asks them.

Ben doesn't know how to answer him, isn't it a enough that the whole planet blew up? However, he doesn't have to as Rey comes to his rescue.

"I killed him."

The audience gasps.

"In a lightsaber duel. I did it to save Ben." Rey lifts up Luke's lightsaber, like she is afraid that otherwise they wouldn't believe her it was a real duel, which it of course it wasn't...

_A lightsaber duel! Damn! I missed that opportunity...wait would that mean that I would've had to kill my dad or something?!...I like this outcome way way way better..._

_Suddenly this mind takes him into the snowy woods again, this time he's in a hard duel with Rey where they fight on the edge of a massive brand new cliff as a colossal chunk of the forest just dropped behind her._

"You need a teacher! I can show you the way of the Force...!" Ben speaks out loud what his past-future self is saying.

_What am I saying...I don't make any sense...how can I teach anyone anything?_

"I mean you should get uncle Luke to be your teacher..." Ben quickly corrects himself.

"Uncle?" The rebels looks surprised by that information.

_Argh...I can't shut up...can I? But wait...what if it was uncle Luke's fault that I turned to the darkside? Nah, that can't be, must be this Snoke guy..._

"Okay...I will try that..." Rey says surprised over that suggestion, but mostly because Ben had already told her to do that.

" _The Force?" Rey in the vision closes her eyes for a long while and when she opens them, she single handed swipes his unmasked self spitting saber with incredible force._

_His masked self falls back as she keeps hitting him harder and harder making him fall back. His unmasked self gets up, but she hits his saber hilt and his blade goes flying off, tumbling into the snow, but Rey slashes again, again and hits his masked self square in the head and chest. He goes down, a fearful man with a large burn scar slashed across his face._

_Sheesh...I sure can't mess with Rey..._

_As his masked self lies mortally wounded on the ground, Rey only has to take one strike to kill him, but before she can, the earth shakes and the ground splits open, separating them from each other..._

Ben staggers, he feels he's about to throw up. He meets Rey's worried gaze and backs away in fright which makes Rey even more worried.

_She could've killed me...for real..._

"Ben...are you okay?" His mother asks.

_No! I just experienced my near death! Was I supposed to die there...? Was it supposed to end there?_

"Here is the proof of Kylo Ren's death." His father hands over his old lightsaber. "This should be enough. Now let him go."

Even though Ben is extremely confused about everything he knows about himself, after having his mind drifting repeatedly between, present, past and future, one thing is still clear in his mind.

_What! No! Don't give my saber to the rebels! I just lost my saber in the vision! I'm not losing it here as well!_

* * *

"No, it's mine!" Ben jumps and tries to get his lightsaber from his father who lifts it high into the air. "Give it to me!"

"His?" The general or admiral like rebel asks with raised brows.

"I guess you could say he's Kylo Ren's sole heir." His father answers with a barely concealed mirth despite the seriousness of it all.

"No, darkside?"

"He just thinks lightsabers are cool. He hadn't really started his formal training. No, you are not getting it." His mother says firmly.

"But it's mine! Please...!" Ben reaches for the saber with his little hand.

"NO and that's final. Do you want a timeout?" His father warns him.

"No..." Ben crosses his arms and pouts.

_That's a stupid question, no one wants a timeout...and it's a toddler's punishment!_

His father hands the saber over to the general-like guy and inspects Ben worriedly. "You look like you're feeling better, with all that jumping around. Are you really better now?"

"I'm fine." Ben lies through his teeth.

_As fine as someone who has no idea who he is anymore..._

"Are you really okay?" His mother asks and feels his forehead. "You're still warm."

"Just get his over with!" Ben snarls, but yelps in fright when his father picks him up and moves him over to the nearest corner.

"That's no way to talk to your mother, young man! "

"I'm sorry! Please don't put me into a timeout!" Ben cries in desperation like the corner could hurt him in any way.

His father stops dangerously close to one and puts him down. "Okay, you got one last chance. Behave...or else..." He frowns at him and points at the spot where he would else be occupying too much of his precious time. His mother nods in agreement with that babyish punishment.

Ben just nods fervently to get his parents off his back, when in reality he is seething inside. He hates being there. Hates these feelings, but especially these visions and memories that seem to pop out of nowhere with no warning and get him into trouble.

He notices the look of everyone. Finn seems to be enjoying himself tremendously, Chewie looks at him sternly while Rey looks sad.

"So familiar..." Threepio mutters bewildered.

The rebels seem satisfied that Kylo Ren's apprentice is being handled so well by their general and husband.

Ben just wants to die of shame after being publicly humiliated like that, not just by Chewie but now also his parents.

_Why can't I just go back to ship on my own? Do they really think I will try to fly away? I'm still so tired...yet I'm afraid of going to sleep...the nightmares have even followed me all the way here..._

"This is indeed Kylo Ren's lightsaber. Your story seems to be true. Well done." The general-like guy, who has no idea that Kylo Ren in question is just a few feet away and was dangerously close to being put in a timeout, puts the lightsaber on a shelf too high for Ben to reach...except with the force.

_Hey! I'm not leaving my saber here! I will try to get it back...when no one is looking..._

* * *

Despite the darkness that accompanies it, Ben doesn't want to get rid of his saber, the only thing left of his old self.

_I can make new memories for the sword, it can change its nature as well, it's not its fault that it was used for evil! And what if my memories and visions are connected to the saber? What if there is some connection? And those stupid rebels are probably just going to destroy it anyway!_

Ben isn't really sure why he feels such a strong attachment for the saber, he didn't miss his helmet at all and not even the Darth Vader one and as that one had looked like it had been greatly ruined in a fire and appeared to be to fall apart any minute, Ben wasn't that keen on getting that broken thing back. But that lightsaber is so cool! He had to hide though in a good place, as his parents didn't approve of that saber at all or any saber really and uncle Luke would without doubt that he would get a rid of a dark side saber...if he ever had the chance to meet him from a safe place...

 _Besides red is so cool...Can I even use my force powers anymore?"_ Ben closes his eyes and focus on moving the saber in a very slow motion.

_Awesome! And they are a bit stronger than I remembered..._

_A another memory of his unmasked self pops up, this time he is badly wounded after...Chewie...? Someone lies, half dead on the ground...that appears to be...Finn? He reaches out for the blue saber trapped in the snowy woods..._

Ben shakes his head.  _I can't have anything interrupt my concentration..._ He breathes deeply to calm himself down and tries again.

_Steady now..._

"An apprentice, eh? I didn't know Kylo Ren had an apprentice...Interesting. You must have some stories to tell." Poe says from behind him.

"I remember interrogating you!" Ben snaps, annoyed over the interference.

Once again, there is deadly silence in the base and everyone stares at him bewildered.

_Me and my big mouth!_

* * *

_Next chapter: Ben starts some real trouble in the Rebel base...(darkside!)_


	9. The lightsaber of destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a warning, this is a bit of a sad and brutal chapter (among other things, darkside, school bullying, corporal punishment of a child in the past...)... but the guaranteed family fluff will be in the next chapter!
> 
> Note to the rebels, never ever piss off a darkside user...especially not this one...no matter how adorable he is...
> 
> Han and Leia are still relearning to be parents and it's not an easy task to care of a former darkside child with PTSD while trying to save the galaxy at the same time...so of course they will make some BIG mistakes! Especially since they are struggling with how kind of parents, they were (not good one! not horrible either, they just made big mistakes because of darkside) and how kind of parents they want to be (the best there is!). So they are trying their hardest...but will that be enough...? We shall see...we shall see...(spoiler yes - but not until next chapter)

 

The silence in the rebel base is deafening. Everyone just stares at Ben in shock, even his parents have no idea what to say to fix this. They exchange shocked glances with Rey, Chewie and even Finn looks lost how to react.

_Oh no no no! I didn't just give away our biggest secret...? We are so screwed!_

Ben expects at any given minute to hear blasters being lifted up and aimed at him and fired without mercy.

_Even though I'm just kid now...it won't change the fact who I once was..._

He closes his eyes and can hear blaster shots as real as it's really happening.

_A vision? This is the future...the possible one...? Well...it was fun while it lasted..._

_I was meant to die at the Starkiller base anyway_... _the planet was exploding, no way I could've survived that! When I couldn't even walk anymore..._

Ben is prepared to die any minute, but then he hears a loud thud. He opens his eyes and sees how his mother had stepped protectively in front of him, facing him so her small back would take the blaster shots straight on if there were any.

"MOM!"

_Don't sacrifice yourself for me! I'm...I'm not worth it...I'm the only one who should die here...to pay for all my mistakes and what I intended to do..._

But none of this Ben can say for anyone to hear, he plans on telling her that by pushing her out of the way, but then she grasps his shoulders in a firm grip and looks fiercely in his eyes, like she saying I'm never leaving you, making it impossible for his small hands to move her.

_Mom..._

His father steps in front of his wife and son and that sight makes Ben feel even worse.

_No...he was meant to die at another time...in another world..not this one! I don't want either of them to die!_

Ben is about to shout at them both to abandon him and save their lives, but his mother covers his mouth, before he get's even one word out.

Instead, she speaks to the rebels who still haven't reacted in any way.

"What he meant was..." His mother was probably ready with some elaborate lie as usual, but was stopped before she can even begin by the admiral like rebel who asks in disbelief: "A kid was used to interrogate?"

It takes a while for Ben's heart rate to go back to normal. The family who had just been ready to die for each other, look at one another in a shocked surprise. Rey, Finn and Chewie are equally surprised.

_That's what they picked up on?! None of them even picked up on our panic? Thank the maker that they rebels are really stupid! Though that's not very good for the future of the rebellion...! Hang on...Poe should be the only one who knows I was the only one interrogating him...so it's should be only him that should've any clue what I was referring to...I have to fix that..._

_Why else was there a vision with blaster shoots? We are not out of danger...yet..._

* * *

"Yes..." his mother answers and Ben can hear how her heartbeat also slows down. "That's exactly what he meant..."

Ben can imagine that she is both happy and annoyed how stupid her rebels are.

"What's the First Order thinking?" One of the rebels says with a great disdain.

"Not much..." Another rebel answers.

"Not that comes to us as any surprise...it's not exactly wise to drain suns out for a weapon...no matter how powerful." Yet another rebel says.

"And now that super weapon is no more." Admiral Ackbar shakes his head tiredly as if he had done all the work of destroying it. "Thank the force."

"But I don't remember you interrogating me..." says Poe and stares at Ben. "Nope, you certainly don't look like the one who did that, you're much cuter." He blinks him teasingly.

_Hah! If you only knew..but I don't want you to ever find out! But how can I explain this...without giving anything away...?_

The rebels look puzzled at Ben.

"But if he didn't...then why did he say that?" One of the rebels asks stunned.

"What was the point?" Admiral Ackbar asks annoyed. He probably wanted to keep thinking the First Order were stupid and mean enough to use a child for interrogations.

"I...didn't really interrogate anyone...it was just a joke...a bad one...sorry." Ben forces a laughter and Poe starts to laugh as well.

"Oh, I see! Haha! Okay, nice one kid, yeah, I think I would've remembered if something as small and adorable as you were involved in that painful...even though I was very drowsy! No, they only one who interrogated me, that is invaded my mind, the others just beat me up...was your mentor Kylo Ben...I mean Ren..." Poe stares him down. "Ben..Ren? Sorry for the torture...? Dangerous kid..." Poe turns to Finn, the one with the answers.

_Oh,o, did I go too far?! Finn you better not tell him anything or I swear I will get my real saber and hit you with it!_

"Like I said was only joking...hahahaha...I have a very dark...and bad humor..." Ben chuckles with a mock evil laughter, that makes Poe instantly turn from Finn, with a shocked expression.

_Did he buy it? Please tell me did..._

"Ben, that wasn't nice," his mother scolds him convincingly.

"Sorry...mom..."

All the rebels except unfortunately Poe, who still looks confused, seem satisfied with that answer.

"I guess he gets that bad taste from his mentor." One of the rebels shrugs.

"Yeah, it wouldn't come as such a surprise that he still has some darkness left." Another rebel says.

"Well, from now you have to break those bad habits." The admiral-like guy says sternly and shakes a finger at him. "There is absolutely nothing funny about torture, young man."

_Yes, I know...try living in my head..._

"Of course..." Ben nods his head solemnly and looks into Rey's eyes briefly and apologizes to her again, for what he did to her. She smiles sadly at him, as if she knows exactly what his look means.

"We will make sure he does." His father grabs his shoulders and squeezes them in a reassurance, like he is saying, you're doing great kid...fixing the mess you got us in...

"That's a relief." Admiral Ackbar says.

Soon Poe is the only of the rebels who does not buy his pathetic lie at all and before Ben can stop it, he looks questioningly at Finn, who nods grimly and mouths:  _I saw him change myself,_ making Poe's eyes go wide as he turns to Ben.

His face says it all.  _Nooo waaay!_

Gratefully none of the other rebels seem to notice his shock...for now...

* * *

Ben is rocked. It's just a matter of time before the blaster vision comes true now...

_OH NO! Finn the traitor! Why youuuuu! Why can't he just mind his own business?! Does he have any idea how it feels to have two minds inside of you, the other one feels alien and you want to reject above all and yet you live with the consequences of the world it created? I even have to experience things I didn't do! Well will I show you! I will get my saber back and...!_

His mind throws him once again into a snowy woods.

" _We're not done yet." His unmasked self snarls at Finn and Rey._

" _You're a monster!" Rey yells at him._

" _It's just us now. Han Solo can't save you."_

_Rey aims her blaster, but his unmasked self raises a hand, using his forcepower so she can't fire. Hower, he appears to be struggling as well because of the wound Chewie inflicted._

_His masked self gestures powerfully making Rey's blaster fly out of her hand and he uses another gesture to fling her away and slam her into a tree thirty feet away. Rey drops and lands hard, dazed and hurt in the snow._

_Finn yells her name repeatedly in desperation, but when he hears the unique hum of his unmasked self saber he turns to him._

" _Traitor!" His unmasked self yells in furious anger._

_Finn's only reply to that accusation is to turn on Luke's lightsaber and when his unmasked self sees the saber he reacts in shock._

" _That lightsaber. It belongs to me!"_

" _Come get it." Finn challenges him and they battle fiercely until he slices Finn up, leaving him mortally wounded in the snow..._

_Another vision...this never happened...how can I make them stop? Please make them stop! Make them STOOOP!_

He clutches his head and breathes heavily.

"Ben, do you want a painkiller?" His mother asks.

_I would prefer a vision killer!_

"Do you want to lie down?" His father asks.

_No, I can't sleep...I can't rest...I can't think...!_

Ben just shakes his head.

"Let us know if you want anything." His mother says.

Ben just nods.

_There is nothing you can do for me...except leaving me alone...I've to figure this one out..._

Poe stares at Ben, like he's seeing him for the first time. Ben is surprised that Poe hasn't yelled the truth over the base, but figures that it still hasn't sunk in and it's just a matter of time before he will and then they will all be in deep trouble!

His parent's haven't realized the danger yet. They have no idea that idiot Finn just gave their secret away to Poe.

 _And I can't let them know of it as that will put us all in danger..._   _I won't let anything happen to my family. I need to protect them..._

Ben finds that the only way to stop the memories and visions from appearing is to center himself in the force. Which mean by calming himself down, but he can't calm himself down, as he has a mission to fulfill...

_I have to get my saber back. I won't let them destroy it...I won't let them take me without a fight!_

"I...I have to get some air..." Poe suddenly says and walks away, looking physically ill.

"I will come with you," says Finn and runs after him.

BB-8 rolls after his owner as well, while chirping worried, but the little droid seems clueless over what made his owner so sick.

_Finn is going to explain everything to him, isn't he?! That...that traitooor!_

Ben really wants to run after Finn and beat him bloody, but as he knows that would only make everything worse, he stays put and proceeds with his earlier planning.

"Poe, are you alright?" His mother asks, who has no clue whatsoever that Poe knows the truth.

 _None of the rebels think there is anything odd about Finn joining_ _him to get some air_... _are they used to them hanging out so much?_

"I just have a headache...because of the stuffy air." Poe stops and glares at Ben like it's his fault that the air is stagnant.

Ben glares back at Poe and at Finn, whom had also stopped to frown hatefully at him, while BB-8 looks surprised at the animosity between them all.

_This isn't over...you two have not won...yet...and will neveeer!_

"Okay, we will take a fifteen minute break, how does that sound?" His mother says, as clueless as before of the silent war going between the two men and her child.

_Breaaak? Isn't that kriffing meeting still over? Is it kriffing endless?!_

Poe just nods and BB-8 and Finn trails behind him, but Finn of course, not before shooting more daggers at Ben.

_I really would get all that hate, if what I saw in the vision had come true, of me, slicing him up...then I would understand it...perhaps Finn sees visions too? That could explain many things...but somehow I just think he's a major prick..._

It's just a matter of time before Poe and Finn return and tell everyone that their mortal enemy is not dead and in fact is alive and just "hiding" inside an innocent child. And the worst part is that their general knows about it and is willing to risk the rebellion for her son who turned dark.

_The rebels will definitely not look kindly on that betrayal..._

Ben gasps when he hears the blaster shots again in his head.  _This is a vision...this is something that will happen, not something that could but will! I knew it! I..I..have to stop it! Before it's too late!_

He glances at the shelf where they keep his saber and back to his parents that look very worried about him, even though they have no idea of how soon everything can fall apart again...

_To make matters even worse, I can't get my saber without getting into big trouble! Because my parents have no idea of the danger that looms over us! Meaning that I will just have to wait for the foolish rebels to scatter of somewhere to go on a break and then get it...with the force..._

* * *

To Ben's great annoyance, the rebels do not leave him at all during their break. No, all their attention is on the interesting apprentice. Their eyes seem to brim with questions, hopefully useful to the rebellion while others seem to think he's too cute and don't want to miss a single minute of what he's doing, like he's only a small animal doing tricks and some even look at him sympathetically for having constant headaches.

Chewie still watches his every move and Threepio looks like he's not sure why he's staying and perhaps waiting for instructions what to do in his break as Artoo and BB-8, his best buds are not available to talk with and even Chewie doesn't look to be in a talkable mood.

Ben hadn't even expected his parents to stay behind, the biggest obstacle in his plan of the mission "get saber back before the rebels kill us all" and now they, along with Rey, fuss over him and look at him like he's as breakable as a glass.

_Really...I'm not that fragile..._

"Are you sure you don't want a painkiller?" His father asks.

"Bring him some water." His mother says to his father, but then Rey says:"I will get it." She runs away with a ridiculous fast speed and returns back with a cup of water.

"Here." Rey hands the cup to Ben, who backs subconsciously away and hides behind his father's back, like she is about to hurt him in any way, remembering too vividly how she tried to kill him in the future what-if vision.

Rey just stares at him in great confusion.

"Ben, that's not nice." His father takes the cup away from her and hands it to his son.

"Thank you Rey." His mother thanks her instead of him. "Here, take this too." She puts a little tablet in his palm. "It should help you feel better."

_None of you have any idea of the danger! Poe will be back here any minute and then you kiss this sweet peace goodbyeee!_

Thanks to the rebels staying, he can't warn his parents out loud what's going to happen and if they try to go somewhere private it might be too late.

Ben frantically tries to contact his mother through the forcelink, but thanks to his headache he can't use the it. Annoyed, he pops the painkiller in his mouth and swallows it with the water Rey brought him, yet he knows that the effect will not be immediate yet, or maybe not at all, since this no ordinary headache and even if it did work, it might be too late...for them all.

_We have to be prepared for that time...which means I have to get my saber to protect us! I will just have to be extra, extra careful in using the force, without mom finding out..._

_I will not use my hands and since mom knows I have a terrible headache, she won't find it too odd that I have my eyes closed in concentration...yeah, that will work and then I will let saber float behind me...with none the wiser until the time comes that I've to use it...there is no darkside thinking in that...just self perseverance...this should work...it has too!_

Ben shuts his eyes and pictures where his saber lies on top of the shelf. He can tell how the force grasps it.

_Steady now...don't make the slightest sound..._

"What was your name before?" An annoying rebel suddenly asks, interrupting his focus.

_Couldn't they just...keep on watching me...do they also have to ask questions...?! Can't he see that I'm in great pain?! And can't they just ask my parents instead? I'm sure they can make up some lies. But what kind of question is that...?!_

"I have always been Ben," he answers as calmly as possible despite his inner turmoil.

_I don't even know who I am any more...one time...I seem to have been called Kylo Ren...I really have to get my saber back before that idiot Finn returns with Poe...!_

_Careful now..._

"Your surname I mean." The annoying rebel keeps pestering him.

"Ben...Ren..." It sounds lame even to his own ears. "It was my darkside name..."

_Can't you just leave me alone?!_

Ben hopes that will answer any question that irritating rebel has and he continues to move his sword in an excruciatingly slow manner.

_Hah! If only uncle Luke could see how patience I am...he would never believe it!_

"Ben, are you really trying to use the force to get the saber?" His mother asks sternly, startling Ben, who opens up his eyes, which widen in horror and give everything away.

_What! How could she tell?_

"Yes..." He mutters shamefully.

_Damn busted..._

The saber falls back on the shelf.

"Well, don't."

"Sorry...mom..."

His father shakes his head and snaps at him: "Ben, stop being so naughty! You don't want a timeout..do you?!"

 _"Put him in a timeout now!"_  Chewie growls.

"That's not for you to decide...well, Ben...do you want one?" His father frowns at him.

Ben ears burn under the unfair scolding and he mutters: "No...dad..."

_Of course not!_

"Behave then."

"Yes, dad."

"Ben, you know better. Stop acting like a naughty child." Even Rey has started scolding him.

"Yes...mam.." Ben feels so ashamed that he wants to die...but not literally! Otherwise, he wouldn't be putting himself through all this.

_Naughty?! I kriffing trying to save you all! You haven't even realized the danger yet! No, I can't give up now. I was so close...I can try another way, the hardest there is!_

Ben tries to move the saber with his eyes open, a much more difficult feat, that will take a much longer time as he can't call as easily to the force nor control it as well. The only good thing is that it won't be as obvious in the force so his mom should not find out this time...

* * *

"No, what was your family name before your training?" The most annoying rebel in the whole galaxy keeps asking him like nothing had interrupted his questioning.

_Why...the do you care? Maybe I don't even know what it was! Have you asked what family names Rey and Finn have? I sure don't know their names.._

"Ben Skywalker." Ben lies, but he doesn't think it's a complete lie since it his mother's real family name.

"Skywalker? Are you related to Luke Skywalker?"

"Yes."

"Are you maybe his son?"

Ben stiffens, he doesn't like where this conversation is going and it's even harder to focus on moving the saber. He looks to his mother for help.

"Yes, but as Jedi can't have any attachment, we adopted him." His mother skillfully lies.

Ben is getting an even worse headache, trying to keep a track of all the lies and after all the visions and memories popping up.

_Damn! My concentration broke again! I will have to use more power...but I can't, not with them watching my every move..._

"I had no idea master Luke had a son...he never told me..." Threepio says hurt.

"He was kidnapped at a birth by Snoke...to be turned to the darkside..." His mother answers, like that could explain all of Luke's secrecy.

"That's horrible! Poor master Luke!" Threepio looks at Ben with sympathy. "I hope we find your father one day."

Ben doesn't answer and backs to his real father, who grabs his shoulder in support.

"Poor kid..," says one of the rebels, not the annoying but the one with their bun-hairstyle.

"Does that mean you have been with Snoke the entire time?" The annoying rebel asks.

"When did you start to train with Kylo Ren?" The general like rebel asks.

"Have you ever met him?" Admiral Ackbar asks.

_I really don't want to talk about any of this...can't you just leave so I can get my saber back?!_

Ben is interrupted by a loud beeping in the background, a beeping he knows very well.

_No way...is that...?_

"Speaking of master Luke. Artoo has finally woken up and says he has the rest of the map! Just like the young sir said!" Threepio exclaims in delight.

"Luke!" His mother yells happily and hugs his father. "Han, we finally found it!"

"I guess you could say we keep getting good news today." His father smiles.

_The map! HAH! I knew I was right! Finally, I can fix some things! I can make mom happy again! But why on Jakku did he only first wake up now?_

Artoo rolls over to them.

_I need to get my saber at another time...but as soon as possible...I have to berate that stupid droid first!_

* * *

"Why didn't you wake up earlier? You got me into a load of trouble." Ben snaps annoyed at Artoo who beeps wildly in response, in what sounds like a chuckle.

Threepio leans over Artoo and straightens back up. "Sir...he says you deserved to be swatted."

"What! Why you...!" Ben is going to kick Artoo but is stopped when his father grabs him and pulls him away from him.

"Ben...let it go..." His father says sternly. "You don't want to get Chewie mad again."

Ben gulps when he sees how Chewie folds his arms while glaring at him.

"No, of course not..." Ben mutters when his father puts him down on the floor again, far from both Artoo and Chewie.

Threepio shakes his head and scolds his old friend who beeps in response. "Artoo, that wasn't a nice thing to say. Do I know who he is...? Yes, of course...I don't know...?! What are you talking about you blabbering noom coop? Please clarify..." Threepio hits Artoo despite him not liking Ben doing it earlier and in fact he had been punished for it by Chewie.

_So unfair...wait...what?! Artoo knows who I am...? How in the...?!_

Threepio looks shocked between Artoo and Ben. "That's impossible, you rusted..." He hits Artoo again.

_O...oh...now Threepio knows the truth too...He won't be able to keep his mouth shut! Which reminds me Poe still hasn't returned...weird but...hopefully something kept him longer than intended...I hope he fainted from the shock! But why hasn't Finn returned either?!_

"That's enough, Threepio. Let's see the rest of the map, Artoo." His mother says at the same time that Poe walks in with Finn and BB-8.

_What, no! Not now! I have to get my saber asap!_

* * *

"What's going on?" Poe asks and looks oddly composed for someone who had just heard an earth breaking truth.

Finn folds his arms and smiles victoriously and even BB-8 has started glaring at Ben.

_Terrific...even the little droid hates me now.._

"Artoo had the rest of the map! Just like he said." Threepio points happily at Ben, who wishes to disappear through the floor so he doesn't have to bear all that hate from the "now we know the secret" trio. "Isn't it wonderful?!"

_Threepio clearly doesn't believe Artoo about who I really am or he would be more shocked...that's some relief...but BB-8 could tell him any minute now!_

"Hmm..." Poe stares at Ben and if Ben didn't know any better he would think Poe were trying to invade his mind, like he had done to him.

For whatever reason Ben mind jumps back into his dark past as if he can't hide it any longer from Poe.

" _Careful, Ren. That your "personal interests" not interfere with orders from Leader Snoke." General Hux's voice says, followed with his masked self voice. "I want that map. For your sake, I suggest you get it."_

" _You've seen it. You've seen the map."_

" _Where is...it?"_

"I don't want to see the map!" Ben turns away from the viewer and closes his eyes in panic.

"Why not, son?" His mother asks gently likes he's only afraid of it, but not that he's the one behind there having to be a map in the first place.

She turns off the viewer, making it safe for him to turn around, but Ben gets shocked to his core as horrible idea comes into his mind.

_What if...this was all Kylo Ren's ploy to get his map! That, he found out that he was supposed to die at the Star Killer base and that's why this change happened...?! To survive to this day and get the map to kill uncle? I can't let that happen!_

"I eh...wasn't uncle...eh Luke in hiding...because of me?" Ben answers in a small voice.

_I can't let Kylo Ren get the map...it would put uncle in danger...again...we are all in danger now!_

The blaster shots get louder in his head as the rebels start to murmur among themselves.

"Why should the great Jedi master be in hiding because of a child...his own child?"

"The only one he was hiding from was your mentor, who slaughtered the new generation of Jedi."

"The poor kid has started to confuse himself with his old mentor."

"I wonder what kind of a torture he must have gone through, I have heard awful stories about the darkside."

_This is pure torture!_

"The First Order must have brainwashed him."

"I wonder if he is still dangerous."

"We must be careful."

_Stop talking about me like I'm not here!_

In furious anger Ben turns around and looks directly at Poe, challenging him. "He went into hiding because of me."

_You are the ones who don't know anything! Stupid rebels! Except Poe he knows...now..._

Poe looks stunned over how Ben decided to reveal everything himself. BB-8 tilts his head in confusion and chirps something that shocks Threepio but he doesn't say anything and just stares at Ben.

However, as the other rebels don't seem to grasp the meaning of the words Ben just said, his mother uses the opportunity to do some damage control and plant more seeds of lies in their minds. "Of course not sweetie...Luke was trying to find a way to help you." His mother sugarcoats his voice, like he's a much smaller child.

"Help me? How?" Ben snaps, as the mere idea sounds ludicrous.

_He was running away from me, wasn't he? After he failed me..._

_His mind takes him into a rainy bloody battlefield, his masked self has six knights standing behind him._

_No, no, stoooooop!_

"He was trying to help you get away from the First Order." His mother continues with her lie or does she really believe that?

_I want to get away from here!_

"You really need to see him again. He can help you." His mother says matter-of-factly.

_What...?_

* * *

It takes a while for Ben's tired and hurt brain to register what his mother just said.

"You are going to send me away...?" Ben finally asks in a hollow voice.

_Again...after everything you've said at the slightest opportunity, you...you get rid of me?!_

"You really need his help." His mother says as gently as possible, like breaking the news that way would make them any better.

Ben eyes are dangerously close to welling up with tears.

_No, don't send me away! I don't want to leave...not like this...not so soon! We are just repeating everything! Nothing has changed!_

"I betrayed him...he won't be happy to see me..." Ben says in a cold voice.

_Understatement of the year..._

The other rebels look very confused with that information while Poe watches Ben carefully, as if he's seeing a new side of him he didn't exept. Not that it makes Ben feel any better that Poe doesn't look to be intent on giving his secret away...yet...

Other things occupy his mind and make him feel cold to the bone. He feels like everything is lost, that everything was for nothing...if he can't convince his parents that this is a very bad idea...

"You did not betray him, you were in circumstances, you couldn't control," His father says sternly, like Ben had killed all the pupils by an accident...though Ben doesn't even remember how it did happen...and doesn't want to...

_I can't control any of this! And what if I change back into Kylo Ren the minute I see him...and try to kill him? You're not only going to show me the map, but also ship me to him! Don't you realize how dangerous that can be?!_

Ben bites down on his lip and tries to relay his distress."I can't go..."

_Please don't, I can't...not now...not like this..._

Rey notices his distress and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Ben...you really should go. It will help you." Rey says as gently as possible, as if she was asking him to take a painkiller but not return to a place where everything turned to darkness. His darkness...

"You still want to kill me..." Ben drawls at her and Rey withdraws her hand from his shoulder, like he had burned her.

"Wha...!?" Rey is rocked. "Of course not, how can you say things like that?"

_If you only knew how close you were to doing it..._

"Ben, why did you say things like that?" His mother scolds him.

"He can help you control your darkside..." His father pleads with him.

 _"I guess it could help..."_  growls Chewie.

"I DON'T WANT TO GO!" Ben yells in anger, startling both his parents, Rey, Chewie and well everyone else.

_I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVEEE!_

Poe watches him closely.

"It's a good riddance of Kylo Ren. Now only the rest of the knights of Ren remain and Snoke..." The annoying rebel says as if he can't see Ben's emotional outburst.

"STOP SAYING SNOKE!" Ben shouts at him, but it doesn't shut him up.

"The supreme leader then..." The annoying rebel doesn't get any further as Ben raises a hand up and force chokes him.

* * *

The rebel gasps for air.

"BEN!" His father shouts at him.

"What are you doing?! His mother yells.

 _Stop this now!_  Chewie growls.

"Ben STOOP!" Rey cries at him.

Ben is too far gone to hear anything of his parents, Chewie or Rey's desperate screams. He flings the rebel into the wall before he raises his other hand and flings all the blasters from the shelves along with his saber, making them dance majestically in the air, except these weapons are made to kill.

"Ben, stop this now!" yells his mother.

"What the...?" says the annoying rebel that has recovered somewhat from being chocked and flung into a wall, as the blasters start to fire in all directions and people run for cover.

In a nick of time, his mother and Rey manage to protect everyone with a force shield.

Ben gestures powerfully, his saber ignites and flies towards the rebels, but Rey stops it viciously with one swipe of her ignited saber.

_Rey..._

As soon as their lightsabers meet, as red clashes with blue, Ben is back in the vision of the future and he sees in Rey's shocked eyes that she is witnessing the same things, where she is slashing at him viciously making him fall back into the snow, leaving him to die...on the exploding planet...

Ben falls back in reality, his saber turns off and falls to the ground along the blaster, that all land into one big pile with a terrible noise.

The noise wakes him rudely up from his trance, but it takes a small while for his mind to take in everything that had happened and when it does, he covers his mouth in shock.

_Oh, no! What have I...done..?! I'm so deaaad!_

* * *

All the rebels, along with his family and Rey stare at him in shock, whereas Rey also still recovering from what she saw in the vision.

"What happened?" Someone murmurs.

Ben is still paralyzed with fear.

_I have too much power...fear and anger leads to the darkside. The visions..._

Ben glances at the blaster pile and gasps when he at last understands what the blaster vision was all about.

_The vision with the blasters...it was all my doing...what I was trying to prevent...was something that was my fault...all along..! No, it can't be! Am I really doomed to fall again...? After all my work to prevent it...?! That's so not fair! I was only trying to save everyone...how...how did it end up like this?_

Ben's looks at his hands like they are not his own anymore. His bare hands feel like they have black gloves on them.

_I could've killed the whole rebellion with a single move, if mom and Rey hadn't managed to protect everyone. What if...this was all Snoke's ploy? What if he changed me into an innocent child so I could more easily infiltrate the base and...kill everyone...?! Then..I'm truly...am a monster...in disguise...!_

Ben covers his mouth as if he's about to throw up.

"BEN! Did you use the force to get this?" His father picks up the saber from the weapons pile.

"No..." Ben backs away from his anger.

_No...I'm just a kid...just a kid...that royally screwed up...right? Nothing more...this wasn't some grand plan...just a terrible screwup..._

"Don't lie to me young man."

"Sorry...yes..."

_It wasn't the only thing I did..._

"You could have killed someone..." His mother says those words like she can't believe themselves, as if she had forgotten how truly dangerous he was.

_Killed..._

" _You're a monster!" Rey shouts from the future vision after he had killed his own father..._

_Ben's minds sees as he stabs through Lor San Tekka and next where he kills his own father..._

_"Kill them all," his masked self says to the platinum storm trooper who gives the command to execute all the villagers._

_No, no, not again! I'm a monster! I will always be a monster!_

Ben grabs his head in panic.

_NOOO!_

All the rebels stare at him terrified or hateful, or both, not a single one of them thinks he's just cute any longer.

"It was just like lord Vader!"

"No like Kylo Ren!"

"NO formal training?" One of the rebels turns in disbelief to his mother.

"No, darkside?!" Another one exclaims.

"He's after all Vader's grandchild!" The most annoying rebel says like he knows it all.

_What..how do they know that...oh right...I'm supposed to be uncle...Luke's son..._

"I told you he was dangerous!" Finn yells.

Poe just nods, but doesn't say anything else. He looks deep in thought, like he's contemplating whether to tell the truth to the rest of the rebels or not.

_That will probably not even be necessary...I just shouted I'm Kylo Ren with my actions...or at least a real darkside user..._

"He's just a kid. A naughty one at that." His real father says and add. "You're in BIG trouble, mister." Like Ben didn't already know that.

But it still made him feel a little better than he wasn't being treated like a monster by his parents, but just a naughty kid...that tried to kill people...

"Ben, how could you?!" His mother looks at him with a disappointed frown, a one he is too familiar with. "We told you not to." She shakes her head sadly.

_I can't believe that I've caused them great pain...again...will I never change...?_

Ben mind takes him to a yet another memory, a painful one, but this time not one of Kylo Ren's, but to one of his one, when his darkside powers really had started to manifest themselves.

* * *

_It was at some school assembly, that Ben didn't really care for, but where all students were supposed to gather along with their parents. Unsurprisingly, his parent's were away, but as they had promised that they would come, just a bit later, Threepio was not with him. Ben did not believe it for a single second that his parents would show up as this wasn't the first time they had said something like that._

_As usual the fact that he was alone, had not escaped the other students notice and immediately as sure as a clockwork, they started to bully him._

" _Where are your parents?"_

" _Why are they never with you?"_

" _Don't you have parents?"_

" _No, this must just mean that they don't love you."_

" _That you're just a burden."_

" _Worthless."_

"" _Useless."_

" _A loser..."_

_This was the day that Ben simply couldn't ignore the whispers of darkness any longer, the voice that whispered that what the other kids were saying was all true. Before he knew what he was doing, he raised his hand, lifted one of the biggest bullies high into the air and started to forcechoke him._

_People started to panic and scream, because no one had a clue how to stop his darkside powers and no one even knew before this, that he had such great powers. Not even himself..._

_Some yelled at him to stop, others pleaded for the bully's life, but no one dared to come any closer to him but that was nothing new. Everyone had always kept their distance from him as they thought he was weird and a little frightening, but never before had anyone been so afraid of him._

" _Get his parents now!" One of the teacher yelled and another one ran like that would even be possible._

_Oh, they will never come. No one can stop me. This bully is a good as dead..._

_Ben had never felt as powerful in his short life._

_"Who's the loser now! Huh!"_

_The bully tried to gurgle something as he gasped for breath._

" _What was that? Can't you even speak properly! You stupid jerk!" Ben flung him into the wall so he dropped, with his nose bleeding to the floor._

_The bully was beyond frightened and backed all the away against the wall._

" _I'm sorry...please don't hurt me." The bully held his nose to stop it from bleeding._

" _Oh, you will be forgiven...as soon I as have had my fun with you...just like you have had with me..." Ben said menacingly while raising his hand for another forcechoke._

" _No, please!" The bully started crying and grabbed his neck when the force grabbed around it again._

_At last Ben had the power to do whatever he wanted to anyone..._

_I'm not powerless anymore..Now everything will change...!_

" _BEN!" His father furious shouting behind him startled him to his core and made him instantly let go of the bully._

" _What are you doing?!" yelled his mother._

_He couldn't believe his ears, why now of all places? Why did they not come sooner?! This could all have been avoided then!_

_He turned and met his parents stunned gazes in the doorway along with his panting teacher who had somehow managed to get a hold of them. His mother covered her mouth in shock while his father looked like he wanted to spit out nails._

_So typical! They only come when I make trouble!_

" _Why didn't you come sooner?!" Ben snapped at them, still not over the anger, despite his shock of their unsuspected appearance. "You are never there when I need you!"_

_The audience, who was still shell shocked over his darkside actions, looked between his parents and him, hoping for a normal explanation for all this._

_His father's only answer was to charge at him with the same speed as a rathar, stick him under his arm and spank him long and hard._

" _Owowowow! I'm so sorry!" Ben cried and did not think he was so powerful anymore._

_The audience had calmed somewhat when they remembered that Ben was not some unstoppable darkside monster, but just a ten year old that could easily be punished by his dad._

_The tortured bully even dared to laugh at his predicament and yelled at him:"Yeah, that will show you! I'm not afraid of you!"_

_His father finally let go of tearful Ben. "Apologize now."_

" _I'm sorry." Ben said with his head hung in shame._

_That you were so mean to me..._

" _You better." The bully sneered and did of course not apologize in any way for his cruel words._

" _We're leaving." His father turned to go._

_Neither his mother or he objected and of course none of the spectators did either. Ben always hated his school anyway..._

_Back home, his parents grounded him to his room, but Ben could hear every word they were saying through his thin bedroom wall as they yet again fought over what to do with him._

" _I told you there is too much Vader in him!" His father growled at his mother instead of addressing Ben's earlier actuations in any way, as apparently being like Vader was the only thing that mattered, but not how Ben was truly feeling, which was miserable and not just because of the punishment he had to endure._

_Why didn't they come sooner? Had the only come sooner...none of this would've happened...I could've even enjoyed that stupid school assembly! Why can't they see that! But what do they mean by too much Vader? Because I've done so much research about him...that I've become him...is that it? Is that even possible...? I only read about him...can reading about someone change you physically?_

" _I..." As his mother was still in shock, she took an unusual long time to answer. "I had no idea...it was this bad..."_

_That was a lie, his mother knew all about the darkness in him. He had often told her about the voice trying to seduce him to the darkside, but she always told him to resist and not worry about it. Though he knew she was worried, but he didn't know how worried and why and at that time he had no idea of his dark legacy, so his parent's words confused him greatly._

_His parents didn't give any more information about Vader, like they knew he was listening to everything and shortly after they contacted his uncle for some Jedi advice._

_I think I even left soon with uncle after this..._

* * *

The rebels are still in shock, they don't know whether to stay or leave and thus everyone is still staying and watching his parents' reaction with trepidation. The glaring duo, Chewie and Finn stare at him hatefully and kinda victoriously that they were right along that he was still evil, though at the same time they are not happy that he is that, while Rey is still shocked but mostly sad over what happened and what she saw. Poe still watches his every move like he's waiting for a sign whether or not to tell the others who he was...or is. Threepio is more confused than usual, BB-8 is similarly confused and a bit frightened. Only Artoo looks calm or maybe he just shut himself off again.

_Or perhaps he is recording this so he can send it to uncle Luke...your traitorous nephew finally gets his just dessert...?! I certainly hope not! But I guess..I would deserve that...among other things...I just want things to get back to normal again..._

_Wait, what if uncle Luke is behind my change, but not Snoke or Kylo Ren? But is he really that powerful in the force? No way, not uncle...or at least he never showed me any cool tricks...though it would be so like him to hide something so powerful from me! Argh...I'm never going to be able to answer what or who changed me...am I?  
_

One of the things Ben hates most is to wait for something, be it good or bad. Just plain waiting, because that makes his mind, imagine a lot of strange stuff.

_Can't they just get on with it? Everyone is waiting...not just me...though of course I don't want to be punished! At all...but I need it... I guess...for a closure...so I can believe I'm really just a kid...and we have to get everyone to believe again that I'm not a monster! This was an accident! It won't happen again! I promise...I didn't knew that blastervision was my doing! How was I supposed to know? I was only trying to save you all...when you suddenly talked about sending me away..._

_They are not going to send me away are they...because of this?!_ _But how else do you punish someone for trying to kill people...? Is that even possible...without execution, jail time or exile? Unless dad will just repeat what he did to me at the school assembly...timeout certainly won't cut it! And really won't they rebels just get a kick out of it, even if knew who I was, to see me being treated like a naughty child...? Especially Finn...wait I'm a...child! So confusing...but...it was all just an accident...I didn't really mean to kill anyone...right...?_

"Son...I don't know what to do with you anymore..." His father finally admits, he looks as stricken with grief as in that that horrible future what-if vision where Ben stabbed him with his saber. Lost, hopeless...

 _Everything is truly lost.._.

Ben's mind takes him straight to the vision where he killed him, his father touches his face loving like he's saying goodbye after everything he did. Ben can feel the warmth of his hand, as real as it is really happening.

He shakes his head fervently to get away from that nightmarish image and feeling and looks at his father...his alive father, who still looks stricken over what Ben did or tried to do to the rebels.

 _So this_ is...a _goodbye_... _after all?_   _NO! He's given up on me! I...I can't believe it! He's finally had enough...again...I guess I shouldn't have expected anything else..they were planning on sending me away again anyway...this was never meant to work..._

* * *

Ben is about to cry but is jolted rudely from his thoughts when Chewie walks quickly away and returns with something.

" _Use this."_ He growls at his father.

Ben's eyes go wide when he sees what Chewie just handed over to him.

_I knew I should've broken it! This is going to hurt...a lot...but I really deserve it...at least Chewie...hasn't given up on me...not everything is lost..._

His father looks from the ruler in his hand to Chewie. "Chewie..." He frowns at him.

"I'm afraid he's right Han...we've been too lenient...see where it got him...he can't end up like that...ever again..." His mother is on the verge of tears.

_Really, is not the end of the world to be swatted with a ruler...though it hurts...a lot...and it's the least I should get for trying to kill people! Again...can't you just treat me like a normal kid...? Despite what I did...? Please...get this over with...so we can return to normal...please..._

"Is there really no other way...?" His father asks dramatically like he's supposed to execute Ben with a blaster.

"I wish there was." His mother answer equally dramatically, which makes everything worse for Ben.

_I'm giving them so much pain...I've done nothing except bring them more pain! This was a mistake...I should just...leave so they don't have to worry about me any longer...and can go back to their normal life...yes, that would be for the best..._

"I really hate this...son, come here." His father steels himself, yet his hand shake.

_I'm giving him pain...by my mere existence...before this change, he didn't have to worry about me as I was already lost to the darkness...forever..._

"Now! Don't make it harder on yourself...or me...please son..." His father pleads.

_I'm just a bother now, an inconvenience and only make trouble for everyone..._

Ben feels like he is going to pass out. All that anger, disappointment, fear and pain is making his head spin. So he does what every other kid in his position would do, whether or not they have darkside powers. He runs for it.

"Ben, come back here!" His father shouts after him.

* * *

Ben doesn't dare to look back as he runs with no predetermined route. The only thing on his mind is to get away as far away from here as possible.

_I could stowaway on a ship. They wouldn't know I was gone, till after the ship had left. They won't miss an evil kid like me...I only bring danger to everyone..._

Ben has barely begun feeling sorry for himself when he hears his father shout angrily behind him:"BEN!"

He halts, it feel's like the time stands completely still as his mind goes to a different place and time. He's much taller, with a mask and stands still on the catwalk in the Star Killer base when his father shouts his name.

Ben shakes his head to wipe out that memory and starts running again.

_I never should've turned back there...I'm never turning back..._

"Ben, stop this nonsense! NOW!"

_This was all one mistake..._

Even though he is running as fast a little feet can carry him, strong arms grab him and pick him up with ease from the pavement.

"Let me go! Let me go!" Ben yells in desperation and hits his capturer with his small fists.

_Why am I so powerless! I can't do anything right! I can't protect anyone! Not even by running away!_

"Let's go somewhere we can talk." His father says firmly.

Ben just cries on his shoulders.

 _No one can help me...I'm doomed to fail anyway..._ "

* * *

_Next up: Despite Ben's fears, rest assured there will ONLY be father and son fluff in the next chapter...(he needs it desperately...and I thought I would "die" of sadness writing that chapter but it's all part of his healing - promise!)_


	10. Making things right again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part of the chapter before...the fluffy part (some serious family therapy) that was seriously missing in the darkside chapter (and not just Ben's darkside!)...I didn't feel well in my soul until I had posted it! After the "dark bitter sour expired coffee-like" chapter before (and I don't like coofee!) I really needed something sugary...
> 
> Everything will come to light here! No more sadness!
> 
> About "Dark-side" Chewie. Of course will we get our good old Chewie back, you will see the reasons for his awful behavior in the final chapter. Everyone has darkside, whether they are Jedi or not...

 

Ironically the pain killers have started to work, making his headache disappear just when Ben wants nothing more than to escape into his mind as he watches how his father paces furiously in front of him, without taking his eyes of him and his arms crossed menacingly behind his back. Ben is sitting in the exact spot aboard the Falcon, as when he got to know the truth about his dark past.

_Same place as where he told me the truth, where my memories started to resurface...has there really only been one night since? If only...I had never the known the truth...but I would really have been able to escape my fate?_

This time his father wastes no time in what he's about to say to Ben.

"What were you thinking? How could you do something like that?!" yells his father.

"I..."

His father lifts his hands up to stop him. "Let me finish. Where were you planning on going?"

Ben's heart sinks into his stomach.

_I knew it... he hates me now...mission trying to help me has been aborted...and now as he had no idea what to do with me...he wants my advice..._

"I was going to stowaway on a ship..."

His father gapes, shakes his head and says in a disbelieving voice: "Stowaway...? And what were you planning on doing next?"

_I know it's a horrible plan...I should have found some sure way to get the away from everything, this was just pure lazy..._

"I...don't know..." admits Ben.

"You don't know?" continues his father in a shocked voice.

_I don't know! Where does one go before he turns dark!_

"Yes...but you could just leave me on Jakku..." Ben doesn't get any further as his father reacts in furious anger and slaps him.

"Don't you dare say that!" yells his father at him like Ben had just said the worst thing in the whole world.

_Wha...since when is Jakku a swearword? No, dad would never slap me for swearing..._

"What...what did I say? If you hate Jakku so much, we can find another planet...but it should be okay to send me to me to a place you hate...I don't deserve anything better...

His father's nostrils flare, Ben doesn't remember having seen his father that angry in a long time. The last time was probably at the school assembly where everything changed for the worse...

_He probably can't even think of a worse place yet...but given some time..._

His father suddenly makes a grab for him.

_Or he can just send me away now...or worse! He plans on punishing me before sending me away, like being sent away forever isn't punishment enough! I can understand that...what I did was unforgivable...what I would've done to him is..._

However the only thing his father does is knocking the breath out of him...by hugging him close.

 _What the...does my father not know how to punish anymore? Hugging is not a punishment!_ Ben rubs his sore chin.  _Never mind. But how can you hug so angry? Not to mention that awful time out he was going to put me in..._

"Never speak like that again. We have an agreement. We don't leave you and you don't leave us. It works both ways, you know." whispers his father. "When will you understand that, my silly child?" He ruffles his hair affectionately.

_He...he's not going to send me away? Despite what I did...? Despite what I would have done?_

"But...you don't want me anymore...I'm evil..." mutters Ben.

His father releases him from his embrace and says: "Let me get one thing straight. No more running away or there will be some serious punishment. I won't tell you what it is, as you won't run away again and never find out. Understood."

_No, I don't understand anything...and won't you just hug me to death or something?_

"I guess I would let your mom or Chewie deal with you..." answers his father like he can read Ben's mind.

"No need!"

"Good...but really I would never let Chewie deal with you...I don't trust him anymore...I don't understand why he hates you so much...why he's not willing to give you a chance, that's not like him at all." His father looks so lost with everything.

_What...but it's no wonder that Chewie hates me..._

"But I understand...I tried to kill people...I'm dangerous...I'm evil...I can't help it..."

_I...would've killed you...if not for this change..._

His father shakes his head. "No, what happened back there was only an accident."

_What accident...were we not at the same place?! Did you not see what happened?!_

"Accident...?! But I tried to get my umm...saber back..." mutters Ben shamefully.

_And I choked a man...and fired blasters..._

"Okay, that part was just pure naughtiness but what happened because of it was out of your control. You clearly still have all your power and that's too much for someone as young and small as you. Your uncle should be able to help you control that." His father says it like it's no big deal.

This did not fit in any way with his anger before.

"Then why are you so mad...?"

 _I don't understand..._  
"Because you tried to run away! That's out of the question. You are never allowed to put yourself in danger, ever. Now, let's go back to your mother. She must be worried sick..." His father opens up his embrace as if he wants Ben to cling on to him like he's about to carry him back.

_What the...who are you and have you done to my father?_

"Aren't you going to punish me...for trying to kill the rebels...?" asks Ben and really hates himself for having to ask.

_Did dad forget what happened? Is he still in shock that I ran away?_

"You mean this?" His father picks up the dreaded ruler from his deep pocket.

Ben stiffens.

_He has it! Oh...no I shouldn't have reminded him! Why can I never shut up?!_

But the only thing his father does is breaking the ruler in two and throwing it away in pure disgust. "This is what I really think of Chewie's parenting advice." He glares at Ben as if daring him to object.

Ben looks at the broken piece of wood on the floor and back at his father, speechless.

"I'm never going to hit you. No matter what anyone in the whole galaxy says! You're my son and it's up to me how I deal with you." His father points at him, like he's reminding Ben, who that son is as if otherwise Ben would be confused.  
"You slapped me..." Ben mutters and feels a little guilty for reminding him when his father is showing so much resolve, but as he is used to his father saying one thing and doing another, he has to test him.

His father reacts in shock, like he hadn't realized what he did.  
""I'm so sorry! It was a reflex...not that's any excuse, but I just really hate it when you start talking about sending yourself away! It won't happen again, I promise. Are you okay?" His father rubs his sore chin. "Do you want a cream on that?"

_Really, since when did dad become such a ewok? His old age has clearly soften him up...it makes sense as he really shouldn't be worrying about bringing up a child anymore, but spoiling a grandchild...which means I would have a child...which means..._

_Nooo, don't think about Rey in that manner! Think about something else quickly! As far as away from that thinking as possible...!_

"Then how are you going to punish me...?"

_There must be something, I can't get away scot free...can I?_

"I'm not." His father folds his arms.

"What?! Not even a timeout?"

_May I remind you that I tried to kill people..._

"Do you want me to punish you?" His father frowns at him annoyed.

"Ummm...I...don't know..." admits Ben.

_Yes...and no...and please don't ever ask a child that question!_

His father shakes his head. "Well, I personally think you've been punished enough with your imagined self-exile to Jakku. Really, what's up with you Jedi and self exiles each time you screw up? Can you never face your troubles head on instead of running...away...okay, perhaps I can't really talk...but I won't run away this time! Do you know what kind of a planet Jakku is?" He looks at him sternly.

Ben doesn't answer. This only feels like some weird dream, maybe he really did escape into his head, but now into some kind a dream world instead of endless nightmares.

_If it's a dream world...I don't mind staying..._

"It's a kriffing junkyard in a burning hot desert! You can only survive there if you become a scavenger and really I think would be a great waste of your talent. It's especially a no place for a child...or maybe you planned on leaving with Rey and having her teach you the ropes...?" His father adds the last bit sternly as if that had been Ben's plan along to elope with Rey.

_Elope?_

Ben's face heats up like the volcanic planet Mustafar.

"No...not Rey.." Ben mutters flustered.

_Even though she was the one who managed to stop me when I was submerged in darkness.._

His father lifts his brows. "What's up between you guys? You were so close after I saved you...what did you mean by that she still wants to kill you? Did you mean that literally? Or was this just from a memory?"

Ben's ears burn. "I really don't want to talk about it."

"Well, sometimes you're forced to talk about things, otherwise they will keep festering in your mind and become uncontrollable and that's something you, my forcesensitve child, should avoid at all cost."

_I hate that he's right...that exactly what sent me into a fit of fear and rage..._

"Okay...I...think...I'm...in..." He stammers.  
"What?" His father perks his ears.

"I'minlovewithher." Ben rushes out.

_Or something..._

His father stares at him and blinks in surprise. "Isn't she a little old...?" His father looks deep in thought, like he is trying to picture Rey as a younger girl more fitting for Ben's current age.

Ben waves his hands desperately. "NO! Not me! I mean my old self! I' haven't even started...thinking about girls that way..."

His father's lips twitch at first until he can't take it anymore and bursts out laughing, surprising Ben greatly at first, but then he yells in outrage: "It's not funny!"

_Don't you understand the seriousness of this situation?!_

His father just smirks and ruffles his hair. "Don't worry kid, it's perfectly normal to have these kind of thoughts...when you're growing up." He blinks him.

"I don't want to have these thoughts! They are so confusing!"

"I'm afraid that's all the part of growing up. Have you asked how she feels?"

"NO WAY!"

_Are you insane! Do you want me to die out of shame?!_

"Just kidding...but she probably only thinks of you as her kid brother now." His father puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

_Probably..is not good enough..._

"What can I do...? How can I fix this...this mess?" Ben looks pleading in his father's eyes.

_Please help me fix this mess!_

"Give her what she wants. What you intended to give her," answers his father like that is the only right answer.

Ben looks puzzled over those words at first. "Give her..."

Then he does remembers what his father is referring to.

"A family...you're right, I can't deprive her of that...she's been through so much..."

_And she seems to be able to stop my darkness somewhat...but she also seems to deal with her one. I need to help her as she has helped me..._

"See, it's better to talk about things..." His father smiles and pats his shoulder, at the same time Ben's stomach growls loudly as Chewie's growls.

Han backs away shocked like there really is a monster living inside Ben's belly, but then he shakes head in bewilderment. "When...in the...was the last time you ate...?!" His father sighs. "Wait here, I will go get you something..." But before he leaves to get some food, he glances at the broken piece on the floor and takes them with him.

 _Why did he take the broken ruler? Probably just to throw it away...I hope...he hasn't changed his mind...about punishing me...and plans on just doing it later?!_   _I really hope not..._

* * *

His father returns shortly with a bag of something. He reaches into it, picks up a fruit and throws it to Ben who catches it with ease.

"Nice catch."

Ben beams with the praise.

"I'm sorry I couldn't find anything better." His father sits on the cot opposite him while Ben just nod and takes a bite.

After the first bite, he realizes how truly hungry he is and devours the rest of the fruit. His father hands him another one from the bag.

For a while they only sit in silence as Ben eats until his father asks tentatively.

"How are you feeling now...?"

"Tired..."

_But not as tired as I was._

A great deal of sadness creeps into his father's eyes."I'm so sorry for not paying a better attention to you...your mom and I are kinda relearning how to be parents again...while trying to save the galaxy...again...

_And I made things more complicated..._

"I understand..."

"But you're not a bother in any way, never think that! We are beyond thrilled to have you back...okay?" His father gives his shoulder a comforting squeeze.

_But I'm a troublemaker..._

"Are you going to send me back to school?" Ben asks one of the many things that have been weighing on him for too long.

_Or worse...uncle..._

His father leans back, looks into the ceiling like the answers can be found there and then back at his son. "I hadn't thought about that...but no of course not! We are not sending you away. I guess you will just have to homeschooled...or rebelschooled. Though the rebellion is no place for a child...we will find something for you to do. You need some toys to play with...what do you like? Besides a toysaber of course?" His father adds the last sentence with a bit of a tease.

"I don't...know..."

_When did the conversation turn to something as normal as this...? Didn't I just try to kill people with my darkside powers...? He was way angrier when I forcechocked that stupid bully...this was was way way way worse...especially considering my history. So how come he is acting so different?_

Ben stares at his father as if someone else is hiding inside of him.

"You're probably wondering why I punished for what you did with that bully, but let you get away with trying to kill the rebels." His father says like he can see right into Ben's mind.

_What...since when could dad invade minds so easily? But, yes, that's exactly what I'm thinking about and don't understand at all..._

Ben nods and waits anxiously for the answer. Somehow that must be the link to his father's abrupt change.

His father grabs his head, like he's suddenly in great pain and takes a deep breath before he starts. "I...have never forgiven myself for what I did to you that day."

* * *

Ben is shocked, he never expected that his father had seen anything wrong with his actions, at least he had not shown that in any way at that time.

"I always wondered what if we had come sooner? No, why couldn't we come sooner?! And why I didn't just hug you and tell you that we would never leave you...instead of just focusing of how much you were becoming like Vader...which angered and frightened me greatly...maybe you wouldn't even have turned to the darkside!" He looks at his son with much great sorrow and pain. "Can you ever forgive me for my mistake?"

"I don't know...I don't know why I turned." Ben mutters. He had no idea that his father bore so much of the blame of his turn. "But yes...of course I forgive you."

_If he could forgive me, it's only right that I should show him the same courtesy..._

His father continues with great pain in his voice. "This is my worst ever memory and I have always hated myself for it, you were in great pain that day and I only added to it! If anything I should've attacked that bully instead...but really that would've sent the wrong message. I felt so ashamed I couldn't even tell you how I really felt, how frightened I was off everything. I was too caught up in who you were becoming in instead of focusing on who you were and what you needed desperately from us. I didn't even know about the voice in your head, your mom didn't tell me till just now...had I known...I'm sure I would've reacted differently...I hope I would."

"I...had no idea...you felt that way..." Ben says, still in shock. His father had never talked about anything this deeply, he had never admitted any weakness so it is the first time he sees his father break down like that and it unsettles him.

"And then what happened in the rebel base was a horrible repeat of that event. With everyone watching you like you were a monster...like they were planning on taking you away, just like in that awful school assembly! I was so lost, I had no idea what I could do to help you and then in my shock, I was about to repeat the same awful mistake! I can't believe that I would make the same mistake again! This time I was afraid of who you were, instead of who you were becoming and again, not focusing on the present in any way..." His father takes a shuddered breath.

He looks at his son.

"But no more. I at last realized the answer to this all is very simple, you are my child...and I plan to protect you from the world with all means necessary."

* * *

Father and son stare at each other in silence as Ben has no idea how to answer his father's confession.

At last his father breaks the silence. "I think it's the same problem you are having, you're too caught up in who you once were and afraid what you could become, that you forgot that you are child. You're not supposed to worry about the past or future but just focus on the present. Be a child, my son."

Ben can't believe his father has just laid out all his problems like that and solved them with a simple stroke. He wants to cry with relief, but holds it back as he wants to hear more from him.

"Stop worrying about these things. You can't change them and thank the maker! No one knows what the future beholds."

Ben smiles over the fact that his father just used a favorite catch phrase of Threepio.

_He has really lost it...but it's not right cause I can see the future..._

"Too bad there are no other children in the rebel base. You really need someone your own age to play with...or I guess you could hang out with Rey..." His father blinks him teasingly.

_He's never going to let that one go...is he?_

"Are you going to leave me behind when you go on a missions?" Ben asks to change the subject, but also because he had wondered where he fit into the rebellion, if he even did.

"Of course...in the rebelbase, but you will never be alone. Missions are no place for children and I will never let the First Order get their hands on you again. So you will stay as far away from them as possible, you hear me?" His father says sternly, like Ben were planning on taking them on himself.

"Yes..."

"But you need your uncle's help...to control your powers...first...before we can establish some kind of normalcy. We also need to find out what's going on with you."

Ben stiffens. He can't believe he fell into the that trap.

_There it is! I knew this couldn't just be normal!_

* * *

"It's getting late...we really need to head back..." His father plans on carrying him but Ben backs away.

"I can walk on my own, you know."

"I know that...coming?"

_I don't mind him carrying me...I just don't want to go back..._

"I don't want to meet uncle again..."

His father take a seat beside him. "Why's that?"

"I...well you know why! But also because...what if I turned to the darkside because of him?"

"Because of Luke? Why would you do that?"

"I don't know...I just have this feeling...maybe not him personally, but it was linked to him...somehow..."

Ben's heart start racing and his distress does not escape his father's notice.

"There is something else bothering you, isn't it?"

"What if I turn into Kylo Ren the moment I meet him?"

"You're afraid to turn back..." His father mutters, as if he's seeing his real fear for the first time.

Ben turns to him. "Do you even know if that can't happen? I certainly don't...I don't know anything..."

"I'm sorry, I don't know either. But we will cross that bridge...if it ever appears...together." He takes his hand.

A vision appears in Ben mind, from that time when his father and his unmasked self met on the catwalk...before this change and this time Ben believes his father will bring him back if he has to.

_And I thought...he had given...up on me..._

Ben shivers out of cold with the reminder of darkness that just recently swept and took over him.

"Do you know why I turned? I don't remember anything...just recent...dark memories...I don't even remember clearly why I went to train with uncle in the first place...was there some creepy voice? I don't remember anything...but at the same time I don't want to remember. I'm afraid...of the truth...I'm so afraid...so cold..." He rubs his shoulders in an vain effort to get some warmth in his body.

His father takes his jacket off, drapes it over him and hugs him close. "The truth can be a scary thing. I wish you wouldn't have to go through this...but we would only be lying to ourselves...I'm sorry I can't help, I don't know the specifics. I only have theories...but your uncle..."

"Are you really going to leave me with him again?" Ben interrupts him, but yet is so afraid of the truth.

"Leave? No, we have an agreement...I'm coming with you." His father says with finality.

_Coming...with me...?_

"What...coming with me? Why didn't you say that earlier! Do you know much pain it caused me...I thought you were sending me away...forever!" Ben can't help his anger he feels over these words so he hits his father on the chest, with his little fists, albeit not very hard.

His father grabs his small hands to stop the onslaught. "I'm so sorry, we certainly could've worded it better, but I thought we had already told you were are in this together."

"I'm sorry if I still have a hard time believing your promises as you have broken a lot of them..." Ben huffs.

"Well, that's things of the past." His father says firmly.

"But I understand if you would get rid of me...I'm just a burden..."

_I don't serve your care...if you knew what my what-if future self planned on doing...I wonder if you would be as happy with me...no I not supposed to think about things like that..I'm a child...stay in the present._

His father nugdes him gently in the cheek. "Kid, stop with that talk. You're not a burden, you're my son and no, I don't plan on leaving you alone with your uncle, not this time...anyway...I'm staying with you."

"Staying...for how long?"

_He will get bored very quickly with us Jedis._

"I will stay as long as it takes to heal you."

_Heal...me?_

"Heal me...as in change me back into my adult self?"

_You don't want me like this. I'm too hard to handle?_

His father shakes his head. "No...not necessary. In fact, I don't mind you staying like this...if that is want you want...but you need first and foremost to get rid of the darkness in your soul."

"You promise to stay...you're not going to leave the minute everything turns hellish boring and believe me when I say that uncle Luke is a master in making even the most interesting things boring..."

His father puts arm around his shoulder. "Haha, I know exactly what you mean...but I think that's mostly because he's so afraid of turning into another Vader...and then you turned into one instead..."

"I'm sorry for that..."

"If I ever had the chance to meet your granddad I would..." His father shakes his fist at an invincible opponent.

"But there is no possibility of that happening is there?"

His father turns to him. "Well, there is his forceghost that your uncle sometimes speaks with."

"Wait...what a ghost...my granddad is a ghost?! Why have never met him?" Ben asks with wide eyes..

"You know why, you were already obsessed with his dark past...without even knowing it was his dark past. We really didn't want him to give you any ideas..." His father says sternly.

"But maybe by talking to him...he would've explained things...that I could've avoided..."

"Hmm...well, we can't talk about what ifs now, can we? It's not like anyone knows what could happen in the future."

_I do...and I tried to prevent it...and made it happen...maybe something similar happened to granddad?_

"But I promise that I will stay with you this time..no, I won't just promise it, I will do it...oh, that reminds me I forgot to give you something...wait here." His father stand up and walks out of the room.

_Give me something...? Is he really gonna reward me for my bad behavior? On top of everything...? Mom will not approve..._

* * *

"Here." His father hands him a piece of wood that has been crudely taped together. The broken pieces of the ruler had been changed into something Ben couldn't quite put his finger on at first.

_So that's what he was doing with it...though I don't understand what this is for..._

Ben inspects this strange gift first in great confusion, but when he sees what shape it has, the unmistakable cross on it... "No...is it a...?" He turns bewildered to his father, who has taken a seat beside him.

_He made it...for me...?_

His father nods. "Yes, it's your toysaber. I know it's crudely made, but at least you can use it until we get you a proper one...a toy..." His father doesn't get any further as Ben throws the saber on the cot and flings himself at him in pure joy.

"Thank you! It's perfect. I don't need another one!"

_Except my real one...but that's just because I think it's linked to my memories in some way...I won't use it though...dad would kill me...or well mom would..._

His father pats his head where he is still in his embrace. "I'm glad to hear that. But no hitting people."

Ben looks up. "Not even Finn?"

His father shakes his head. "Not even him."

"But just to be perfectly clear, I'm not going to give you a toy each time you try to kill people.. Next time...well, let's just say there won't be a next time, agreed?"

"Agreed." Ben gives him one last hug before returning to his saber, eager to start playing with it.

_I have to paint it red and black...is should be okay! I'm supposed to be Kylo Ren's...apprentice..._

Suddenly Ben remembers the mess he left behind at the base and how, despite his father's reassurance, things were not going to be that easy.

"Now, eat some more food than you can go and play...well after we have cleared up the mess at the base...let's go back and apologize shall we?" His father sighs, as he has realized the same thing.

_Why can't we just stay here forever...?_

* * *

"I'm not not going back...they hate me..." Ben turns away and looks sadly at his toysaber.  
His father shakes his head in disbelief. "They don't hate you...you're just a kid."

"A darkside kid." Ben swings his toysaber with one mighty swipe.

His father pat his head. "No, you're neither light nor dark, you're just a kid. Our kid."

Ben turn to his father. "Chewie hates me..."

"He does not hate you...he just hasn't come to terms with what happened. You haven't really spent any time together...you used to best pals...I really have to talk to him..." His father shakes his head tiredly as if there is too much to be done and too little time.

"Poe knows my real identity."

"What...how?" His father looks surprised by that information, but doesn't quite believe it.

"We met...once..."

"Yes, apparently you tortured him, but that shouldn't really give you away. I mean who, except maybe those...with the wildest imagination would think of something like this happening?" He points at his small stature.

"Finn told him..."

His father looks genuinely shocked by that information. "Finn! When? That traitor...!"

"Can I now hit him?"

His father shakes his head grimly. "No...I will take care of that..."

"You can borrow my toysaber."

His father grins. "Thanks, but I will just use my fists..."

_If only had been able to tell my parents at that time...then none of this would've happened in the rebelbase._

Ben turns back to his toysaber. "I was so afraid that Poe would tell everyone that I..." He starts but as his voice trails off, his father finishes it for him. "You were trying to get your saber to defend yourself?"

"Yes...and all of you, but then the map was found, I had some dark thoughts and then you started talking about sending me away..." Ben hangs his head in deep misery, having great trouble with having to remember each of his hurtful thoughts.

His father puts a hand on his head. "My poor kid, so many things that weigh down on your young mind. No wonder that you're confused. You must talk about those things and let us deal with them, it's not your responsibility anymore, remember that. Never try to deal with things on your own. We are here to help." He nudges him in the shoulder. "Never forget that."

"They both must hate me now..."

"Who?"  
"Poe and...Finn."

"Well...Finn is well Finn...but I bet at least Poe doesn't hate you like this, if he does, then he will have to answer to me or...your mom, which is even scarier as she is his boss."

_Mom...even though dad has forgiven me...what about her?_

Ben turns his head sharply to the side. "Mom's furious, isn't she...?"

"Well, she will be just be more madder the longer you stay here, but truth be told, I think she is more worried about you...than real angry about what happened."

"Worried...?"

"You could've seriously hurt yourself...and then you ran away after she just got you back. Are you coming?" His father stands up as if suddenly realizing they really have to go now.

"But what if Poe told everyone at the base who I really am...don't you think the base will hate me even more? Even BB-8 knows the truth...he might try to sap me to death..." Ben shivers imagining that little droid electrocute him and swings his toysaber protectively.

"Well, we will never find out whether Poe told everyone or not, by staying here, will we? And I will protect you...even from BB-8, so stop worrying." His father asks for his toysaber with his hand and helps him fasten it under his belt. "There, now you're ready to go. Come." His father holds his hand out to him, but Ben still looks unsure.

"Threepio also knows the truth now...BB-8 told him...I'm certain of it..."

"Threepio...well then we are screwed. But really kid stop worrying about things that might happen, we can only deal with thing that are happening."

Ben takes this in. "Okay...I don't want to be Jedi again..."

"A smuggler then? Your mom will be so thrilled...not. I have a better idea, how about you help me with my shipping business. I'm thinking of starting it again."

"What now? In the middle of a war?"

"No, I'm talking about in the future. It's okay to plan for the future. This war can't last forever. It will be a family business."

"But I don't even know...if I will ever grow up...what if the Force is punishing me for my acts...?"

"By changing you back into a child? Would you really call that a punishment?" His father smirks.

"I don't know...but I'm afraid of staying like this forever...I don't want to be left alone..." Ben looks pleading at his father.

"The little things I know about the Force is that it's not some rotten bastard who enjoys to torment little kids...if it is your mom will have something to say about it..."

Ben smirks, he could just picture the force cover in fear because of his mother's anger and it made him feel a little better.

" So, I wouldn't worry, besides these are things you really need to speak with your uncle about..."

"Maybe..."

"No, definitely and you need him to help your control your powers. It might even help you with the nightmares."

"I hope so...I have also started to have visions...of the future..."

"Future? Really...how...?" His father asks perplexed.

"I shows me things that would have happened if...I hadn't...changed..terrible things..." Before Ben has any chance of calling forth a vision, his father says firmly. "Well, then it's good that this change did happen. I certainly wouldn't have it any other way. From my point of view, this is not a punishment...this is a miracle..."

"How is it a miracle?"

"We got you back, that's the only thing that matters." His father ruffles his hair. "So stop worry about things that can't happen any more and stop worry about things that have already happened. The only thing that matters is what is happening now."

"I guess...that makes sense..."

Ben takes a sharp intake of breath when remembering the vision he above all doesn't want to remember.

_I can't tell him...ever...what was meant to happen..._

He jumps from the cot and hugs his father.

"You're awfully huggy lately." His father remarks with a tease.

_Says who?_

"But I don't mind. So you want me to carry you after all?"

Ben just nods and his father heaves him up into his embrace.

"Just for the record, your saber, that is the real one, stays with me until you can wield it properly again...okay?"

"I just didn't want the rebelscu...eh rebels to keep it." Ben yawns suddenly as he can feel the exhaustion catching up to him, now that he has something soft to rest his head on and is not overwhelmed by everything.

_Everything is going to be okay..._

His father smirks. "Understandably...they can be bit...annoying..." His voice trails off, when hears that Ben's half asleep as he carries them back to the rebel base. "Sleep well my son..."

* * *

_Next chapter: Saying goodbye to the rebels..._


	11. Time for big changes

Ben wakes up, feeling more rested than he had felt in what was like ages to him, but has been more than two days or such.

_I didn't have a nightmare...I didn't know that was even possible anymore! Hooray!_

"Are you up, kid?" asks his father beside him.

 _Beside me...where am I?_ Ben looks into the ceiling and recognized it instantly.

_We are not in the rebel base...why...am I still dreaming?_

"I contacted your mother to let her know everything was okay, so you could sleep a bit longer," explains his father when Ben looks at him questioningly.

"Thanks, dad. I appreciate it." Ben smiles and sits up on the cot. He wishes he could just be able to sit there forever and never have to face anyone ever again at the base.

"Do you think you are ready to go back now?" asks his father tentatively, knowing how much it upsets his son to be reminded of that harsh reality.

Ben hangs his head. "I don't think I will ever be ready...dad..."

"I'm sorry, but we can't postpone it forever..."

"I didn't have any nightmares!" Ben yells excitedly to divert his father's attention and also to bring some much needed good news.

His father is surprised to hear that but then he smiles and pats his back. "That's great son!"

"So...do we I still have to see uncle Luke?" Ben looks pleading at his father.

_If I have stopped having nightmares...is there any need for me to meet him..again?_

His father sighs, as if he's about to bring him some bad news. "We don't know if this was just an isolated incident or if you are really nightmare free. So, yes it's better to go and don't you also want to go with Rey when she trains as a Jedi?"

Ben pouts and folds his arms. "I haven't even asked her if she even wants to be Jedi...I don't want to again..."

_Never again..._

His father ruffles his hair. "And you won't and don't worry about Rey, of course we will ask her and not drag her unwillingly into the Falcon."

Ben chuckles imagine that but stops laughing the minute he remembers that his masked self had already taken her unwillingly to his shuttle.

Ben groans inside his head.  _I can't even joke anymore..can I?_

"However before you can worry about that there is something else we have to see to." His father stands up.

"I don't want to go...yet...I'm not ready..."

"Understandable, but it's not good to postpone bad things either. Come, we have to fix this." He helps him stand up and leads him to back to the rebelbase by holding his hand.

* * *

Ben dreads every step he takes on their way to the base and his heartbeat pounds wildly in his ears. He starts to drag his feet in order to slow their arrival, even though it's nightfall and perhaps everyone is fast asleep.

"Calm down, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think." His father picks him up and carries him the rest of the way.

At last they reach their destination. Ben can see the backs of people huddled together, talking in loud whispers about something.

_I knew it...I won't be welcomed...and why are everyone still up? To yell at me?_

All of sudden Threepio's head pops up from the crowd and he yells in delight:"He's back!"

"Ben!"shouts Rey happily as she looks over her shoulder.

His mother covers her mouth as if she's about to cry and the other rebels turn around to see Ben arriving with his father, who puts him down on the ground.

_Now...they will throw me out again or worse..._

However, all of the rebels exclaim in joy when they see him...or well most of them. Though even Finn looks a little bit relieved that Ben returned and Chewie has a puzzled expression, like he's not sure whether or not he should be relieved while Poe grins and BB-8 chirps somewhat happily.

_They are happy to see me...? I doubt they would treat me like this if they knew who I once was...does that mean they don't know the truth yet? But why?_

"Ben!" His mother uses lightspeed to get as quickly to him as she possibly can and hugs him fiercely of the ground. "Don't you ever dare to run away again!"

"I'm sorry, mom."

His mother looks at his father with tears in her eyes. "Thanks for bringing him back."

"Anytime."

"Thanks, dad."

_And for bringing me back to begin with..._

His father only smiles and ruffles his hair playfully.

"Can I hug him too?" The rebel with the bun hairstyle asks.

Though his mother looks a little bit reluctantly at first to let go of her precious son, she nods and allows the rebel to hug Ben like he's their pet.

_Wow...didn't I just try to kill them? How can they be so forgiven?_

Ben grumbles and before he knows it even more rebels have started hugging him and ruffling his hair. Though he hates being swarmed and treated like stuffed toy, he allows it as it a good change from not being hated by everyone...just some and some of the not hating rebels start to apologize to him.

"We are sorry for underestimate your pain."

"It must have been so terrifying being a prisoner this whole time!"

"Not to mention Kylo Ren' apprentice!"

"We should have left you alone to rest."

"We shouldn't have treated you like a monster!"

"Not something as adorable as you!" The rebel with the bun hairstyle squeals in delight and ruffles his hair once more.

"You're extremely powerful for your age but that's not your fault." says Admiral Ackbar.

"And maybe you can use your powers for something good instead!" yells the former annoying rebel which Ben choked and slammed into a wall, though Ben is not sure how those powers can be used for anything good.

"You will be so useful to the rebellion when you grow up!" yells the admiral-like rebel.

"Don't worry about that now just enjoy being child."

"We hope your dad wasn't too hard on you!"

"It would kill us if you ever got hurt!"

"Don't ever run away again!"

"We are your family too."

_They really...don't know the truth...Poe didn't tell them...anything? Was I wrong along?_

Ben meets Poe's eyes, when he suddenly saunters over to him with BB-8 rolling behind him.

_Oh, no, no, no! Don't tell them know! And BB-8 please don't sap me!_

* * *

Poe moves too quickly for Ben to hide behind his father's back, but he managed to at least retreat to his chest for protection.

Poe leans down to him as if he's about say something when suddenly his lips goes upward in a big grin and he tousles Ben's hair with fast movements.

Ben gapes as he looks at his former mortal enemy who retracts hand and then calls Finn over by nodding his head at him.

"Finn..." His father and he growls at him together, remembering the betrayal all too well.

Finn with great hesitation comes to them. "What...Poe?"

Poe surprises both Ben and Finn, by suddenly grabbing Finn's palm and putting it over Ben's hair. "Find how soft it is."

Finn, looks annoyed but then he starts to move his hand slowly until he seems to get the hang of it, goes a bit faster but thankfully not to fast, as that would hurt Ben and a small smile creeps on his lips.

"You're right it's very soft."

_How many times do I have to say this! I'm not an ewok!_

Ben however does not say anything to object this treatment and suffers quietly while being petted by his two former mortal enemies.

When at last Finn seems to get enough of touching his hair, Poe leans to Ben and whispers to him and his father: "Your secret is safe with me."

"With me too," says Finn despite having no qualms about giving the secret earlier to Poe.

As if it didn't shock Ben and his father enough that both his former mortal enemies had just ruffled his hair like he's a baby ewok, this revelation blew their minds away.

Ben and his father exchanged shocked glances while Ben's mind goes straight into conspiracy theories, as he is used to prepare for the worst.

_What...What's Poe's game? Why is he keepings this from the rebels? Is he a spy for the First Order? What if he's going to hid that information so he can easily snatch me and bring me back to them?! But where does Finn fit into this...is he also a spy after all?_

Even BB-8 chirps somewhat happily at him instead of trying to sap him as he had feared would happen and bumps gently into him, like he nudging him in the shoulder.

_BB-8 is also a spy...?_

"What was going between you Poe, Finn and even BB-8?" Ask his mother who stand at their side, after the trio of "now we know the secret but we are going to keep it for some strange reason" had left them.

"Nothing..." Ben and his father lie in unison.

_I don't understand anything..._

"Well, it's a good thing you and Finn have become friends," remarks his mother.

"Yeah..."

_Is is really that simple?_

"Son, you should apologize even though it was all just an horrible accident. You've to learn to control your feelings so this won't happen again." His fathers says gently after nearly everyone in the rebellion had petted Ben's head, hugged him or both and some even dared to do it more than once and in the most extreme cases, his mother had to pry some away from him, who didn't want to let him go.

_No, that's the exact kind of thinking that got me into trouble in the first place...and if he was I would really have to inform mom about my suspicions instead of trying to do something myself._

"Ben...?" Asks his father worried.

"I'm sorry...and I'm terribly sorry...it was accident...won't happen again. Can you forgive me?" Ben bows his head to them.

_And for what my other self did to you..._

"Of course we forgive you. Just don't do it again..." One of the rebels says and all nod in agreement.

"I won't," answers Ben honestly.

_At least I will do my uttermost to make sure the darkness doesn't engulf me again..._

"Good," the representative of the rebels answer for them all.

So far Rey has kept her distance from Ben while all the rebels cuddle him, despite at first being overjoyed to have him back and Ben thinks it is because she is still trying to understand the vision they had when their sabers clashed. Ben is glad as he is still confused about his feelings, despite the talk with his father and really needs a bit more time to come to grips with everything that has happened.

_I have to be hundred percent sure that I'm not longer into her...before she can even touch me..._

"Are you really okay now?" ask Rey suddenly out of nowhere and takes huge stride towards him with her arms outstretched as if she is about to embrace him.

_No! Don't come this way!_

Ben jumps away from her in fright and yells: "I'm not that into you anymore!"

All the rebels falls quiet and look at him puzzled.

Rey just stares at him.

"What...?" asks his mother shocked and looks at his father for answers, whose lips twitch as if he's about to laugh but he doesn't help him in anyway.

_Dad, don't tell mom anything...it's embarrassing...!_

"Umm...well...my...old...umm..." Ben's face heat up as he tries to fumble for an excuse, without giving up his secret. He really has to fight the urge not to run away again and take the next ship to an unhabitable planet and hide forever.

_Why did I say that?! Am I insane?!_

"Rey..?" Finn comes over to them. "How could you...he's just a kid...? Finn points at Ben as if Rey had forgotten that small detail.

_Poor Finn...I think he's in love with her or something...I didn't mean to steal her away like that! I never asked for this!_

To Ben's utmost surprise Rey only starts to laugh heartily, shocking everyone around her except his father who only grins.

She hold her stomach and wipes her eyes after laughing so much. "Don't worry, I just think of you now as my little brother." She grins and ruffles his hair teasingly.

Ben and Finn exhales relieved while the rest of the base laughs.

"Told you so," whispers his father into his ear, while his mother still looks confused over everything.

_Wait...now...? She was into my unmasked self? Even though he was so mean to her..? I will never understand girls..._

"What did you mean by now...?" Finn has also caught on Rey's words but before Rey can accidentally give away Ben's big secret, his father interjects: "Rey, Ben want's to adopt you, we want do it too, but...do you want it?"

Rey looks speechless. She stares into space.

"Rey...are you okay...?" asks his mother and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"I...get to have a...family...? For real...?" She covers her mouth.

His father nods. "Yes, if that is want you want."

Rey's only answer is to snatch Ben up in a fierce hug:"Little brother!"

"I guess that means yes." His father grins and ruffles Ben's hair where he's trapped in Rey's embrace while his mother pinches his cheek and smiles.

_I gonna be cuddled to death...aren't I...? Well that's much better way to die than I was supposed to have...Death...the vision...I know I am not supposed to worry about what-ifs any more but at least I have to warn Rey about something important..._

"Rey, you have to be careful by the darkside."

Rey casts a stupefied look at Ben, like he's using to big words for his age or as if someone much older is speaking through him.

She releases him from her embrace and waits for him to continue. "You're talking about the vision."

Ben nods and asks her to follows him, so they can get more privacy for this darker conversation.

Their parents allow them to go, but only after he has promised not to go very far and not to stay too long away.

_No trust...but I guess I have to earn it again..._

* * *

Ben finds an untidy weapons storage not far away and closes the door after Rey has entered.

His mind is about to be bombarded with some strange feelings and memories, the moment they are alone together, but he manages to shake them all off.

He turns to her. "The vision you saw...when our lightsabers clashed, it was a what-if future one. You were tempted by the darkside...you could've killed me...you were so angry..." Ben shivers and rubs his arms, when remembering the feeling he had of his near death.

"I'm... so sorry...but I will never try to kill you like this...never now. We are a family."

Rey plans on hugging him again but as Ben has already had too many hugs for one day to last a lifetime, he backs away and paces around like his father always does when he has something difficult to say: "I know and don't be sorry for trying to kill my what-if futureself. You had every reason to be angry...too bad it leads straight to the darkside...if not controlled...like what happened in the base...but you stopped me, thank you for that Rey." He stops and smiles shyly at her.

"Happy to help, my little brother."

_One of these days she will probably start calling me some weird nickname..._

Rey tousles his hair and then says teasingly. "Benny."

_I knew it!_

"Do you want to be a Jedi?" Ben asks in the hope of being getting taken seriously again despite his appearance.

_Sure I'm a kid...but that still doesn't mean I've not been through some stuff!_

"I don't know...do you I have a choice?" Rey asks innocently and puts a finger on her mouth in genuine surprise.

"You always have a choice." Ben says firmly and sounds much older than she is for a minute.

"I like to try. Besides I want to come with you to your uncle...does that mean he's my uncle too?" ask Rey excitedly as if that would be the best thing ever but she doesn't know Luke, so Ben doesn't blame her for wanting that.

"Yeah, you can say that." Ben nods and Rey beams over her family that keeps getting bigger by the minute.

"Treephio, Artoo and...Chewie are part of your family too."

Threepio who clearly, for some reason, had been passing by when he head that part of the conversation and pops through the door that opens for him. "What me...oh, right because...they adopted you and you are Luke's son...right?"

_I have to tell him the truth one day..._

"Are you finished?" His father ask who follow shortly after Threepio, who leaves again after Ben had nodded his head to answer his question to continue with the lie.

_The clearly watched where we went since they found us this soon..._

Ben nods, so the rest of his family minus Artoo walks into the room.

_I hope they weren't eavesdropping..._

Chewie growls: Welcome to the family, Rey."

"Thanks."

Chewie glares at Ben but doesn't say anything.

_Will he ever forgive me?_

"Chewie, be nice to Ben. I won't tell you this again," says his father sternly like Chewie is a dog who is about to bite someone.

Chewie grumbles.

His mother hugs Ben briefly. "I'm so happy to have you back. Now go find a corner and think about what you did."

Ben turns in shock at her like she had just said that she was going to ship away to the First Order.

_Well, there went being taken seriously again into hyperspace..._

"What but..!" He looks to his dad for help. "It was an accident..."

"I already took care of it," says his father with no room of argument but his mother only smiles."You liar...you big softie. I know you didn't punish him at all."

"What gave me away?" Ask his father innocently.

"The toy saber." His mother points at the toy saber in Ben's belt.

"Oh..." His father has the look of someone being busted.

Chewie looks rocked over that information but only shakes his head while Rey smiles relieved.

"But I'm glad...when the shock wore off I realeased our mistake...it would've killed me if you had hurt him in anyway...never again," says his mother in a shaking voice.

Ben thinks his mother is probably referring to the awful day in the school assembly, they day both of his parents lost a sight of who he was and only looked at who he was becoming. A mistake they would never do again...

"Never again," agrees his father and looks with conviction in his wife's eyes.

"He slapped me..." Ben can't help saying that and covers his mouth in hurry although the damage was already done.

Rey and their mother look shocked by that revelation and then turn to his father, who looks shellshocked over Ben's betrayal.

"HAN!" Shouts his mother at his father and looks to be ready to take one of the gun downs from the shelves and throw one in his direction, as she usually did with dinner plates at home.

Rey scowls at him, making Chewie the only one looks to approve of the slap, somewhat.

"It was an accident! Ben...please..." plead his father and hides behind him, an impossible task considering Ben's small size.

"Yeah, sorry it was an accident. He was just so angry that I was going to send myself to Jakku..." mutters Ben shamefully and scratches his chin.

"Jakku? Why?" Rey looks in surprise between him and their parents.

"He was going to go with Rey." His father smirks.

"Me...?" Rey points at herself.

Ben's face heats up again and yells: "WAS NOT! I was going alone."

"Which is even worse." His mother frowns at him. "What were you thinking trying to go anywhere on your own? You're just a child."

Rey nods sadly.

" _Sending himself away?"_ Chewie asks in surprise and his father answers annoyed:"Yes, he was going to send himself in self-exile for what he did, a thing he picked up from his uncle."

His mother shakes his head. "Well, no more self-exiles. You can always talk to us and will figure it out together."

"Okay, mom."

His father and Rey nods in agreement.

" _I still can't believe that you gave him a toy...for trying to kill people?!"_ Chewie growls. " _At least he was going to send himself away...and you can't even put him into a timeout..."_ He shakes his head exasperatedly.

"Listen Chewie, enough is enough. You don't control how I raise my child! How would you feel if I told you do something similar you suggested to your younglings?" Ask his father furiously while holding Ben's shoulder protectively.

" _I would rip your arms off!"_ Shouts Chewie at him in outrage for even suggesting such a thing.

"Right, that's exactly how I feel." His father hugs Ben as if otherwise he would attack Chewie.

His mother and Rey frown at Chewie.

" _But...he's no ordinary child...he's a darkside user...and he tried to kill..."_  Chewie tries to talk some sense into them.

"Never mind that, he's still a child. My sweet child...and I won't make the same mistake again, so you better back off!" Shouts his father at Chewie whose eyes widen in surprise.

_Wow...dad and Chewie are fighting...I didn't even think that was possible...and over me...?_

" _I...I'm sorry.."_ Chewie looks at stunned as Ben at the outcome and leaves the room in a hurry.

His mother turn to Rey. "Rey, I'm sorry but this matter is between the three of us."

"I understand." Rey leaves although reluctantly but not before sending a sympathetic smile to Ben.

* * *

The family minus Rey return to the mental battle of "not going to corner despite Ben not having been punished at all for trying to kill the rebels."

"I admit it that we only talked about things that were bothering him and that was a lot, I can tell you that. But he feels better now, right son?" His father looks Ben, who nods.

"He thought we were sending him away forever, that's what send him over the brink. It was our fault for not being clear enough," adds his father.

His mother sighs. "I believe you're right and it's great that you could talk, not to mention surprising in a good way...but our son also needs to be punished or we are sending him the wrong message You are not going to give a toy each time he does things like that, are you?" She frowns at him and his father shakes his head. "No, but this was his last time. He will not do anything like that ever again, right son?" Asks his father and Ben shakes his head. "Of course, never ever again."

"That's very good to hear, but all of his could've been avoided had he just talked to us and he really needs a lesson in that it's not a good things to keep everything boiled up until the darkside spills over...," says his mother matter-of-factly.

His father sighs and hands him over to his mother. "I can't win. Ben, listen to your mother. I will go get everything ready for our trip." He leaves the room, leaving Ben alone with his mom and his horrible impending corner time.

_Of course you can't win against mom..._

Ben felt it odd to hear his parents fight over what to do with him again, yet his conversation was very different from the ones in the past. They were usually full of bitterness and sadness, a broken plates, this was more like his dad did just want to hug him and spoil forever and never punish while his mother thought punishments, however mild were indeed necessary, but she only talked about it logically.

However, that did not make Ben feel any better about subjecting to that babish punishment.

"But..." He starts.  
"Now, son. I'm sorry, but I really can't let this go unpunished. You did try to kill my people after all." His mother points to a corner in the room.

Ben mumbles some well-chosen profanities while on the way to the appointed place.

"What was that?" Ask his mother sternly and Ben runs to the corner.

"Nothing!" He yells.

"And don't come out before I give you permission." His mother calls after him.

_Of course won mom the battle...will I never be able to win a battle against her...? Did my masked self...no I don't want to think about it...just have to stare at this boring wall...and wait for this to be over..._

The door behind him suddenly opens up with a hiss.

_Dad is going to rescue me after all..?_

"NO WAY!" exclaims Poe and from the sound seem to drop something on the floor in shock.

_NO! Out of all of the...stupid rebels, Poe had to be the one to see me like this?!_

"Poe, did you need something?" Ask his mother in annoyance.

"Just...some..." Poe starts to snicker.

"What so funny?" Asks his mother sternly.

"Nothing..just your are putting Kylo Ren..."

"His former apprentice, you mean." His mother quickly corrects him.

"Yes, him...into a timeout, that's hilarious."

_No! It's not!_

"Well, he's Ben Solo now and he will be so for the rest of his life," says his mother firmly.

"I'm not staying in that corner forever!" Yells Ben as if that punishment went with his true name in any way.

"I did not mean that and no talking," rebukes his mother him.

"Sorry...mom..."

Thank the maker, he isn't going to have to stay in that corner forever though, as his mother tells him to stay there for ten minutes which was the longest he ever had, but considering the seriousness of what he had done, he didn't object to that time limit in any way. But it still feels like forever with his mom watching his every move. He is so bored and really he had already done all the thinking about what he did beforehand, so there is no reason to have to go through that again and certainly not while standing in a corner, with nothing to do except staring at the boring wall and not play with his toy saber.

All the rebels leave him alone except of course one of them, the one he really does not want to face right now, as he has know idea whether he can fully trust him or not.

"I can watch him if you want," says Poe in a friendly voice to Ben's mother as he still hadn't left the room after he found Ben in this predicament.

_Jerk..._

"Oh, could you? I really have to make sure everything is ready for their long trip ahead."

_What no! What if this was his plan along?! Dad and Rey already left to pack for our trip!_

Ben turns to her and points at Poe as is he's evil incarnate. "No, mom! He will kidnap him and fly away with me in his x-wing to the First Order!"

_What if it was no coincidences he could escape so easily from the First Order with Finn's help? Even though neither my masked self nor this Hux seems to know about it, what if this was some kind of an elaborate plan Snoke has to bring me back?!_

"What are you talking about?" His mother raises her brows to her hairline, as she has no clue about the wild conspiracies theories going on in his mind and turns to Poe who only grins and shakes his head tiredly. "Those kids have the craziest imaginations."

"Poe would never do something like that," says his mother sternly. "Turn back to the corner."

Ben obeys, though he's far from happy with how gullible his mom can sometimes be.

_You can't trust your rebels this much...otherwise why didn't you tell them truth about me? You must be afraid of something...or someone...can't you understand my feelings?_

He would usually contact her through the force link but he's too upset for it work and besides he's not even sure she will believe him even if he told her his suspicions.

"Of course not, I know he's your precious son and I would never dream of letting any harm come to him."

_Is that a irony I detect? Or is he being serious? As I can't see his face I can't tell if he's lying or not...but I can't detect any danger in the force...but he could be bluffing! Somehow...why should he otherwise want to watch me if not to kidnap me?!_

"I knew you would understand. I can always count on you." His mother opens the door.

"Of course general."

"Please...at least let dad know Poe is watching me," calls Ben after her desperately.

_He will understand my panic...maybe...unless he has also been fooled by Poe's charms..._

"If it makes you feel better. I won't be long. Behave," she says before the door closes after her.

_Well, I won't let Poe take me away without a fight. Since dad took my real saber I away I can't use that...not that I planned to after all the trouble I got in for it last time! But I have my toy saber and the force, in case he tries something!_

* * *

"Why did you think I was going to kidnap you?" Ask Poe in a genuine surprise and a little hurt and for a brief moment, Ben believes in his innocence.

_But that does not mean that I will lower my guard in any way! You may have fooled my parents with your charms Poe, but not me! I don't trust anyone...except of course my family! I hope dad got my message and has talked some sense into mom..._

However Ben only snaps at him while facing the wall:"I'm not supposed to talk while in the corner."

Poe suddenly opens up the door and calls into the hallway. "Finn, come here a sec."

_Oh, no he's going to get Finn to help him kidnap me! It makes sense, Finn knows much more about the First Order than he does...hurry up dad!_

"Aww, poor thing...," says Finn where he stops behind him and in a mocking tone.

"I never thought I would life a day where I would see this." Poe snickers.

"This certainly is an interesting sight..."remarks Finn.

"Now you know better than to try to to kill people...you, naughty little boy...," says Poe, but then it seems they can't take it any longer as they burst into a great laugh together.

_What?! They are laughing at me...they are not going to kidnap me...?_

"Why are you laughing at the poor kid?" The rebel with the bun hairstyle, asks as she passes them by the open door, as Poe hadn't closed it after he called Finn inside to mock Ben.

"Ah, you wouldn't understand. It's a personal joke." Poe says.

"Yeah...really personal," says Finn and stars snickering again.

"Leave the poor kid alone," the rebel says before going somewhere.

They start to laugh again the minute she is gone and Poe closes the door.

_This...was their plan along? To make fun of me...? Stop mocking me! Sure I'm glad they're keeping my secret...for now...but that still does not give them any leave to humiliate me instead!_

Ben hand's twitch at his side and really wants to turn around and snap at the laughing duo to leave but doesn't dare as he doesn't to want to prolong his corner time and besides Poe was meant to watch him.

 _Hmm, maybe I can teach them a little bit of a lesson...in respect..._ Out of the corner of his eyes Ben sees a small disregarded oil can in the corner. He grins, shuts his eyes and very slowly moves the oil can with force over his two laughing former mortal enemies, that still haven't seen the danger as they are too busy holding their stomach. As carefully as possible Ben tilts the oil can and spills oil all over them both.

They jump up sputtering, Ben can hear that and knows they must have looked up to check where it came from.

"You..." Finn says in dangerous voice and turns Ben around from the corner, who looks as innocent as possible.

"What?" But when he sees how Finn's hair is all covered in oil, some of it leaking into his eyes, making his face look even grimmer, he can't help chuckle a little.

Poe just laughs, despite having the same oil bath. "What a little rascal." He captures Ben and tickles him under his armpits, making Ben laugh and plead for his life.

_Ah, help!_

"Just wait until I tell your mom," says Finn threateningly while wiping his face with his jacket sleeve and Ben stops snickering at once as Poe stops the tickling "torture".

"What, no! It was just a little prank..." Ben pleads with him.

_I will never get out of the corner, if you tell her!_

"But you admit you did it...?"

"Umm..."

_I can't lie can I?_

"Finn, there so need to tell on him." Poe says while wiping his own face with a handkerchief. He takes the oil wet handkerchief and rubs Ben face with it playfully, making him have dark spots as well as them.

"Now we match." He grins and pinches one of his oil stained cheeks.

" _Too bad there are no children around your age at the base to play with," Ben remembers his father's words from earlier._

_Finn and Poe look to be about the same age as I mentally...are they my...playmates? But not spies...? Really...my two former enemies? Why didn't the future vision show me this funny image instead of frighten me out of my mind!? Or maybe that awful thing had to happen so this weird but somewhat happy thing could happen? The force sure works in a mysterious way..._

"What's going on?" His mother appears through the door and frowns at the oil bathed trio with hands on her hips.

_Oh, no my ten minutes are up but I left the corner without her permission! I'm doomed! Unless I can say they made me do it..._

When his mother sees the sight before her, she shakes her head. "Ben, you know that means another ten minutes in the corner."

"What, but! They started it!"

"Now, Ben, or I will add even more minutes."

As Ben does not want to stay forever in the corner, he jumps into it.

"And you two, leave him alone," says his mother like Poe and Finn had just been bullying her son but not also playing with him.

"Yes, mam." They say in unison.

She shakes her head. "Poe, you know better."

"Sorry, mam."

"I will take it from here. You two are dismissed."

"Yes, mam." They chorus and leave Ben alone with his mother.

* * *

When his mother finally releases Ben out of the endless captivity of the corner, she wipes his oll stained face with a wet cloth before giving him a long hug and lots of kisses and tells him how brave he is, as if he had just been in a prison cell. Thanks to the cornertime which Ben had wisely used to meditate to calm himself down in order to do something useful with the time wasted, he started to remember better the good times he had, as his memories aren't any longer clouded by the darkness in his heart. He feels as if his heart had been constricted too long by ice particles that made it hard from him to breathe...and live...but not anymore...

_Who would know that the corner would do me some good...?_

Ben remembers vividly how his mother had always overreacted like that each time she had put him in a timeout, which was a lot when he was younger as he always had a trouble controlling his temper or always getting into mischief but as he grew older, that particular punishment was changed into grounding to his room and although he hated corner time, he never hated the cuddling and comfort time after, which was partly lost after it became grounding at least it was never the same. It was at around that time he and his mother started to grow more apart, because he was older now, he shouldn't have to be as dependent on her and as he was so stubborn, he never admitted that he really needed her by his side. He also was never alone, as he had Threepio with him, though that was never the same as having either or both of his parents with him.

_I can't believe I have to leave her so soon...I would even stay in that kriffing corner forever if it just meant that I wouldn't have to leave her...ever...again..._

His shoulder start to shake and he feels so cold again, as the sadness starts to engulf him over the lost times and what could've been between them...

"Sweetie, are you okay? Oh, no are you crying?" His mother wipes his tears away with her thumb. "Sweetie, everything has been forgiven now. Don't worry about it anymore."

"Do I really have to go?" He asks in a broken voice.

His mother has downcast eyes as she knows exactly what he's referring to. "Yes...I'm afraid, your uncle is the only one who can help us understand what has happened. It must related to the force in some way."

"But I don't want to leave you mom."

His mother hugs him. "I don't want it either...but you will be back...this time...I wish I could come with you but I'm afraid I must oversee the rebellion. It's also to make you save...from the First Order. It won't be like last time, your dad, Rey, even Chewie and Artoo will be with you. And I will make sure to contact you every day from a save channel, okay, sweetie?" She runs a shaking hand through his hair.

_She trying to be strong for my sake, she hates this just as much as I do...if not even more..._

"It won't be the same." He says firmly.

"I know, but it's the best I can offer...and this won't be forever. I promise. Now, gets some rest, you have a long journey ahead of you." She kisses him on the top his head and let's him get free from her warm embrace.

Ben nods in agreement, although he would love to able to play and stay with his mother longer, he's still...somewhat tired even though got some well needed rest before returning back to the base, especially after spending all that time in the corner.

_This won't be like last time...everything will be different this time around..._

* * *

_AN: Next up, Rey's vision..._


	12. The healing begins

"I found him!" Rey lifts up the crate Ben is hiding under outside the Falcon and captures him swiftly from under it, before Ben even know what has happened.

If this had been regular hide and seek, Ben would've been annoyed that Rey found him so soon but considering his circumstances, he is terrified.

_How did she find me?! She is way to powerful in the force! Oh, no I'm so doomed!_

"Ben!" His father comes running to them where he had been looking for him under another crater on the deserted pathway outside the rebel base, as many of the rebels had already left on a mission or were overseeing it inside the headquarters.

" _Don't scare us like that!"_ Growls Chewie at him who comes running as well after having been searching for him all over the place.

_Chewie was worried about me...?_

Ben meets Chewie's gaze who turns quickly away from him with a stubborn look.

_Nah...it will take a longer time for him to completely forgive me..._

Rey puts him down on the ground directly under the stern gaze of his father who goes into full lecture mode.

"What do you have to say for yourself young man? Were you trying to give me a heartattack? I'm not young any more...are you trying to be the death of me?!" His father wiggles a finger at him in a stern manner.

_No, of course not! Please don't say that...you have no idea how much it hurts me...but I had very valid reason for what I did!_

Ben's ears burn under the scolding but he doesn't say anything as he's still in shock over how quickly his plan failed before it could even begin.

"Benny, what were you thinking?" Rey shakes her head exasperatedly.

" _That was very stupid thing to do..." growls Chewie._

* * *

Okay, Ben had to admit Chewie was right, this was not by far his most brilliant idea but it had been worth a shot. It had been far too tempting to sneak out of the Falcon when they three kept, what he felt, endlessly loading the Falcon with something, he had no clue about, food perhaps? The only thing he had to do was pretend he had fallen asleep, wait for a chance when he was alone, hide his force signature, empty one of the craters and hide himself under it while he creeped off board.

Then he was going to hide out till the Falcon was gone and keep on hiding in the rebel base until his parents would stop trying to send him to his uncle, as they would be so glad to have him back, a week should suffice, or would at last realise that he would never go there willingly. He had even planned on maybe get Poe, who would sympathise with his cause if he explained how he was scared of turning into Kylo Ren again and kill his uncle, to help him hide in exchange for some "important" First Order information, Ben would make up on the spot, something extremely convincing but he still didn't know what but it would've have come to him. This had been extremely risky plan but Ben didn't want to give up hope as long there was any chance for him to stay behind.

_I mean who says Rey can't just go on her own to train with uncle...? Though maybe it sucks a little for someone who has always been alone to not have company...? But seriously, I was just thinking of the danger of me meeting uncle again!_

There were two things that ruined his plan of "not meeting uncle ever again", one, they clearly checked up on him as soon as they went airborne and returned right away and two, the force sensitive, Rey, now his sister, found him before he could find a better a hiding place, even though he had hid his force signature so well, that even his own mother hadn't realised anything and was hiding under a sturdy crate.

"I'm still waiting for an explanation, son." His father crosses his arms and scowls at him like he's thinking of breaking his toy saber or putting him in the galaxy longest timeout.

" _It better be a good one..." growls Chewie threateningly._

"Benny, how could you?" Rey shakes her head sadly.

"I don't want to go..." Ben hangs his head and repeats this for what he feels like must be the hundredth time at least.

His father, Chewie and Rey's anger deflate like a balloon and they exchange worried glances instead and look sadly at Ben.

His father sighs and kneels to his eyelevel. "I know, son...but we can't risk you having visions or memories again uncontrolled, well preferably not at all...and we really need to find out why you changed..." He stands up and pats his head. "I better go get your mother."

"Am I in trouble?!" asks Ben alarmed.

_Dad said I would get some serious punishment if ever tried to run away again...but I wasn't running away...I was hiding...that's different right? I don't want another timeout...or maybe if I keep getting as many timeouts as possible I never have to leave! Until dad would figure out that I could just get one aboard the Falcon...that would suck...or maybe he will break my toy saber!_

His father shakes his head, making some of Ben's fears disappear. "No...but maybe she can help put some of your fears to rest...!" His father's voice trails off since as soon as he has finished his sentence his mother is suddenly behind him and he jumps up in a shock.

"That was quick...," says his father stunned.

"I felt his distress through the force..." says his mother as if that will explain everything.

_Is it because as soon as I have stopped hiding my force signature, all of my feelings started pouring into her...or..._

"And saw the Falcon return. Did you forget something?" She looks at his father with raised brows.

"Yes..." His father admits shamefully and rubs his neck. "Our son..."

Chewie and Rey look similar ashamed.

"What?" Ask his mother shocked and looks at Ben bewildered. "I didn't feel anything in the force..."

Ben doesn't care that she will yell at him hoarse for even trying his stupid plan. He just wants to be with her.

"Mom..." Ben asks to be picked up and she does his bidding. He listens to her heart beat and smiles sadly.

 _Just want to stay here forever...why can't I just do that? Why must everything be so complicated?_  
"Are you just going to jump through hyperspace each time you feel our son is unwell?" His father is tiny bit annoyed over have been startled by her like that, so soon after Ben scared him by not being where he was supposed to be.

_That would be awesome! If she could I wouldn't mind that...much..going to uncle..again..._

"As much as I would like that, I'm afraid I can't," says his mother and dashes his hopes away but hugs him close instead. "Are you okay? Why did you come back soon?"

"He decided to put a little disappearance act on us," says his father vexed.

Chewie growls angrily. " _He was supposed to be fast asleep but when I checked up on him, he was gone! That little..."_ Chewie's voice trails off as he shakes his fist at Ben in his mother's embrace.

His father grabs his fist. "Chewie...remember our deal."

The deal was simple, be nice to Ben or our partnership is over. Ben thinks it is a bit too harsh as he understands why Chewie can't fully trust him yet.

Chewie however has not forgotten those simple terms. " _Of course, I'm just mad that he left without a word."_

"Understandable. I was mad as well." His father frowns at Ben.

_I guess I can kiss my toy saber goodbye..._

"We nearly left without him." Rey seems very sad thinking of that possibility, probably because her own family left her behind and overturns the crater Ben hid in and points at it. "He was hiding in this."

"Hiding?" His mother looks between the crater and him. "Why?"

When he doesn't answer her, she puts him down on the crater that used to be his hiding place.

"Ben, that was very naughty, scaring them like that." She lifts his chin up with one finger, forcing him to make eye contact with her. "How could you do something like that?!"

"I'm so afraid..." mutters Ben and rubs his arms.

Rey, Chewie and his father look at lost how to comfort him, while his mother at least tries.

"Sweetie, what are you so afraid of?"

"He will yell at me."

"Who? Your dad...?" asks his mother surprised and look at his father who waves his hands defensively.

"Don't look at me. Chewie?"

Chewie shrugs. " _I already did..."_

"No, I mean uncle...he will lecture me to death for turning to the darkside and...well...killing all his pupils...," says Ben is a small voice, so quiet that they can barely hear him and have to lean close to him.

There is really no reason for him to whisper as they are the only ones there, as everyone else is either away or inside the base, but Ben feel it is still necessary, as he is ashamed of admitting it outloud that this does worry him somewhat.

His mother and father exchange amused looks while Chewie and Rey look unsure of how to react to, what they must think is his biggest fear.

"Sweetie, you can't really be afraid of that..." says his mother in a mild voice.

"I hate yelling...," says Ben sadly.

"Nobody likes yelling," agrees his father.

"But it wouldn't really be fair for you to get all the scolding for something you don't even remember doing...do you remember anything?" asks his mother gently, as if he had not slaughtered his uncle's pupils but only stolen all of his uncle's favorite cookies when he was sleepwalking.

Ben shakes his head. "No...very little."

He shivers when remembering that particular glimpse of memory, the one on the rainy battlefield and he quickly shakes it away.

Rey looks at him worried while Chewie watches him carefully. Only his father seems to know about his true fears, as he fold his arms and says: "But, there is something else. You told me before your real fear...remember."

_Yes, my...real...fear..._

His mother looks at him with a worried gaze. "What is it sweetie?"

Ben takes a deep breath.

_Here I go..._

"I...what if I turn back...what if this was all one plan just to get to uncle to...kill him...?" He meets his mother gaze, who gets silent for a while as she takes this in.

Rey and Chewie look shocked over that revelation and brace themselves as if that is about to happen.

"Mom...?" Ben asks.

_I hope she will now see what a terrible, terrible idea this is..._

"Leia, do you really think there any possibility of that happening?" Asks his father worriedly. "If it is, maybe we shouldn't go..." His voice trails off but his mother only shakes her head.

"I'm so sorry, but we can't answer whether or not that is true. But, look at this way. How would you kill him? With your toy saber?" She points at the toy in his belt.

For one horrible moment, Ben imagines his uncle slicing his toy saber way too easily in half with his lightsaber. However Ben would never let anything that horrendous happen to his precious toy so he will not even try to use that.

"I could forcechocke him...," admits Ben, remembering how easily he could do that to the annoying rebel.

His father, Rey and Chewie gasp in surprise and outrage but his mother only frowns at him.

"You will do no such thing or I will ground you for life, understand?"

"Yes, son. You don't want to risk it," says his father as that threat alone would keep the darkness at bay in him.

 _But would they? They didn't even ground me for turning to the dark side or killing all the pupils in the first place..oh, that must be since that technically wasn't my fault. I wonder if mom would put my adult self in cornertime if she ever got a hold of him?_ Ben snickers over that silly image but at the same time feels bad for laughing at him, as this is or was still him though he doesn't feel it is...

_So confused..._

"Okay...Rey would probably stop me...she's formidable opponent." Ben nods his head to Rey, who points at herself in confusion.

"Me...? Oh, you mean the vision...of course I would stop you." Rey pat his head as if he had not just talked about trying to kill his uncle and instead of something much more innocent, like tumbling down a hill.

_Does no one takes this seriously? Hello, I used to be very dangerous...though I don't look like it now..._

"Well will stop you," says his father firmly.

Chewie growls in agreement.

_Good, at least they understand the threat...unlike my mother and Rey...who have forgotten how dangerous I am because of how I look now...despite my real display of power in the rebel base..._

"Feel better now?" Ask his mother and runs warmly a hand through his hair, as if he had just told them he had cold but not that he could possibly try to kill her brother...again.

"A little...I'm sorry for scaring you..." Ben looks pleading at his father who picks him up and embraces him. "It's not your fault for being scared...we all are..." He rubs his back in comforting manner.

_I'm really not in trouble...?_

"So, I'm not in trouble? For running away...again? Technically I was hiding, not running..." His voice trails off, as he not sure which is worse or whether admitting that he was hiding would get him in even more trouble.  
"Just don't ever do that again. This was your last chance. Understood?" His father puts him back on the crate, which makes Ben feel a little better as it makes him feel bigger and not as overwhelmed by everything.

" _Last chance," growls Chewie._

"Never again, Benny." Rey frowns at him sternly and his mother does as well as she doesn't need any words to scold him further.

"Okay..." He says hesitantly.

_I doubt I could run far away from uncle's place anyway...unless stealing a ship...but I would never do that...would I? But I could use an escape pod...before we even arrive..._

"Ben, whatever you're are thinking about right now, stop it." His mother scolds him while the rest of the family remains clueless about his planning and look puzzled at him.

_Busted...again..._

"Yes mom." He hangs his head, puzzling the rest of his family even more but they decide not to delve further into it and instead his mother asks gently:"Are you ready to go now?"

"We won't leave until you're ready," affirms his father.

"Benny, it's not good to postpone things. We are here for you." Rey puts a comforting hand on his shoulder and smiles at him.  
" _What she said,"_ grumbles Chewie albeit reluctantly.

_Why haven't they given up on me yet...? I can't keep on disappoint them... I guess I must swallow my fears and just...do it..._

Ben jumps of the crater. "I guess so...I must find out why I turned to the darkside...it must be linked to the appearance of the First Order six years ago."

His mother stiffens and turns away from him.

"What?" Ben looks at his father, who looks guilty for some reason. Rey and Chewie look surprised over their reaction as well.

His mother turns back to him and rubs her hands together nervously. "Ben, there is something I have to tell you...about the First Order."

"What is that?" Ben asks albeit apprehensively.

_More dark secrets...? I hope it has nothing to do with me..._

His mother takes a deep breath before saying:"The First Order was not just founded six years ago..."

* * *

"What...but you said?!" yells Ben.

_More lies...? I can't believe it! More lies!_

His mother sits down on the crater he had just vacated. Suddenly she looks so frazzled, so old that is scares him and deflates his boiling anger.

"Mom...?"

She turns to him, her eyes filled with sorrow as she takes his little hands in hers, as if she feels guilty for not having been able to protect him better. "It was originally the Empire...it just changed its name and hid in the shadows," says mother sadly.

"The Empire...the empire you, dad, uncle, Chewie, Threepio, Artoo and even granddad, though he was part of it, helped to take down?" Ask Ben in surprise and looks between his mother, father and Chewie that hang their head.

His mother nods. "Yes."

Rey looks sad as well, though she doesn't understand the full meaning behind those words but then one particular word catches her attention and she asks: "Grandad?"

"Darth Vader," says Ben casually, even though that name alone makes the hairs stand up on their ends of his father, mother and most noticeable on Chewie.

"Oh...of course...what!? So when that rebel said you were Lord Vader's grandson...he meant it...literally?" Rey's eyes go wide as if she is seeing Ben for the first time.

Ben nods slowly, as if he still doesn't believe it. His parents look guilty for keeping the truth from him while Chewie looks annoyed being reminded of it.

"No wonder you turned to the darkside." Rey shakes her head in disbelief.

_It can't be that simple..._

His parents and Chewie share the same views.

However Chewie and his father only frown at her while his mother yells furiously:"Why is that no wonder? He didn't even know the truth until six years ago...that is his adult self..." His mother adds the last part, when she sees how Rey must be trying to picture four year old Ben knowing the truth instead of closer to thirty.

_Rey probably thinks of us a two separate persons...that's a relief. That's explains how easily she could get used to me like this..._

"But the empire it never...went away...?" Ben asks to change the subject, as he knows how much it pains his parents to speak about Vader and decides to tell Rey about him at a later time and although this is also a painful subject, he must know the the truth about the First Order...his old workplace...

His mother shakes her head. "No."

"Despite all your hard work?" Ben feels a righteous rage over how his parent's, family and friends sacrifices were all in vain.

_I'm so going to destroy the First Order!_

"I'm afraid so..it was a huge shock for us as well when we found out...six years ago." His mother looks at his father and Chewie who nod grimly.

Rey must feels the tension in the air as she looks sorrowful as well.

_But why the lies..._

"Why did you lie to me?" Ben glowers at his mother. His father and Chewie look guilty while Rey looks shocked over the rage he displays, as she has no idea how so much of his life was based on a lie.

_I thought she wasn't going to lie to me anymore!_

His mother goes on defence immediately, she stands up and takes his shoulder in order for him to calm down. "I didn't lie...not exactly, though I'm sorry for it all the same...I just didn't know how to explain such a horrible thing to you...it was such a shock for us. You had enough on your mind at that time...and it is really complicated, politically, corruption in the senate...and such. Things you wouldn't understand...but this information is important for you to know as you try to find out why you turned. But I will never lie to you again. I promise, okay sweetie?" She lifts his chin up.

_I guess mother has always had my best interest a heart, that she never ever lied to me to hurt me in any way. And I guess she will be forced to lie some more as I'm still too young to understand everything...and just have to accept that there will still be lies...even though it hurts...as long as I get the truth in the end..._

He looks her straight in the eyes. "I believe you."

His mother embraces him. "Thank you." She lets go of him and wipes her eyes of unshed tears. Now, you really should get going..."

"Oh, thank the maker, you came back!" Threepio walks over to them with his slow pace but tries to hurry as much as he can, crossing the distance to them at a record speed.

* * *

_Threepio...if he noticed us returning...did someone else? Or maybe everyone just decided to leaves us alone with our family drama after I pretty must lost it in the rebel base...I hope so..._

"Threepio? What do you want?" Asks his father annoyed, as if it's Threepio's fault they had to come back but not Ben's.

_I wonder, if he has at last figured out the truth..._

"Artoo is aboard the Falcon resting, didn't you said goodbye yet?" Asks his mother, as Threepio had already bid farewell to them all along with the rest of the rebel base.

Rey looks surprised as well over his arrival but Chewie hugs Threepio warmly and growls affectionately.

Ben had listened to their heartfelt farewell from inside the crater, with none the wiser, having carefully hid his force signature from his mom and Rey, as the Falcon flew into the sky. He thought he was really in the clear, until he thought his heart would stop when he heard how the ship suddenly go into reverse and returned speedily back to the base to retrieve him, after everyone had left back inside.

"Yes, I love you too Chewbaca. Everyone does...but I must admit that I have not said proper goodbye to my counterpart...it's really hard to be separated from him the minute we are reunited...but I understand that he must be returned to master Luke again...but that's not why I am here..." Threepio at last gets loose from the wookie's embrace.

"Why then? Spit it out you..." His father shakes his fist at Threepio but this mother stops him with a warning glare.

"Han, not in front of Ben."

"Sorry..."

Ben just shakes his head.

_Dad, he's our friend...be nice._

"Well, I must admit it is because of your...new...young charge." Threepio nods his head at Ben.

"What about him?" His father grabs Ben protectively as if Threepio had any intention of hurting him.

Rey at last seems to grasp on what the old family droid wants with them and bites her lower lip in worry.

Threepio leans over Ben as he starts to ramble: "I'm just really really confused..."

His father huffs. "That's nothing new."

His mother glares at him. "Han, let him finish."

Chewie growls at him as well.

"Sorry." His father hangs his head.

Rey listens attentively to the old droid.

"Yes, it is true that I am often in that kind of a state but...I'm terribly sorry but I just must know...you see, first Artoo said some remarkable things. He said you look just like Ben Solo when he was young, that is to say their real son. But that isn't that surprising as you are both wearing his old clothes and you bear the same name now and BB-8 flat out said that you were changed Kylo Ren..which is impossible..." Threepio inspects Ben carefully. "I don't understand why Artoo and BB-8 are mocking me like that...I thought we were friends...don't they know much I miss my young master? How much it broke me when he turned to the darkside, just like my...my maker. And I thought you were master Luke's son...oh, I will short circuit if I don't get the truth soon..." He shakes his head bewildered.

_He knew I turned...I wasn't sure he would ever get to know that...poor Threepio...I don't want to lie to him anymore..._

"Shouldn't we tell him the truth?" Asks his mother before Ben can ask that same question and is happy that his mother at least, decided not to lie any more to their old friend, despite her often lying to him.

His father sighs moves Ben forward and says to their old droid as if that would explain everything: "This is Ben."

"Yes, I'm aware that is his name. I wasn't aware of that master Luke had a son. I still hurt that he didn't tell me..."

"No, this is Ben Solo…our real son," his mother embraces Ben tightly, as if she still can't believe they got him back.

Threepio looks even more confused. "I'm afraid I can't understand…isn't he at least in his thirties now? There is now way for him to be a child."

"We are as confused as you are but that still doesn't make it untrue." His father smirks.

"The force works in a mysterious way." His mother grins.

"It's it true." Ben adds to say something.

"I saw him change myself," Rey adds helpfully.

" _Me too,"_  growls Chewie.

At last the meaning of their words seems to sink into the program of their old friend.

Threepio's eyes seem to grow bigger. "Ben...Solo? But didn't he turn into...?"

"Threepio!" Shouts his father warningly.

"What mister Solo?" Ask Threepio surprised.

"Don't go blabbering about that." His father frowns at him.

Ben looks around for anyone in base who could possible be outside and not been allowed to know the truth. To his annoyance, he sees two men now oil free, plus one droid walking outside the base, but as they already know the truth there is no danger of them overhearing something they don't know already. He hopes that they will just go on work on the x-wing or whatever they are doing outside and leave them be, but no such luck as suddenly they take notice of them and walk and roll in their direction for some reason, most likely just keep on annoying him in some way.

His mother, Rey and Chewie have also seen the inseparable duo now trio, crossing over to them and as they have no idea that all of them, not just one of them knows the truth they sush at Threepio as well, though he has already shut up.

"But I...I don't understand anything." Threepio sits down on the overturned crater in defeat. "I need to know more to understand..."

"This was Kylo Ren." Poe stops before them alongside Finn and BB-8 and says it like it's a statement but not a question or whether or not it's true. He holds his pilot helmet under one of his arms.

_Was...? He still doesn't think of me as him...that's a relief...ah that explains why he could pet me so easily...and fool around with me...but what's he doing here?! Can't he leave me alone?_

* * *

"Poe." His mother panics. "How much did you hear? When did you find out...? Weren't you just playing around with my son...?" She looks between him and Ben who glares at him.

_What's his game? Why is he so obsessed with me? Is he really spy?_

Poe nods his head at Finn beside him. "Finn told me."

Rey's eyes widen in surprise and then in fury. "Finn, how could you?!"

" _Traitor!"_  Growls Chewie and is about to hit him but his father stops him with word alone. "It's okay, Chewie, we knew, they knew. That is Ben and I."

His mother, Rey and Chewie look in surprise at father and son.

"You knew?" Rey asks puzzled.

" _How?"_ growls Chewie.

"And you didn't tell me...?" Ask his mother in dangerous voice to his father.

"There wasn't time," admits his father in a hurry.

His mother frowns at him. "You have to tell me everything before you leave again."

"Of course." His father nods his head.

_Everything...? You never tell me...everything...but I understand now...that is not even possible..._

His mother turns to Ben with a worried gaze. "So this is why you were so afraid to be left alone with him. I'm sorry, I had no idea but I would've never left you if I felt you were in any danger. Believe me."

Ben nods. "I believe you."

_But you must trust me as well when I pick up on a potential danger. I'm not just a kid..._

"Why did you think I was going to kidnap you? Sure, you are adorable and all..but why would I bring you back to the First Order? They can get their own cute kid...but I guess they have enough of them trained to stormtroopers, those jerks." Poe shakes his head grimly.

"They are big jerks." Finn nods grimly.

"I thought you and Finn...and BB-8 were spies," admits Ben, startling everyone present.

"A spy?! Finn jumps and looks around as if he excepting a spy to appear.

Poe looks at him in disbelief. "A spy? Why would I have gone through everything for that map to your uncle, if I was a spy?"

_Actually, a spy puts themselves through a lot in order to keep the disguise...you idiot..._

"BB-8 a spy...?" Threepio looks bewildered at BB-8 who chirps something furiously, probably a defence.

"How else could you get so easily away from the First Order?" Ben frowns at them.

Poe turns to Finn.

"I betrayed the First Order when I rescued him. I never going back there."  
"Neither am I," says Ben a challenging voice as if Finn, Poe or BB-8 were thinking of bringing him back. All his family nods in agreement.

"You're not going to tell anyone? It is true that he is our son...our real son," says his mother pleadingly.

"I figured as much. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone...I understand you have to protect your family." Poe smiles and his mother exhales relieved. "Thanks Poe. I knew I could count on you."

"Anytime." Poe nods his head.

_So he's not a spy...or is he trying to fool us...?_

"Why are you here?" Ben keeps on interrogating him and tries to invade his mind, like he had done once but only ends up staring intently at him.

"Ben, what are you doing?" Ask his mother sternly and his father, Rey, Chewie, Threepio, Finn and even BB-8 look surprised at him.

"Nothing..." Ben lies and stops at once trying to invade Poe's mind who only laughs at him and says: "You're too cute."

_Argh...it would be so easy if I could just get the truth this way...what do you want from me?!_

"I just came to say proper goodbye to you Ben and Finn to Rey. Since you were so nice to come back for some reason." Poe answers him without any interrogation, blinks him teasingly and adds: "You see, I have an important message for you."

"Me?"

_Why does Poe want to say goodbye to me...? A message? What's he planning? He called me Ben...?_

His family looks surprised as well, only Finn seems to know what he's talking about but before Ben gets the important message, Threepio comes, so to speak, back to life.

He stands up and put his hands on the hip in a stern manner. "Young master...why didn't you tell me the truth!? BB-8 told me."

BB-8 chirps something that is probably, you're welcome.

"We had to keep it a secret, sorry Threepio..." says Ben shamefully. "I never wanted to lie to you..."

His family shrugs in somewhat agreement but the old droid can't stay mad too long.

"I...I can't believe you're back! And like this...how did this happen?"

"No one knows, that's why they are going to see if Luke has any idea," answers his mother.

His father, Chewie and Rey just nods.

"I wonder if we could turn all of the First Order into children?" Poe asks Finn.

"It certainly would make the rebellion go a lot smoother." Finn smirks.

BB-8 chirps in something that sounds like an agreement.

_Jerks...oh...maybe that's not such a bad idea..._

His mother, father and Rey seems to think so too, but Threepio isn't as interested in a speedy revolution.

"I see...I will have to get the whole story from you some day. I'm at least glad to...have you back." Threepio embraces him and ruffles his hair.

_Even Threepio has started touching my hair...did it get ultra smooth in my transformation or something...? Maybe there is a magnet in it...?_

But the only thing Ben says outloud is: "I'm glad to be back...I promise, I will tell you everything when I get back..."

"Thank you sir. I guess I will use the opportunity to say a proper goodbye to my counterpart. Have a save journey." Threepio waves a goodbye.

"Threepio, remember this is a family secret. The only one who know this beside the family are Finn, Poe and BB-8, no one else is supposed to know anything," says his mother firmly.

_So many that know my secret..._

"It's a matter of safety," says his father and frowns at Threepio, daring him to object in anyway.

Rey and Chewie agree.

"Of course, your secret is safe with me." Threepio nods his head.

_Hmm...can I really trust him...well it's worth a try...at least he know now..._

"Thanks Threepio. Take good care of yourself." Ben waves at him and Threepio waves back.

"Artoo, who would've guessed that you were right the whole time...?" Threepio shakes his head while boarding the Falcon.

* * *

"It still doesn't change the fact that what you did was wrong Finn, telling his secret like that, I thought we were in this together," rebukes Rey, Finn.

"Rey, I didn't trust him at that time...I'm sorry but I don't think I ever will trust him completely. I've tried looking at him as a just small innocent child...with soft hair...very soft hair..." Finn shakes his head to drive the longing to pet him away. "But I just can't...not yet anyway...you saw what happened...he can be dangerous...we have to be very careful."

"I understand...though it hurts...," says Ben.

"Finn, he's so adorable, how can you say things like that?" Poe shakes his head, BB-8 chirps something angrily at Finn while his parents and Chewie frown at him, though Chewie can't really talk considering his past treatment of Ben.

"Yes, you have to stop acting like this. He's my kid brother now and I won't allow you to hurt him in any way." Rey embraces Ben protectively.

_Aww...that's nice of you...much better than you trying to kill me...I guess I've earned her...love...sibling love...I mean!_

"I won't hurt an innocent child, I'm not a bastard. I wish that he will have a happy life from now on, despite who he once was..." Finn nods his head unsmiling, despite his warm words.

_Well...I did not except that..._

"Thanks...Finn...likewise...and you Poe...and umm BB-8, thanks for keeping my secret..." Ben turns up his childish charms, melting everyone present...not literally though that would be very bad.

"But don't you still owe the rebellion the truth?" Finn asks his mother, who gets a sad look and shakes her head. "It's too dangerous...I can't risk it..."

His father, Chewie and Rey agree by nodding their heads.

"Finn, it's not like anyone would believe her, I hardly believe it either and it's really not worth risking it, it could bring some unnecessary hate and put him in danger...besides it was worth the keeping the truth just to see former Kylo Ren being put in a timeout..." Poe snickers.

"Yeah, it was," admits Finn.

BB-8 chirps in surprise and then something that sound awfully lot like, how Artoo chuckled at him for hiding the map from him.

"That was not funny!" Ben pouts. "And you two already laughed at me."

"And you got your revenge for it, so we are even." Poe blinks him.

"What revenge?" His father asks and he and Chewie look at Ben who is in Rey's embrace, who is also worried, as they are all probably expecting and dreading that it was something darkside related, but before he has to clarify it in anyway, his mother says:"Oh now I understand the oil bath."

BB-8 look surprised at his owner and Finn, not seeing a speck of an oil drop left on them.

_I wonder if they showered together...not that there is anything strange about that..._

"Oil bath...?" His father, Chewie and Rey look surprised at Ben, eager to know more but he doesn't want to talk more about it and thankfully Poe interjects before he has to.

"Just promise me one thing, little Ben." Poe leans over him while he's still in Rey's embrace.

"Yes..? And I'm not that little..." Ben snarls at him.

_This must be the important message, he was talking about..._

"Don't turn into that son of a bitch again, are we clear?"

_Son of a...bitch...he better not be talking about mom..._

"Yes...don't want to either..."  
"Good." Poe smiles, puts on his pilot helmet and then decides at the last minute to ruffle his hair. "You know, you're adorable like this. Maybe you shouldn't change back. You could be the mascot of the rebels."

_Stop touching my hair! Maybe that's why was wearing a mask...and hood, everyone at the First Order was always ruffling my hair...and that's why I always in a bad mood and slicing up control panels as I was so sick of it or did I miss it, since now people couldn't do that as easily? Maybe that Snoke jerk told me to wear these things so no one but he...brr...could do it. But why did I take my mask of for Rey, did I want her to touch my hair...but she never did then...? Nothing makes sense..._

"I don't want to be mascot!" Ben moves away from under his palm after way too long patting, but doesn't get very far as Rey's is still holding him close. "I would rather be a Jedi again! And I don't want to change back either!"

Poe just laughs and pets him once again. "You're too cute like this. Have a save journey." He nods his farewell and boards his x-wing with BB-8.

"Thank you, we will," answers his father for him while Rey and Chewie nod their thanks.

"And you as well," calls his mother. "Be very careful out there!"

"I will." Poe nods his last farewell.

"Bye Poe!" Finn waves sadly after him, as the x-wing takes off but then he turns to look longing at Ben's hair.

Ben sighs. "You can pet me...for a bit..."

_This is somewhat better than him hating him...maybe I should wear a hood again so people won't be as tempted to touch my hair...all the kriffing time..._

Finn smiles happily and tousles his hair.

"But not for too long..." says Ben but Finn ignores him and instead turns to Rey.

"Rey...can I speak to you for a minute...before you leave? I didn't really get to say proper goodbye before..." He asks in shy voice while petting Ben like he's a kitten in Rey's embrace.

Rey turns to their parents. "Can I...we are friends...?"

_Just friends...? Are you blind...? Stupid adults..._

"Of course, we are in no hurry..." Their mother turns to their father and he shrugs his shoulders.

"I guess, it's not like Luke is even excepting us..."

_So why can't we just make him wait as long as it takes...for well ever?_

Their mother turns back to her and smiles. "Then it will be a big surprise for him. I also have to speak some more with my husband and...your brother before you go."

"Thanks..." Rey finally lets go of Ben and looks timidly at their parents. "What I'm supposed to call you now...?"

"What do you want to call us?" Ask their father.

"Father..." Rey says it like she's testing the word out, but that one word from her mouth, brings forth a bad memory in Ben's mind, when he was interrogating her, from the time images flooded his mind as he invaded hers.

" _And Han Solo. You feel like he's the father you never had. He would've disappointed you."_

"Ben covers his ears, to shut out the darkness in his soul.

_Shut up..._

"You can do that." Their father nods and as ever with no clue about the internal struggle within his son.

"Of course." Their mother does as well, clueless as well.

Rey hugs him and then goes to Leia. "Mother."

Leia opens her embrace and they hug.

"Chewie." Rey says and Chewie opens up his embrace.

Rey then, to finish the hug festival, gives Ben one last and long hug and of course ruffles his hair: "Little brother." Before she goes off with Finn to say a proper goodbye to him before leaving for the Island for real...this time.

* * *

"Have you put all your fear to rest now, son?" Ask his father when they have boarded the Falcon and once again Ben sits at the holochess table, where his strange journey began, where all his world had suddenly changed.

Chewie grumbles when reminded of the "Family artwork" but doesn't say anything, as his father had already explained what it was and even told him he could add his marks as well as Rey sometime, but Chewie had respectfully declined that offer. He stands to the side, alongside his father, like he's ready to catch Ben if he decided to bolt again. Threepio had left some time ago and Artoo is resting not far away. Rey is still talking to Finn outside.

"Are you ready to go now?" Asks his mother who sits beside Ben in the sofa and runs a hand through his hair.

_No...but I know I can't avoid this forever...but I still so...scared...nothing has really been answered...just guesses...about everything..._

"But...what...if I turn again...to the darkside?" He whispers it into the dim light of the chess table, as if by saying it any louder would make it come true.

_I was so close in the rebel base...it's too easy for me..._

His mother and Chewie look at loss how to answer that heavy question while his father leans over the chess table and says with great determination. "You will not turn again son, over my dead body."

Ben screams, startling his family greatly, as memory from when he was about to stab his father hits him full force. He gets deadly pale and grabs his head in panic.

_No, not this memory...vision...not now...not ever!_

"What's wrong?" Ask his mother and feels for his temperature but he moves away from her care.

"I.." He stutters.

"What, Ben...?" Asks his father worried.

"Ben?" His mother reaches for him.

Chewie even growls at him something worriedly he doesn't catch.

_I can't tell..no...I can't..._

Ben moves quickly from his mother's grasp and hides under the chess table.

"Ben, you have to tell us what is wrong," says his father sternly.

"Ben, sweetie..." plead his mother.

"I...dad..." Ben looks pleading at his father who just nod his head in encouragement. "Go on..."

_Please don't make me say it..._

"I...meant to kill you..." Ben shuts his eyes and waits for everything to explode.

"What?! When?" His mother screech and Chewie growls at him. " _I KNEW IT! See, I told you was dangerous! I was right along! We have to be really careful of him...!"_

"Chewie, stop. I know what could've happened. You are talking about on the catwalk...aren't you?"

Ben opens his eyes in surprise and meet his father stern gaze.

_He knew? Why then didn't he get as far as away from me as possible?!_

"Yes...but I fought the dark side and ended up like this..." Ben answers pitifully.

_Wait...what...that is what happened?_

Ben feels that the words he spoke are indeed true.

_Then there was nothing sinister behind my change but the opposite...the light saved...me? The light but not the dark...was behind my change?_

"Not a bad trade." His father smirks, pulls him from under the table and sits down with him in the sofa, beside his mother. He ruffles Ben's hair playfully.

 _But isn't he angry? That I tried to...?_ Ben inspects his small hands.  _But because I fought it...I ended up like this..._

He looks between his parents. "I remember now...that is why I changed...it was the light but not the dark...that saved me."

"The light saved you..." says his mother in utter bewilderment.

"I knew nothing so adorable could come from the darkside." His father hugs him close while Chewie looks shocked by all that information.

" _You fought...the urge from darkside to...kill your father? And that's why you changed..?"_

"Yes," confesses Ben since at last he got the answer as to why he changed. Now the only thing was left was why the change did happen, for what purpose...? Was there even a purpose?

Chewie looks stunned. " _I had...no...idea...everything...makes sense...now...I have to be alone for a while..."_ He leaves in hurry, looking physically ill.

_Poor Chewie...he had no idea either...none of us did...I sure didn't..._

"Why did you try to kill your father?" Ask his mother as sternly as if he had only forgotten to do his homework or answered an exam question incorrectly.

_Isn't she more angry...?_

"Snok...said it would make me stronger...," once again Ben feels that words he speaks are true, though the doesn't know the full story behind them, only glimpses of a memory he doesn't care to remember more of. Only one thing matters to him, as he looks nervously at his father who looks deep in thought.

_Now he will certainly disown me...what a horrible horrible reason for doing something like that..._

But the only thing his father says is: "Well, you're not taking more orders from from that bastard, understood?"

A huge weight is lifted from his heart when he hears that.

_He doesn't...hate me...after all..._

"Yes, of course father...I have had visions of your death..." Ben admits in small voice.

_I better tell them everything..._

"That's horrible," says his mother horrified.

"Poor thing...but I'm not going anywhere. Not this time." His father hugs him closer, but Ben continues in a serious and sad voice: "I also had visions of my own death...or near..I think was meant to die on the Star Killer base."

"Die...?" His mother inspects his pulse as if she checking to see if he's still alive.

"Die...how...? Because of Rey...? No, I don't need to know...it won't happen and I don't care about things that could've happened and we both agreed, that you don't care either," says his father sternly and Ben dips his head. "Yes."

_I understand now what all this must be..._

"So I could have lost...you both...?" His mother looks so tortured, dragging Ben swiftly from his thoughts.

_Poor mom! And all because of...me..._

"I'm afraid so..." His father dips his head, as if he still taking in all that information but his mother doesn't give him an opportunity to think deeper about that, as she hugs him.

"Han...thanks for bringing our son home."

His father smiles and leans closer to her in the grouphug. "My pleasure."

Ben smiles sadly and revels in the moment.

_...a second chance to make things right..._

* * *

_Where am I...is this another nightmare? Another memory? I thought I was finally nightmare free!_

_Ben groans as he looks around in an unknown dark corridor, excepting to see his masked or unmasked self appear at every minute, but to his surprise he sees Rey instead where she moves into a dark, small and vaulted storage._

_Ben follows after her and sees old treasures line the floors and walls, but none of it seem to interest Rey who from some reason is drawn to old wooden box on a table._

_Rey moves to it, unsure and afraid and Ben feels a great energy coming inside that box that must be calling out to her. BB-8 nervously follows after her._

_Ben has a bad feeling about this and shouts: "No, Rey, don't touch that box! Never touch a strange things! It could be a darkside artifact! That's what uncle Luke always told me!"_

_But Rey doesn't heed his warning in anyway, she doesn't even seem to hear him as she reaches out, very slowly, to touch the box and opens it._

_Inside is Luke's original lightsaber but Ben can tell because of its force signature._

_Uncle Luke saber...what's it doing here? Where is here anyway?_

_Rey, who is still driven either by curiosity or something else, can't resist touching the saber. As her hand makes contact with it, she and Ben hears the piercing sound of a lightsaber igniting._

_He jumps up in fright while she moves her hand quickly away and they both hear a mechanical breathing sound...a sound Ben knows all too well, after endlessly studying holos of him...while searching for the truth..._

_Darth Vader...here...how can I even have a memory...or she of him?_

_Behind them is suddenly a different hallway, a hallway Ben reconices from old holos._

_Cloud City...? This is the place where uncle fought Vader and got to know the truth..._

_Disembodied voices fill the air, a young girl screams no and Rey looks around, confused by all that she hears and sees, while Ben tries to calmly analyze everything, though he's as perplexed as she is._

" _Rey, it's okay. It's just a vision. It can't hurt you in any way." He tries to calm her down and even though he knows she can't hear him, he must at least try. He can't just ignore her and it also helps to calm him down to speak to her._

_Of course Rey doesn't hear him and she turns and see through a doorway. She runs down the corridor with Ben running behind her, but suddenly the doorway tilts and turns as they both land on a wall, which is now ground, dried grass._

" _Where are we now?" He asks._

_As before Rey doesn't answer, as she doesn't seem to be able to hear him. She turns to look and sees a burning temple at night. Artoo is watching the flames and man appears with hidden face neither Ben or Rey can see._

_Uncle Luke?_

_He falls to his knees, reaches out to Artoo with a mechanical right hand._

_Rain begins to fall as day turns to night and Rey looks up as a warrior is stabbed by a fiery lightsaber. The man falls to the ground and Ben sees they are in a nighttime battlefield and for the first time in the vision he becomes scared as he knows exactly what battlefield this is._

_Oh, no! Not, this memory! Not now!_

_Rey gets to her feet and is frightened at what she sees. All of sudden his masked self are visible and six other who flank him and are kinda dressed in a similar way to him._

_No! I don't want to see more of this! Get me out of here!_

_Whether Ben's wish is fulfilled or the memory just stopped there, Rey is soaking wet as the rain stop and the sunlight illuminates her in different place...and time..._

_They turn back and see a little girl, sobbing hysterical while holding the meaty hand of someone or something._

_Is this Rey...?_

_She on a desert planet, Ben thinks must be Jakku, watching a starship flying into the sky, leaving her behind._

_The little girl that most likely is Rey yells in desperation:"No, come back!"_

_The man holding her hand shouts at her to be quiet._

" _Hey, come back! You jerks!" Ben yells after the starship and picks up grain of hot sand and throws it after the ship, or in the direction of the ship._

" _How could you leave her like that?!" He yells furiously after the ship as it flies towards the desert sun, which is strangely eclipsed, as if being eaten by darkness._

_Dark...ness...? She know's someone who turned to the dark...side? Beside me...?_

_Rey and Ben look around and see they are this time, in a nighttime in barren snowy woods. Poor Rey looks like she's losing her mind, confounded and lost she gets to her feet and Ben is exhausted at well, after been thrown around in the memories or visions, that aren't even his own._

_Ben can see their breaths in the frigid air when out of the bluke he hears again clashing of lightsabers like in the beginning of the vision. Rey moves through the woods with Ben close behind, toward the sound, with her heart pounding when suddenly his masked self emerges from behind a tree startling her._

_Oh, no you don't!_

_Ben jumps protectively in front of her and shouts at his masked self: "Leave my sister alone!"_

_Rey screams in fright over the sudden appearance of his masked self and falls back along with Ben out of the vision._

* * *

_Rey and Ben fall back, out of the room. Rey sits in hall out of breath, alarmed and perplexed._

_They hear something and turn to look and a small alien, somewhat familiar walks towards them._

_Is that Maz? The one who found uncle Luke's saber?_

" _What was that? I shouldn't have gone in there." Rey asks her, frightened out of her mind._

" _That lightsaber was Luke's._   _And his father before him and now, it call to you!" Maz exclaims happily as if that explain the vision Rey just had._

_Why does uncle's saber call out to Rey? What do all those visions mean?_

_Rey gets quickly up in her feet. She still look overwhelmed by everything. "I have to go back to Jakku."_

_Ben gets sinking feeling in his stomach. This is where...she doesn't know that her family is never coming back...she's in for quite a shock..._

" _Han told me." Max reaches out and takes Rey's hand." Dear child. I see your eyes. You_

_already know the truth. Whomever you're waiting for on Jakku, they're never coming back. But... there's someone who still could."_

_Poor, Rey this is the time she got to know the truth about them never returning..._

" _Luke." Rey breathes out as if that is the truth to everything._

_Huh? Does she know uncle?_

" _The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead. I am no Jedi, but I know the Force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing." Maz close her eyes. "Close your eyes. Feel it. The light. It's always been there. It will guide you..."_

_Not that Jedi nonsense again..._

" _The saber. Take it." Maz open her eyes again._

" _I'm never touching that again. I don't want any part of this." Rey runs off, passing Maz and BB-8 follows her._

_Ben is left behind while Maz sighs as she watches her go and seems to feel something for Rey, as if she knows more than she lets on..._

* * *

_Ben is beyond puzzled. What was all that? When suddenly the hallway changes into the snowy woods he has often seen before and hears his unmasked self drawl:"This lightsaber. It belongs to me!"_

_And Finn voice shout: "Come get it."_

_No! why must I watch this what if fight again! I have no reason to! Finn and I are friends now...kind of..._

_As if to answer Ben's question the fight goes on fast forward, moving speedily through the whole fight, right until the moment he strikes the awful blow to Finn's torso, mortally wounding him and where he makes his uncle Luke's lightsaber fly out of Finn's hand and land into the snow far away._

_His unmasked self, reaches for his uncle's lightsaber with the force, it vibrates wildly in the snow but seems to be stuck there so he has to increase the power to his great annoyance. At last his uncle's saber flies out of the snow, bullets toward his unmasked self but for some reason speed way past him._

_His unmasked self turns to see that the saber landed in the hands of Rey, who stand now facing him having reached for it herself with the force but look utterly stunned that it landed in her hands._

_Wow! She is extremely strong in the force! But how come the saber went to her...? Why did it chose her...because of the darkside in me...?_

_Holding it with both hands, Rey ignites the saber with blazing eyes and his unmasked self ignites his in return._

_Oh no...this is the fight where she nearly killed me...help..._

_Rey charges at him, his unmasked self is immediately on the defensive. They battle powerfully and his unmasked self is clearly rocked by her raw, innate skill..._

* * *

Ben wakes up screaming. For some reason big hairy arms are holding him.

" _You're save now, " growls Chewie and hugs him closer._

_Chewie...?_

* * *

_Next up: Luke's Island_


	13. The beginning of a journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet Luke...

 

Ben still feels disoriented after the weird visions or dreams. He remembers faintly how he fell asleep in the sofa after having confided in his parents, about his most horrible what if vision that kept popping up and tormenting him. He had been so exhausted both emotionally and physically, after revealing his dark secret, that he didn't even noticing his mom leaving or that they had started their journey at last. He does remember though that it was parents but not Chewie who had stayed and watched over him until he fell asleep, as Chewie had been too distressed after the truth about his change had been revealed to even stay in the same room as him.

_When did he come back? Was he...watching over me...?_

"Chewie...?" Ben mutters his name in a low voice as if he still thinks this is a part of the dream.

_Isn't he still furious with me? He even knew what I planned on doing..._

Chewie just rocks him in his arms and repeats. " _You're save now...Little Ben."_

Ben has to admit that his heart skips a little beat over hearing again the old nickname Chewie gave him. He didn't even realize how much it hurt him that Chewie hadn't used it, as it kept the distance between them and made everything so unfamiliar, made them feel like strangers instead of old friends.

_I even used to hate that name...or well didn't like it as I got older...and well bigger...he also used to tease me with it for my small size...but now...it feels as if everything is finally getting back to normal..._

"Chewie, you've...for...forgiven me?" Ben grabs his fluffy arm tightly, as if he is afraid that Chewie would leave him if he didn't hold tight on to him, that all of this is part of a yet another dream.

Chewie only hugs him closer, as if he's afraid of the same thing. " _I could finally see how much pain you're in. We are here for you."_

"Thanks...it means the world to me..." Ben leans onto him like he's a pillow with a content smile.

_Everything is right with the world again..._

" _I'm sorry for how I've treated you..."_

Ben lift his head and is surprised to see the huge amount of guilt and sadness in the eyes of his old friend. He waits patiently for him to continue.

" _I...on that catwalk...I felt that you...no Kylo Ren was going to kill your father...and something died inside of me. I guess I was still in shock over what could've happened."_

"I understand." Ben nods his head.

" _But then you said, the reason you changed was because you didn't want to do it...had I know that...I would never have...I thought you were Kylo Ren the entire time, just in disguise waiting for a chance to strike again...to kill your father and destroy the rebellion, so I kind of lashed out...hoping to bring forth Kylo Ren and stop this charade once and for all..."_

"But I'm not him and I will never do that...what happened in the rebel base was a horrible accident..."

Chewie hugs hims him tighter but gently and takes great care in not hurting him by hugging him too tight, as he's known for. " _I'm sorry...I was so afraid to care for you again, in case I would lose you all over...I couldn't go through that again and I was also afraid that you were going to hurt your parents again...and were just using their kindness."_

"I would never do something like that," whispers Ben even though Chewie seems to be confessing but not really caring for Ben's answers as he's only looking for his forgiveness.

Chewie lifts him from his embrace and has him sitting on his lap. " _But I know now that you are indeed your father's son, Ben Solo."_ He takes softly his chin in his paw and looks closely at his face, as if he's inspecting him and seeing who he truly is for the first time.

"And will always be, I promise." Ben smiles sadly and Chewie, lets go of his chin and instead rubs his big paw over his hair, messing it up really badly as it wasn't bad enough because of his bedhair.

" _We will help you stay that way...as you're supposed to be...Little Ben."_ He smiles and Ben realizes that Chewie had not smiled once since he came back, but was always frowning or glaring and always worried.

_This is more like old Chewie..._

"Thanks Chewie." Ben smiles broadly and fixes his hair but before he has chance to make his hair at least somewhat presentable, Chewie slings an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and rubs his head fast with his knuckles teasingly.

"Ah, Chewie stop!"

Chewie finally releases him and grins wildly. " _We finally got you back."_ He nudges Ben's chin, who folds his arms and pouts a little as the state of his hair is a total mess again.

_Why do I even bother fixing my hair...people...and well everyone are just going to mess it up anyway...?_

" _Do you want to play Djekarik battle for old times sake?"_ Asks Chewie, as if he asking for a truce and hand him his hand.

"I would very much like that, thanks." Ben smiles, takes his hand, shakes it and therefor makes the peace offering official.

Chewie lifts him up and puts him opposite him in the sofa as he turns the game on.

* * *

At first Chewie allows him to win, like he always did when he was a kid...well, a younger one. But as the game progresses Chewie actually becomes quite impressed with Ben's gaming technique, which is among other things, thanks to the military experience of his old self and starts to take him more seriously, making the game much more fun and unpredictable.

They play until Chewie's eyelids grow heavy and before Ben knows it, Chewie falls down and is fast asleep in the sofa, snoring loudly.

Ben goes to the crew chamber to fetch a blanket and tucks Chewie into it, even though Chewie probably wouldn't get cold with all that fur, but you never know.

_He's not so young anymore...either._

As there is no way for Ben to go to sleep again with all this snoring, he goes to the cockpit to check how much is left of their journey.

* * *

"Dad you left."  
"I didn't leave..." His father sighs, clearly not happy with his choice of words as he knows how much it hurts Ben to be left alone...anywhere.

He looks over his shoulder and lifts his brows high when he sees the state he son is in. "What in the...happened to your hair?"

Rey turns back in the co-pilot seat and chuckles when she sees his hair.

"Chewie..." Ben pouts.

"It suits you," says Rey teasingly and ruffles his hair to mess it even more up.  
Ben backs away and frowns at her. "Does not." He tries to flatten it but thanks to the static electricity Chewie put into it, it goes straight up.

_Terrific...mom would not approve...maybe I should try to spit in my hands and use to smooth it out...no it's far better to use just water...mom would've fit if I did something so unclean..._

Ben is about to head to the refresher when his father calls: "So you and Chewie finally patched things up?"

"Yes."

"That's a huge relief, then you won't try to kill each other."

Ben nods. "Yes, we are best pals again."

"Good, that things are finally back to normal..." His father's voice trails off, probably thinking something along the line, that it is not exactly normal that his adult son turned into a kid and he corrects himself: "Well or as far as normal goes in this family. You should go back to sleep, we are still a long way from the Island."

_How far is the Island anyway...? But I better head to the refresher..._

Ben stops abruptly when hears Chewie's earth shattering snoring all the way to cockpit.

_I can't go in there...I might loose my hearing!_

"But I only don't get nightmares when you are with me," says Ben, who runs all the way to his father's pilot seat as if the snoring could hurt him in anyway.

 _Don't send me back in there! And I think I'm onto something with the nightmares..._  
"Really? I had no idea I could be that soothing...come here." His father picks him up, puts him down on his lap and points at the control panel. "But, no touching the switches."

By pure instinct Ben cast a glance at the toy saber in his belt, remembering how his old self destroyed control panels with his real saber and how himself had sliced unwillingly into the Falcon.

"And no destroying them either." His father lifts his chin up, as if he knows what he's thinking about.

Rey shakes her head sternly as if Ben had planned on doing something like that.

"I know...but I need to know what they all do, so I can be a pilot like you in our family business one day."

His father lets go of his chin and stares at him with a strange look.

"What? Did I say something wrong...?" Ben looks at Rey for help, who looks at lost as he is.

_Oh, o what did I do now...?_

But the stupefied look of his father soon gets replaced by a broad grin. "Is there anything you say that isn't cute?" He hugs him tightly and ruffles his hair.

 _Not my hair!_  
"I say a lot of serious stuff too!" Ben pouts, when his dad let's go of him and tries to fix his hair before the next attack.

"Such as...?" Rey grins and probably wants to attack his hair as well, but she can't, as he keeps it well covered with his hands.

_How about all the force, darkside, First Order stuff? And I just had a weird vision or dream...come on please take me seriously..._

"I'm glad to hear you are thinking about the future. But there is no hurry. Just enjoy being a kid." His father looks ridiculously happy that he said these words and is probably thinking something along the lines, that this is way better than the dark path his adult self took...for some reason.

"Okay..." Ben lowers his hands from his hair to his lap.

_That's not exactly easy with my past...that keeps popping up...and annoying me..._

"What did you mean by family...business?" Asks Rey hesitantly, as if the word family is a new word for her.

Ben is happy for distraction from his dark past. "That means you can join too Rey."

He smiles and Rey knits her brows deep in thought. "You offering me a job...your...our dad already offered me one."

"You turned it down," remarks their father, who has turned his attention back to piloting the ship.

"Yes, but that was when I was going back to Jakku..to look for my family.," states Rey in low voice.  
"Now you have a new one...family I mean...," says Ben softly and Rey nods.

"I know...and I'm grateful for it..." She smiles but her smile doesn't reach her sorrowful eyes.

_That doesn't mean she doesn't want to know what happened to her old one..._

Ben remembers his vision or dream, were among other things he saw Rey as child, calling desperately after someone: " _Come back!"_

"Rey...I had a very strange dream...it was not one of my memories...but yours.." Ben looks at her with a deadly serious expression in the hope of being taking seriously again or as seriously as someone who is sitting on his father's lap can be taken.

"Mine? How can you be so sure?" Rey looks at their father, as if he would know anything about whether Ben could get other memories except his own.

Their father looks skeptical as well. "Is that even possible? Though you do see...what if of the future sometimes...not that I will ever understand the force anyway..."

"I saw you, Rey. You touched Luke's lightsaber and..." Ben tells them his dream, Rey looks at him speechless but their father stops him when mentions Cloud City.

* * *

"Bespin? Neither you nor Rey should have any memory about that. Isn't that just the memories of your uncle's saber? Hang on...do sabers even have memories?" Their father frowns in thought.

_I think so...that why I need to inspect my saber better. It must be connected to my old memories. In some way..._

But Ben wisely refrains from mentioning his saber that has caused him so much trouble and says instead: "I thought so too, until I saw a burning temple and uncle Luke...my masked self and some other guys killing...his pupils...I think they were his pupils..."

_Hang on, why was there a burning temple...? The rainy battlefield even looked like a whole different place? Was that not the slaughter of uncle's pupils...? What then...?_

Ben notices how Rey and their father are waiting patiently fom him to continue and he proceeds with telling them his dream: "Then I saw you Rey...I think, as child..you were screaming after a shuttle. Do you know someone else beside me that turned to the darkside?"

"Why do you ask that?" Ask Rey puzzled and looks at their father who shrugs but looks surprised as well over all that Ben is telling them.

"The way the shuttle flew into darkness...I was sure it meant the ones on aboard had turned or something."

 _I wasn't the one...who left her there...!? Nah, that's impossible...but that could explain our connection..._  
"I'm sorry I don't remember anything about my old family...what was more in that vision?"

Ben tells her. "And my masked self in a snowy woods...and then I saw you fall back into the hallway and speak with...I think Maz."

"Maz?" Ask his father.

"A little alien with big glasses," clarifies Ben and his father nods."That is Maz."

"And then you ran off...I want no part of this..." Ben says to Rey who looks shocked at him as she takes all the information in before saying: "It's the exact same vision I had when I touched Luke's lightsaber...how come you saw the same things and how come you also saw what happened before and after?" She stares at him wide eyed and their father looks shocked as well.

_We are connected in the force...but I don't know why...but now we are connected in a different way...and if I did for some reason leave her on that horrible planet...I'm sure as hell am making up for it now...I hope...!_

"I don't know...maybe because we are a family now...but I also felt some connection to before...when I...umm...interrogated you...though I don't know why...the vision was really really scary..." he says in a hurried voice, his father looks at him sympathetically while Rey nods sadly. "I know..."

"I also had the future what if vision again of us battling, for some reason you could get Luke's lightsaber with the force but I could not...maybe because I was darkside at the time...?"

"I have no idea how to answer something...that never happened." Rey stares ahead as if she's trying to imagine what Ben just told her.

"Son I have told you to stop thinking about things that can't happen anymore," says their father sternly.

"I'm not thinking about it, they just come out of nowhere! Those visions confuse me greatly. How can I make them stop...?" He looks pleading between their father and Rey.

_I hate having to analyze my mind and memories constantly! I have no idea what is the truth!_

"Your uncle will help you," says his father gently as if that is the answer to everything.

_That reminds me what's Rey connection to uncle? Why could she get his saber but I couldn't?_

"Try to calm yourself...but don't let the fear or anger control you...I think," says Rey, who also tries to be helpful and Ben nods, remembering his uncle's teachings. "You are on the right track, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

Rey frowns and folds her arms. "Well, that's an oversimplification...fear is also necessary for one to survive, a fearless man jumps without thinking about any danger that lies ahead."

"Exactly that speech is just some Jedi mumbo jumbo, where everything is black or white. Either you are Jedi or Sith. They have no middle ground in anything." His father shakes his head at the Jedi idiocy and Ben is comforted by the fact that they don't believe in the Jedi code either. "You're both right. I never thought about that way and I will really try to control those feelings this time...but I really miss mom...I only got to see her for such a short time..." Ben rubs his arms sadly.

"You can call her later," says his father.  
"That's not the same..." whines Ben.

"I know, but it's the best we got."

Ben isn't satisfied with that answers, so he folds his arms and pouts.

"But you're...our dad is with you," says Rey and puts a comforting arm on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but for how long? Won't you just dumb me at uncle Luke's and be off again?" Ben asks in a sad voice.

_It's just a matter of time...I know it..._

His father sighs. "Son, I told you I'm not going anywhere this time. You have my word. What can I do to get you to believe me?"

_Not leave...but good thing he at least remember the promise..._

"Thanks, dad...just testing..." Ben smiles content while his father just shakes his head and flips some switches."Get ready for lightspeed..."

Rey flips some switches as well.  
"Is there any other speed?" Ben smirks knowingly and his father smirks as well. "Good one kid, good one." He ruffles his hair and Rey smiles, as they charge full ahead at lightspeed to uncle Luke's hideout.

* * *

After arriving on the Island, they are forced to go on an awful long hike up ancient endless steps, which Ben insisted on climbing himself, instead of having his father carrying him the whole way, a decision he regrets with each step he takes, but he moves on in pure stubbornness. It isn't until in the last rays of the daylight, that they finally arrive at the top and into a clearing with small, modest and primitive stone structures but there is no one around.

_So typical of uncle not to be where he's supposed to be..._

Without even catching their breaths again, they quickly walks past stone structures and sees and senses no one. They stop when they feel something, even his unforcesentive father and they turn to someone that is standing about forty feet away from them, with his back to them, a man in a cloak and a robe. His father and Rey just stares for what seems like forever, while Ben quickly hides behind his father's back and waits for his uncle to move, from a save place.

_What's everyone waiting for? I know it's uncle. Who else could it be?_

Finally his uncle turns, slowly to them and pulls back his hood, revealing his white hair and beard.

_About time...he moved...wow he's gotten so old...like everyone..._

He looks at them with kindness in his eyes but there's something tortured too.

_Poor uncle must have been through a lot...and because of me...as soon as he realises who I am the yelling fest will begin..._

His uncle is amazed and conflicted at what he sees before him, an old friend, a young woman he doesn't know but he does a doubletake when he notices Ben peering from behind his father's back. He recognizes him instantly because of his forcesignature.

_I can't pretend to be another kid...can I?_

"Han...good to see you old friend," his uncle finally says something to break the ice. He smiles at his his father, a very sad smile.

"You too, Luke." His father has the same sad smile. A great tension is in the air between the two old friends, a tension Ben is somewhat to blame for.

_I hope I'm not the only reason...!_

His uncle looks at Rey beside his father. "Who is...?"

"Ben, are you trying to forcechoke him?" His father suddenly asks him sternly, after he had been staring too intently at his uncle.

"No!" Ben yells in shock.

 _I don't want to be grounded for life!_  
"Forcechoke...?" Asks Luke surprised and looks at Rey, as if she would know why his transformed nephew would try to use forcechocke like Vader was known for. Rey just stares shocked at Ben if he's really trying to kill his uncle.

His father moves him quickly from the safety of his back and to the front of his chest. "He was afraid he would turn back into Kylo Ren the minute he saw you and try to kill you...so far nothing has happened...and it better stay that way." He holds Ben's shoulders tightly as if he's afraid that if he didn't, Ben would turn instantly into Kylo Ren and pinces his ear sternly for a good measure.

"I'm not trying to turn back! I don't want to kill uncle...I promise..." Ben pouts and rubs his sore ear. He hates being put on the spot like that.

His father smiles and tousles his hair like he's a dog. "Good boy."

Rey exhales and smiles relieved.

"So...this...really is Ben...?" His uncle still has hard time believing his own eyes and even though the force doesn't lie, he is still not entirely convinced.

"Yes, I have his old saber if you don't believe me." His father fetches Ben's precious saber from his pocket and hands it to his uncle.

Ben doesn't object in any way, though it breaks his heart, knowing that his uncle will most likely confiscate it and even destroy it.

His uncle takes the saber in his hand, inspects it carefully, turns it on, glances shocked between the ignited saber and horrified Ben.

"How?" His uncle turns off the saber and pockets it.

_No...he took my saber...I should've known...I'm never getting it back now? Am I?!_

"We were hoping you would know," says his father.

"I felt some disturbance in the force but this...I've never heard of the force transforming people physically. I will see what I can find in the old data pads." His uncle looks deep in thought.

His father smiles and nods in understanding. "Thanks Luke. We knew we could count on you."

"Thanks...uncle...," says Ben in a shy voice.

His uncle smiles and nods his head at him. "He's really adorable like this..."

"He is." His father nods proudly.

_Is that the only thing that matters? I'm cute...like this?_

His uncle clears his throat and frowns. "But that doesn't excuse his dark past in any way. I will be much stricter with him this time."

His father holds Ben as if his uncle had planned on sending him in an exile for what he did. "He's my son so leave the punishments to me."

_Hugging you mean..._

"I didn't mean that, I meant you will have to be a better behaved student this time around Ben." His uncle frowns sternly at him.

"I will try..." Ben answers honestly but his uncle shakes his head with a stern frown. "Do or do not, there is no try."

Ben mentally rolls his eyes but puts his most innocent look on for his uncle. "Yes, I know..uncle...?"

"Yes?" His uncle looks a little apprehensive over him asking him, as he probably thinks it is something darkside related.

"Can I get a robe with a hood on?"

_Like you have..._

"Why's that?" His uncle looks surprised over that strange request and looks to his father and Rey for answers, who look as lost as he is.

"People...strangers, don't mind family, is always touching my hair...but if I had a hood..."

The realisation dawns on them and his father and Rey snicker while his uncle smirks. "I will see what I can do."

_Hey, this is a serious matter! But now I have only one request left._

"Uncle?"

"Yes?" His uncle is still smirking and does not look as anxious over his request as before.

"Can please keep my old saber...?"

_I can at least ask..._

His uncle smirks vanishes as quickly as the sun drained into the Starkiller base.

"Ben..." says his father warningly.

"Benny." Rey shakes her head.

"No! Didn't you hear me? I will be much stricter this time and besides it's a darkside one!" Yell his uncle at him outraged, but as Ben did expect him to react like this, he was prepared.

"But it's just red...there is no darkside in it, I promise. Please...!" Ben clutches his hands together like in a pray. "Please!"

His uncle looks a little taken aback over his desperation. "Why do you want to keep it so much? It's a darkside one."

"It's so cool...I like it..." mutters Ben.

_And I know you are not going to give me a new one till many years later...if ever!_

His father shakes his head tiredly, hearing that logic from him before and his uncle does not look convinced, while Rey just shakes her head and says sternly: "Really, what's up with your lightsaber obsession? Hasn't it got you into a enough trouble already?"

"You wouldn't understand! You're just a girl!" Ben snaps at her the first things that pops into his head but gulps audible when he sees her furious expression.

_Oh...o..._

* * *

"Just a girl...?" Rey really has to swallow her anger over that rude remark while his uncle and father look a little shocked and frightened that he said that.

"Ben, you never say things like that," scolds his father him and his uncle shivers and nods in agreement.

_They are probably both thinking about mom who would cut of their heads off, if they ever dared to say something like that...I'm doomed aren't I...?_

Rey reaches for his uncle saber in her pack, which she still, for some reason, hasn't given it back to his uncle. "Wanna bet?" She asks in a challenging voice.

"No, no I was only kidding!" Ben backs away in fright, remember to vividly how she kicked his ass with it in the future what if vision. "Sorry!"

_She would truly slaughter me now when I'm just a kid!_

"Good." Rey smirks and withdraws her hand.

_She really should give uncle his saber back, I don't like to think about her having a saber...at least not when she's so mad at me..._

"He even attacked the rebels to get his saber back," says his father half jokingly to his uncle, even though it was the truth.

His uncle does not look impressed and instead glowers at Ben with a great disapproval and as the opportunity to get his saber back gets further away, Ben yells in desperation: "It was an accident! And I really think my memories and vision are connected to it...maybe it had something to do with why I changed."

_I'm not giving up my saber without a fight! And I need to be able to defend myself from Rey!_

"Well, okay then." His uncle at last gives up, takes it from his pocket and pushes a button on it but not to ignite it but to do what Ben has no idea, but as he's so happy to get his saber back he doesn't care.

"Luke, what are you doing?" His father does not look pleased with his careless decision and neither does Rey who frowns at him.

His uncle blinks them for some reason. "Trust me, here, now you can take it."

_What did you do to my saber...? Oh, I don't care, I just want it back!_

So Ben happily accepts it from his uncle.

_Finally!_

But when he turns around, a save distance from everyone and tries to ignites it, nothing happens.

He turns to frown at his uncle who turns to his father with a smirk. "I put the child safety on."

His father and Rey look surprised while Ben feels humiliated.

_No trust what so ever!_

"There is a child safety on lightsabers?" His father accepts the saber back for safe keeping as Ben has no interest in it, when he can't even turn it on and is grateful that he at least has his toy saber to play with.

His uncle folds his arms. "Of course there is. Now, where did his change happen? Can you describe the circumstances for me?"

"On Star Killer base, they were loading the weapon, draining the sun. Do you think there is a connection?" His father still stares at the saber in his head, now with the child safety on and is probably thinking about all the trouble they could've have avoided had they only known about that feature.

He shakes his head and pockets it, sparking an unpleasant memory in Ben's mind.

"I was also trying to kill dad...but I resisted and ended like this..." mutters Ben shamefully. He shuts his eyes in pain but open his eyes, when his father pats his shoulder and smiles at him encouragingly, like he's doing great in game instead of having almost committed murder...on him...

_How can he be so forgiven...? I will never understand that...but I'm really glad for it...now I just have to forgive myself...somehow.._

"What..when? Oh...on the catwalk." Rey nods while remembering how all this started.

She frowns sternly at him while his uncle looks shocked but then go straight into trying to analyze everything that has been said. "Well good...that didn't happen and this happened instead. Hmm, now the Star Killer base is no more...but yeah, maybe it had something to do with the solar energy. Light and dark, fighting for dominance. Maybe this is the middle ground or something?

_The force has a middleground...?_

"The smallside?" Asks his father hopefully, that the answer isn't more complicated than that and turns to Ben who walks hesitantly to his uncle.

"Perhaps, though I've never heard about it and never about any deaging occurring. Your Ben is a special case..." His uncle looks down at Ben who suddenly by his side and pulls at his sleeve: "Uncle Luke...I'm sorry for turning to the dark side..."

_Can you ever forgive me?_

"I'm sorry to, but it's good that you're back...though umm...I did never expect this." His uncle gives him an awkward hug with one arm.

"No one did." His father grins victoriously and Rey just nods in bewilderment.

"I'm also sorry for...killing the other pupils..." mutters Ben and grabs tightly onto his uncle's cloak, but his uncle loses his grip, takes his shoulder and crouches at his eyelevel. "Okay...but I'm not sure you should be the one apologizing. Do you even understand what happened?" He looks deeply into his eyes. There is something there that confuses Ben greatly.

_What does he mean by you're not the one who should be apologizing...does he thinks that I'm not responsible for what Kylo Ren did...or does he mean something else? Am I right that the memory did in fact not show the slaughter of the pupils? What is he hiding from me? Why is he always hiding something from me...?!_

Ben shakes his head and continues with his innocent act instead of shouting at his uncle for alway keeping secrets from him. "No, I only have some glimpses of a memory...but it doesn't tell me anything, except there were other guys, dressed similar to me with me..." He shivers when remembering that dark memory.

His uncle nods in understanding. "You mean the Knights of Ren. You were the master of them."

"Oh...okay...doesn't tell me anything though..." He looks at his father and Rey, who look worried at him.

_Please give me something more!_

"I will explain everything later." His uncle lets go of him and stands up. "You must be hungry after your long journey. Follow me." He indicates from them to follow after him, which they do but Ben notice that Rey stops, like she had forgotten something.

"Oh, I forgot to give you something important. Here." Rey takes from her pack uncle Luke's saber.

* * *

They stop and his uncle takes his saber with wide eyes. "My old saber...where did you get it?"

"Maz had it," says Rey casually and his uncle looks to his father for more information, like how the kriffing she could get something that was supposed to be floating in space, but he only shrugs. "I have no idea."

His uncle still look lost but hands the saber back to Rey. "Anyways, you can keep it. I have a new one...wait, who are you? I'm so sorry I was so caught in my nephew changing...I forgot to ask for your name...sorry about that." His uncle rubs his neck, looking embarrassed for having forgotten his manners but Rey only smiles.

"I'm Rey..."

"I'm Luke Skywalker. A Jedi master." He puts his hand out for a handshake.

Rey shakes his hand. "A pleasure to finally meet you sir."  
"She's my sister now," says Ben.

"Sister...?" His uncle look to his father for answers, who only sighs. "A long story..."

"We have enough time," says his uncle, eager to know more and looks at Ben.

"We were enemies once," says Ben as if that would explain everything.

_I'm not going to tell you anything unless you tell me everything!_

"Interesting...," remarks his uncle and looks at Rey curiously. "She's strong in the force."

Rey suddenly looks bashful and blushes as if his uncle had just used a dirty word.

"You are her uncle now." Ben points firmly at his uncle as if daring him to object.

_Whatever connection there was between them, at least there is now one official..._

"Okay...welcome to the family, Rey." Their uncle smiles at her and she smiles shyly back.

"Thanks."

* * *

It is pitch dark when they arrive in a different clearing, the stars illuminating their way along with the flashlight in hands of his father and uncle, who lead the way in this rocky landscape. His father holds his hand to make sure he won't trip over the small rocks sometimes littering their path.

His father lets him sit down on big rock, as his uncle and Rey start to prepare for dinner and hands him a device that looks like comm link. "Here, you can contact your mother while you wait. Let her know that we have arrived safely and such...but you can only talk to her for less than a one minute."

"Not even a one minute! Why?" Ben looks annoyed at the device in his hand, for being so useless.

_What a shitty equipment..._

His father puts a hand on his shoulder and says in something that sound like defence for the poor device. "We can't risk any longer in case the First Order would intercept the message and trace it. For same reason it's only sound no images, so they can't find out which place we are at if they somehow managed to record it. Same, you can't give out any delicate information about the place or anything else, don't talk about it at all..."

_Why should I want to talk about this dull place? I just want to speak to mom..._

Ben only nods to let him know he's listening and his father continues:"However this is only temporary and when the danger has passed she will be able to send us a better equipment...but by then perhaps we have already returned to her, I hope so...you press this button to start and the call ends when the time's up. It will start blinking so you can at least say goodbye before the connections breaks." His father presses the button to start the call despite having told him before how to do it and stays beside him, while the calling starts with awful loud white noise which hurt Ben's ears.

_Stupid equipment...the line will probably break before I even get a connection..._

" _Ben...how's everything going?"_

_Mom's voice!_

Ben can't believe it that he gets to hear from her so soon, that he can't speak at first even though he has very tight time limit.

" _Ben...are you alright?"_

His father looks at him worried but he snaps out of it and answers her as calmly as possible: "Yes, we arrived safely...we found uncle..."

"Hi Leia," yells his uncle in the background where he kneels on the ground and tries to start a fire and failing.

" _Luke! I'm...so glad to hear you're okay."_ Even though Ben can't see it, he knows that his mother tries her best not to cry of joy.

_At last she can be happy again...and I even contributed to it somewhat...little by little I will make up for what I did and what I planned on doing..._

"I will speak to you at a later time. I'm busy preparing dinner...thank you Rey," says his uncle when Rey manages to start a fire with ease, probably thanks to the survival skills she acquired while living on Jakku.

" _Of course."_  His mother turns his attention back to him. " _How are you sweetie?"_

"I miss you."

" _I miss you too...everyone misses you. Remember to train, eat and sleep well."_

"I will."

" _Good boy. Can I speak to your father for a bit?"_

Ben looks at this father, who stands beside him, acting like he's overseeing the dinner preparations when in fact he's listening to everything he says.

"But I still have time.."

_Not that I have anything new to report...just want to hear more of your voice..._

" _I will call you before you go to bed,"_ says his mother softly.

"Okay..."

" _Love you sweetie..."_

"Love you too..."

Ben is about to leave to sulk as he hands the device to his father, but his father notices his unhappy frown, grabs him with the device free hand and holds him close to his side when he speaks to his mother, allowing him to hear her voice a bit longer.

A gesture Ben is grateful for, though he doesn't like force that was used in making him stay.

_He could've just told me to stay...but I guess that's my father's strange way of saying I love you..._

"How's the rebellion going?" Ask father in carefree manner, dragging Ben from his thoughts that suddenly remembers there is full scale war going on, even though they are having something that looks and feels like an innocent family outing.

" _Not so good..."_

_Poor mom is on her own...well with the stupid rebels, fighting the stupid First Order. I wish I could help but instead I'm stuck here! Doing nothing!_

"Anything I can do?" Ask his father, as if he was thinking the same thing.

His words shock Ben, who starts to tear up.

_I knew it! He's about to leave me behind to go on some mission...I so knew it!_

" _No, your only job is to stay with our son and make sure he's safe and happy,"_  says his mother firmly, as if she could somehow tell how Ben was feeling, light years away.

_Happy...?_

His father smiles down at his stupefied face. "Of course the most important job there is. I meant in terms of a mental support..."

_He's not leaving me...? He's keeping his promise...? Really?_

" _You can always do that...I'm sorry but I have to run now...Time's up...tell everyone I said hi._ "

"We will...till later...be save."

" _You too..."_

"Bye mom..." Ben manages to squeeze in a little goodby before the connection breaks.

His father sighs and puts the device in his pocket. He lets go of him but instead puts his hands on his shoulders in comforting manner and crouches at his eyelevel. "I know this is not much. But we can call her often...but not too often of course."

"I understand...thanks." Ben forces a smile and his father smiles back at him, ruffles his hair and straightens himself up.

_This is way better than nothing. Good thing dad is with me, who really seems on planning on staying...and Rey...and Chewie and Artoo..._

"Dinner is ready," calls Rey behind them, casting the illusion once more, that this is just one family outing but not a journey of their destiny.

* * *

They sit around a bonfire and eat in silence or well try to eat...

"Blerg..." Ben grimaces, sticks his tongue out and holds the wooden bowl as far away from him as possible.

"Ben, don't waste food." Rey scolds him, even though the "food" in question looks like someone had thrown up in his bowl. Ben had even dared to taste it.

"Sorry...sis.." He hang his head and creeps sneakily to the pot over the fire.

"Sis..." Rey beams being called that and Ben uses the opportunity, she's momentarily happy, to pour the food back in the boiling pot, but she quickly regains her senses and shouts at him: "Benny!"

"What?" Ben asks innocently when holding the now empty bowl.

Rey looks at him as furiously as if she had just spent hour preparing the dinner, when in reality it was just some leftovers she and his uncle had heated up within minutes. She looks exasperated between their father and their uncle, who sit side by side, on the other side of the fire.

Their father sighs tiredly but a small grin appears on his uncle's lips. "Heh, I did the same when master Yoda served me this..."

"You did?" Asks Ben incredulously and puts the bowl on the ground.

_Uncle never told me that part of the story!_

Rey scowls at their uncle while their father just shake his head with an amused smile and continues eating.

Their uncle nods and lowers his bowl to the ground. "Even though it's very nutritious, the flavour is very bland and especially for little kids taste buds like yours." He points at Ben, who still stands in front of the fire, though he is the only kid around...as least physically.

"You were a kid when you were in training with master Yoda? But I thought.." Ben takes his seat again beside Rey.  
His uncle blushes and tries to hide his red face in his bowl. "No...but I didn't like it the same..."

Rey looks outraged between her adopted brother by her side and their uncle opposite them, as their father had just continued shoveling the food into his mouth without any comment, he was in the clear. He knows better than to piss of a feisty woman as he's married to one.

She wiggles a finger at her brother and uncle. "You two should really try living on Jakku, were I had to work for every bite I got and sometimes I even went to bed hungry!"

"Sorry, to hear that. Must have been a awful life," says their uncle sympathetically and their father and Ben nod in agreement.

"It was hard...I don't really want to talk about it..." Rey stares first at her food bowl but then she levels a death glare at Ben and his empty bowl on the ground. "You better eat this...or so help me..."

She clenches her fist threateningly while Ben gives her a challenging glare in return.

_I won't be intimidated by you..._

Their father sighs and intervenes at last into their sibling rivalry. "Ben, you need to eat something."

"I will rather starve then eat this," declares Ben hotly and folds his arms.

"Starve!" Rey is so mad at the prospect that she looks ready to shovel the food down his throat.

Ben gulps when he sees the madness in her eyes, the same burning rage as when she chopped him down...with a lightsaber.

_Oh, no I went too far! She's really pissed now!_

But before Rey has any chance to get her saber or force feed him, their father interjects: "Ben, you will not starve. Your mother would have my head if I let you starve."

Rey smirks, happy that their father is taking her side but Ben has not given up, he still has some weapons in his arsenal.

"But I'm not eating this...can't you go and get something from the Falcon instead? Please...?" He moves quickly away from his crazy obnoxious food obsessed sister and looks pleading at his father. "I can't eat this..."

Rey, their uncle and him all wait for their father's reaction as he thinks it over.

Finally he nods, with a content smile that he can resolve their family dispute that easily. "Okay, I will get you...and Luke something from the Falcon. Do you want anything Rey?" He stands up.

She shrugs her shoulders sadly. "I don't care."

_Hah! I won! In your face!_

Of course Ben feels a little sad for her because of her horrible past which explains her behaviour but he won't let her control him, so he relish in his small victory.

"Thanks Han, I would even kill for some bantha stew...not literally kill of course..." His uncle voice trails off, as if Ben didn't know the difference between a real kill and the one only in figure of a speech.

Rey glares at him and then at Ben, who stands up, ready to break into a run at a moment's notice.

Their father smirks at their uncle. "We know what you mean. I don't think have one but I will check and check up on Chewie and Artoo as well."

He starts to walk away but stops when his uncle asks happily:"They are here?"

"Yes but they both wanted to stay in the Falcon until morning. Chewie needed to rest and well Artoo as well, I guess."

_Chewie must have been watching over me the whole time I slept..._

"I can't wait to meet them again." His uncle smiles and his father only nods and crosses over to the endless steps.

Ben run after his father. "Dad, I can help!"

_I am not staying alone with my murderous sister and my uncle...who is not so happy with me either..._

His father stops him from tumbling down the steps by grabbing and moving him to a save spot. He holds a hand in between them to make sure Ben doesn't follow after him. "No, stay. These steps are too much for you to climb again...they are even worse when you are carrying something...not to mention extremely dangerous in the dark..." His father peers down into the dark as if he's just noticing the danger himself.

Ben looks at the steep steps, barely visible in the dark and has to admit that his father is right. "Sorry, that I can't help..." He pouts.

_And it's even my food order that is sending him on this perilous journey...maybe I should just eat that horrible grub after all..._

His father pats his head, probably seeing the morbid thoughts in his eyes. "Don't worry, I don't need any help. You and Rey should just rest for the training ahead." He smiles reassuringly.

_But I don't want to be a Jedi..._

"Okay...be careful..."

His father nods, turns on the flashlight and very carefully descends the steps.

* * *

After his father left there is an awkward silence between the three of them. Rey still looks pissed after their fight and focus on chewing one bite at time, maybe to calm herself down while his uncle sips unhappily from the bowl as he doesn't like the taste at all. Ben is the only one who doesn't touch his food and therefor has nothing to do. He also sees that despite his uncle's promise to explain everything later, he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to tell them anything.  _What's he waiting for? Why must he always let me wait...or blatantly lie to me...about everything?_

Ben get's angry when thinking about how his uncle had also kept the truth about his dark heritage from him like his parents did, but as much as he wants to shout at him for it, he thinks it is wiser to try to ask about things he otherwise wouldn't get to know about when his dad is around to supervise him.

_Since dad is not here...maybe I can use the opportunity to ask questions he wouldn't like me asking...?_

"Uncle...?"

"Yes?" His uncle lowers the bowl on the hard ground with grimace of disgust. Ben thinks he must have had least three bowls of this and if Ben had to wager, he only did that to not make Rey even more annoyed than she already is about food being wasted.

"Can you tell me more about grandpa? Not Anakin...well yes but as...Darth Vader.."

His uncle sighs. "You know the truth...again." When he sees the question in Rey's eyes, he adds:" He was my father. Leia and I are twins."

"Oh, I see." Rey nods in understanding, when putting her new family tree together in her head.

_Typical that Rey gets to know the truth so easily when she has only recently been added to the family...but the poor thing doesn't even remember anything about her old family...I can't be mad at her, be mad at uncle...or no, try get more forbidden information..._

So instead of focusing on the hurt over having been lied to all these years, Ben continues in a soft voice. "Yes...but I only want to know, because I want to know why I turned...so I can avoid it. I don't want to turn again..."

Rey gives him an encouraging smile, their food fight temporarily forgotten and his uncle looks pleased over hearing him denouncing the darkside like that.

He nods with a serious expression. "That's really good to hear, but...I'm not sure I am the right person to tell you about him..."

"Who then? Mom will never tell me anything."

_If she even knew how casually I was asking you about him, she would put me in a time out here even though she's not even present.._

Despite not liking the idea of another timeout, Ben gets sad when thinking about his mother and stares into the fire to distract himself from the bad feeling settling in his stomach, but for some reason images starts to form before his eyes, but not as vividly as before. More like a memory of a memory.

He hears screams of despair and witnesses how the fire engulfed the village structures as the fire trooper sprayed it with fire.

"Of course not, no I was thinking about...what's wrong?" Asks his uncle worried when he sees how Ben's face gets white.

"I..." Ben turns quickly from the fire.

"A vision?" Rey asks.

Ben shakes his head. "No but...in the fire...I remembered a horrible memory...an assault on...I think it was Jakku." He shivers despite the heat from the fire.

Rey wraps his arms around him, their fight all forgotten. "You're save now." She leans her head on top his.

_But I was the one...who did this..._

"Do you often get visions and memories like that?" Asks his uncle surprisingly gently and drags him back from his dark thoughts.

"Yes...but it mostly stopped now...for some reason...kinda after dad told me to stop worrying and just be a kid."

_Right, I'm just a kid. So there is nothing to worry about...please just keep on telling me about Vader...why did I have to have this vision now? What an awful timing...!_

"That's good but to make sure you can control your memories and visions, you have to balance yourself in the force. Do you remember the relaxing technique I taught you?" His uncle asks with his gentle voice.

"Umm..." Ben gets loose from Rey's embrace.

_Yes, I used it when I was in timeout...but I want to talk more about Vader...not mediate...dad will be here any sec and then I can forgot everything about asking about his old nemesis...even though he was also his father in law..._

"Ben...oh, I should've expected as much. You never were a good listener. But his time will you promise to listen to me? This is important." His uncle frowns at him, his stern manner overtaking the mild facade he had in vain tried to keep despite being mad at his nephew for betraying him by going to the darkside.

_Or at least that is what I think...he's thinking about...he has his shields up so I can't read his mind..._

"But I want to hear more about Vader..." Ben whines and his uncle huffs. "Ben, you need to control your mind. You're too impatient. All the answers will reveal themselves in time..."

_No, this is my only opportunity to hear about Vader!_

"I'm a kid! Of course I'm impatient! And I'm tired of being lied to all the kriffing time!" Ben jumps up and points at him accusingly.

His uncle shuts his eyes in fury, as if he counting in his head to calm himself down and mutters. "You...are on such a thin ice...wait till your father gets here..." He opens his eyes, the anger still present despite his attempt to reel it in.

_Oh...o, I made him mad...now he won't tell me anything...but maybe I can get dad to see my side of things, he knows how much I hate being lied too...yeah, in this case uncle is the mean one...wait, I'm not supposed to ask about Vader. I will get into trouble anyway..._

"Or I can just call your mother." His uncle smirks victoriously which makes Ben angrier.

_No! I will not have you ruin my precious less than minute with her by letting her yelling at me the whole time!_

Rey, who so far had only watched the battle between them from the sidelines, puts a hand on his small shoulder, which is shaking with rage. "Ben, listen to your...our uncle. This is important, it will make you feel better."

Ben looks into her pleading eyes and feels bad for making her worry, so he at last nods and sits down again. "Okay."

_I will try to ask about Vader at another time...there will be other opportunities...there must be..._

Their uncle smiles relieved. "Thank you Rey, you should learn this technique as well." He shuts his eyes:"Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Feel the force around you..."

Rey follows his instructions to the latter but when Ben is about to obey, he sees a blue light appear in the distance.

"What's that?!" He cries in surprise.

_Has the First Order found us already?!_

"Ben! I told you to listen to me. Why are you always so naughty?!" Yells his uncle at him without opening his eyes, probably holding tight to the force to help him calm himself down while dealing with his insufferable nephew or so Ben thinks.

"I'm not naughty! I'm never naughty! What's this blue light?" Ben points in the distance, even though neither his uncle nor Rey see it, as they both still have their eyes closed shut.

_Listen stupid uncle, we could be in grave danger!_

Rey opens her eyes as the blue light keeps getting closer by the second. She jumps in fright.

"What are you talking about?" Asks his uncle annoyed but doesn't open his eyes.

"I see it too..is that a person!?" Rey's eyes go wide in shock.

Their uncle at last opens his eyes and looks over his shoulder. "Oh, that, that's just father." He turns back again.

Rey looks bewildered between their uncle and the now visible force ghost. "Father?!"

"Grandpa?!" Ben gapes when he sees the man he recognizes easily thanks to all holos of the chosen one, walk toward them with a wide grin.

* * *

Next up: The future meets the past (FINAL CHAPTER)


	14. The future meets the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grandpa time!

 

Ben stares in astonishment at his grandpa. He can't believe his own eyes, despite the fact his dad told him that his uncle had in fact met the forceghost of his late father, he never imagined him being given the chance nor that it would be this casually and at dinner time. He must also admit that even though he had been pestering his uncle about knowing more about Vader, when the real deal shows up he's a little afraid. Even though Anakin is not sporting his famous black armour, he's formidable all the same, but it could have something to do with the fact, that it's dark outside, he's walking straight to the fire and has this crazy grin, which Ben has no idea what means.

Rey stares at him as well, while his uncle looks annoyed that his father interrupted an important mediating lesson.

"Father, what are you doing here?" Ask his uncle when his father stops far away from the fire and stares back at them. If Ben didn't know any better he would think he was afraid of coming near the bonfire.

_But the chosen one or former Vader can't be afraid of anything? Right...?_

"Is that my grandson...? He's so cute!" Exclaims his grandpa in delight without answering his son.

_Okay, that was not the first thing...or something that I ever expected my cool and scary grandpa to say...!_

Ben is too shy and little afraid to speak directly at first to his grandpa, so he turns to his uncle and whispers: "Why is he so young...?"

"The same applies to you," says his grandfather and smirks before his uncle has chance to answer and can hear him despite him whispering.

_Wait...is there a connection between me changing into a child and grandpa's forceghost to be this young?_

"Since his ghost now looks like this..." Ben starts laying out his theory but his uncle shakes his head, as if he's knows what he is thinking about."No, he has always been this young."

"Always?" Asks Ben surprised.

"Well, there was this one time where he was the same age as he died, but it went away after some years," his uncle shrugs as if that is no big deal that late father looks younger than his alive son, despite having been old when he died.

When Ben does not look satisfied with that answer and frowns at his uncle, his uncle sighs: "As your grandpa was darkside right before he died, he was reverted to the time when he was last lightside after his redemption."

"Okay...does that mean, darkside user can't be a forceghost?" Asks Ben and his uncle nods."Most likely."

_That makes sense the force wouldn't want to have Siths running around after their death and maybe wreaking havoc or at least annoy the Jedis and the other way around._

"And I have a granddaughter now too, how fun," says his grandfather and inspect Rey who still in shock over seeing a ghost or rather who that particular ghost is.

"Vader...?" Rey says shocked and their grandfather shakes his head sternly:"No, that's not my name anymore and that name cost a great deal of grief for this family. Especially for my grandson. Ben, come here so I can get a better look at you." He folds his arms and scowls at him, making Ben stiffen in fright despite him calling him just cute a seconds ago.

_What's he going to do to me?! Is he angry that I followed in his footsteps? He looks angry...but I don't find any danger in the force coming from him...but he could be bluffing as he's the chosen one, he's so freaking powerful! But would he really use darkside powers to punish me for turning to darkside? He can at least use forcepush from the lightside...and push me off this cliff...but it's darkside to kill? No, the Jedi killed during the Clone wars like that was no big deal...I'm so scared..._

Ben stands up shivering and looks for help from his uncle, which is of course none and Rey who has no idea how to react to a ghost, or this ghost.

"Anakin?! Oh, no you will not come any where near my son!" Before Ben even gets to take one step towards his grandpa, his father, who has returned from his perilous food hunt, grabs from behind and holds him protectively while glowering at his former enemy...and father in law.

"I'm sorry for him turning to the darkside. But it was not my fault." Anakin shakes his head sadly.

"Not your fault!" Shouts his father at him in great disbelief and looks at his uncle. "Can you believe this guy?"

His uncle doesn't get a chance to answer as Anakin says sternly:"If you had just told him about his dark legacy, this could've been avoided." He frowns at his son, who looks shamefully to the ground.

_Hah, uncle Luke got scolded! But I still think...grandpa will also...at least yell at me..._

"I hate that you have a point." His father glares at his former enemy and still doesn't let go of Ben, who he's grateful for that protection.

If Ben didn't know about his grandpa's dark secret, he would only look at him as the chosen one and yeah be a tiny bit scared over his upcoming scolding for turning to the darkside, instead of being this terrified of his rage. He knew his grandpa had to be furious with him for ruining his sacrifice he did by redeeming himself, as he threw their family straight back into chaos by turning to the darkside as well...

_But would I even have turned to the darkside if not for my dark legacy, is the dark side something that is in your blood...? And what did my masked self mean by he wanted to finish what grandpa started...? I don't even know why I turned to the darkside to begin with!_

"What are you so afraid of? I'm just a ghost. It's not like that I can even touch him." Anakin shakes his head tiredly over his father's protectiveness.

_Hmm...then there is no reason for me to be afraid of him either...but maybe he can still use the force?!_

"Han, it's okay. He's just going to take a look at him," says his uncle and smiles reassuringly.

_Look at me...am I some antique in a museum? An animal in a Zoo?_

Rey looks surprised over that phrasing while his father huffs. "Fine...but the minute he tries something..."

"Dad...," says Ben pleadingly and his father must misunderstand that as him wanting to go or maybe he just want this to be over with, as he gives him an encouraging push forward.

"Go on...but the minute he has finished gawking at you, come straight back here..." His father points sternly at spot in front of him.

_But I don't want to go..._

Ben looks at Rey. "Rey...?"

Rey shrugs. "I guess, he's your...our grandad...though he used to be evil..."

She looks deep in thought but when she does nothing to stop this, Ben looks at his uncle, who seems to be the only one of his family, whom gets that he's not looking for approval for his actions, but assurance of his safety. "Uncle..."

"He won't hurt you," says his uncle in a firm voice.

_Okay, now I'm scared...why did you even say it like was a possibility and I don't trust you...this is probably one big trap to get rid of me to get a revenge for killing all your pupils...! If I even killed them...!_

* * *

Ben hesitantly walks over to his grandad. His heart racing.

_Can't anyone else see the danger! How far am I supposed to go? Is this close enough...please tell me it is! If he's afraid of fire, maybe I should stay as close to it as possible...?_

Ben hearts nearly stops when Anakin starts walking fast to him and then before he knows what has happened, takes under his armpits even though he shouldn't be able to touch him!

_Oh, no! He's not even going to use the force to throw me of the Island! He going to throw me into the fire! That was his plan along!_

"You said you couldn't...! I knew I shouldn't trust you! LUKE!" His father at last sees the danger as well.

"He has never done this before!" Yells uncle in his defence.

Rey just stares at them and has no idea how to react.

But the only thing their granddad does, is lifting him high up and running around with him in big circles in clearing, but far away from the fire or the edge of the cliff, all the while yelling in a playful manner: "Weee, you're in a podracer!"

_What..he's playing with me...?_

His grandpa makes loud podracing noises while he whips past the rest of the family.

Soon Ben starts to giggle in delight, whatever he had expected this was not one of it.

His father stares speechless at this and Rey is equally surprised while Luke frowns.

"Father, stop, you will make him dizzy...I didn't know you could touch anything..." Luke says a little jealous.

"I haven't been able to...maybe the force is changing." Anakin puts Ben back on the ground.

"Again! Again!" Ben shouts, no longer afraid of his grandad but thinks he's the best grandpa in the whole galaxy.

"No, you have had enough little one."

"Please..."

_It was so much fun!_

"Okay, maybe one more trip." Anakin picks him up again and runs around with him.

Ben giggles after their trip and his grandpa puts him down and hugs him.

"I love you grandad." Ben says the first thing that pops into his head and it comes so naturally, as if he had been waiting for chance his whole life to say that.

His grandpa smiles. "I love you too. Just don't keep on making the same mistakes I did."

"I won't...I got a second chance or something...I don't know," says Ben honestly.

"Good boy." Anakin pets him on the head, smiles and then points at his toy saber in his belt. "This is a cool saber."

"Thanks dad, made it for me."

"I'm can make you a toy as well, I made Threepio..."  
"I know he's my best friend!"

"I'm glad to hear that!"

"FATHER!"

"What?" Anakin turns surprised to his son who frowns sternly at him.

"You were supposed to lecture him...not play around with him...and make toys..." His uncle shakes his head and runs a hand over his face. "Or act like you two are best friends forever..."

_Spoilsport...you're just jealous..._

His father looks like he wants to spit out nails over the term his uncle used as he does not want Ben to be close to his grandpa, neither mentally or physically so he points at the spot in front of him, he wanted Ben to return to.

_Oh...o...I was supposed to return at once...but a little bit more time with gramps won't hurt..._

"I did scold him, don't do it again...nauuughty..."Anakin wiggles finger sternly at Ben who nods with a serious expression to try to please the rest of his family, despite his grandpa rebuking him in a goofy manner and him wanting to snicker over it instead.

"That's not scolding," remarks his uncle and Rey and his father agree by nodding solemnly.

"Come on, I can't be mad at him, he so cute and innocent..."His grandpa pinches his cheek teasingly and Ben rubs it while pouting.

_People can't stop ruffling my hair, pinching my cheek, hugging me, carrying me, holding me...all because I am child...no one takes me seriously..._

"But if he was his adult self we would be having...a very different conversation..." His grandpa's eyes shoots daggers at Ben reminding him that he truly was once the terror of the galaxy.

Ben gulps audible, nods fervently and for the first time is truly glad to be just a innocent child.

"Good boy." Anakin smiles, ruffles his hair and as Ben does not mind him doing it now, he leans into his soft touch.

His uncle shakes his head and sighs, Rey looks relieved and even though his father is indeed happy that his son is still in one piece, he does not like him to be near his once evil grandpa, even though he's just ruffling his hair, so he commands him with furious hand gestures to return to him this minute.

_That's not fair, the minute I'm no longer am afraid of grandpa, I've to come back..._

Ben bites his lower lip, a bit torn, but as he's not sure if he will ever get that chance again, he disobeys his father, who he can feel stiffens in rage, by turning back to his grandpa: "Can you tell me why you turned to the darkside...I think something similar happened to me...I want to learn so I can avoid it happening again..."

"Of course, I will tell you everything you want to know," replies his grandpa sincere and Ben smiles happily.

_Finally someone who won't keep secrets from me!_

Ben turns back, sees the approval in his uncle eyes, Rey's happy smile but despite his father, of course being happy with him not wanting to turn to the darkside again, he's far from happy with him disobeying like that. He stares seething at him like's he thinking of grounding him to the Falcon indefinitely and probably the only reason his father hasn't taken him by force already, is that he looks to be a little scared of his grandpa to come even close to him, which Ben can tell because of the force and the way his feet shake.

It doesn't matter though it's Anakin's ghost but not Vader standing in front of them, the memory of who became is enough to make his father shake in his boot.

_I didn't think I would ever see dad being scared...except of carbonite...I didn't mean to make him mad...or scared...but it was worth the risk! Grandpa is going to tell me everything! No more lies!_

"But in exchange, stop using my pick up lines," says his grandpa suddenly deadly seriously.

"Huh?" Ben turns back to him and stares at him in great confusion.

_What pickup line...?_

* * *

"You look like an angel. I used that to pick up your grandmother, Padmé...when I was nine." Anakin frowns at him and Ben stiffens and looks at Rey, who looks surprised at him.

_Pickupline! I had no idea it was a pickup line!_

"Nine! I'm ten...I'm so sorry...I had no idea!" Yells Ben in desperation as if that was the worst thing he had ever done, but his grandpa frowns disappears at once and he laughs warmly and messes his hair. "Hehe, I'm just messing with you, this just means that we are so connected through the force that you even used my pickup line..." He blinks him teasingly.

Ben's face heat ups and becomes the same colour as his beloved saber. "Stop saying pickup line! It's embarrassing! She's my sister now!" He covers his face and wants to sink into the ground as he so embarrassed.

"Oh...that didn't stop your uncle..." Anakin turns to his son with grin and now it's his turn to blush furiously.

"Father! I didn't know at that time! And it was one kiss...and she kissed me...to piss off Han..."

"Don't remind me..." says his father bitterly, as this is one of his least favourite stories from the past, but his mother often brought it up to tease him mercilessly and to take his mind completely of that travesty, he frowns at Ben and mouths at him:"  _Get here now or else..."_

Ben know that the minute he returns to his father he will take him straight to the Falcon, never mind the dangerous steps in the dark and put him to bed, as it's gotten so late, lecture him, call his mom, get her to lecture him as well and then ground him, to make sure he won't be influenced by his former evil grandpa any longer. As Ben has no wish of any of this happening...yet, as this will undoubtedly happen in the near future, he ignores him and he can feel how his burning anger radiates from him through the force.

_I'm sorry dad but I really need to know these things..._

Rey looks interested in the embarrassing story and wants to hear more, but as neither their father or uncle wants to talk about it, Anakin grins and pats his shoulders. "I know that. I'm just fooling around with you son."

His grandpa then take a seat, as far away from the fire as possible but not too far to edge of the cliff, as he doesn't want to fall off either.

_He's afraid of the fire...? Why? Isn't he a ghost? But then why could he pick him up this easily?_

Ben quickly takes a seat beside his grandpa on his right side, meeting his father's furious gaze, who also has sat down at the other side of the bonfire. He knows that he is just digging himself deeper but he simply can't let go of this chance to be with his grandpa and is willing to sacrifice everything...well almost everything, for it.

_I will explain to him later...I don't want to be grounded for life..._

"Well...please stop. I'm a teacher now..." says his uncle in kind of whiny voice to his own father and sits down on his left side.

He looks at Rey opposite him, who just smiles, though she's probably trying to wrap her head around everything.

"I will try..." begins Anakin and unconsciously his uncle says: "Do or do not...hey!" He glowers at him for falling into that word trap.

"Haha, knew you would say that." Anakin nudges him in the shoulder.

_I had no idea grandpa was such a teaser...maybe it happens when you change into a force ghost?_

"Wait...you're here for a Jedi training, right?" Asks his uncle Rey suddenly.

_Now you ask her?_

Rey nods. "Of course."

"Okay, good." His uncle nods happy and frowns sternly at Ben, like he's saying, look what I model student she is, so polite and attentive why can't you be more like her?!

_Well, I'm not here for a training..uncle hasn't even asked me whether or not I want to be Jedi...again. He just assumes that's what everyone wants...well, he's in for a shock..._

Ben smirks.

"Not everyone is here for a training," remarks his grandpa.

"Huh, what do you mean...?" Ask his uncle but then he shakes his head. "Father, I know Han, Chewie and Artoo aren't, stop teasing me."

"I'm not talking about them," says Anakin leaving his son to be more puzzled and he looks around as if he's expecting to see more people gathered around the fire.

_Grandpa knows I don't want to be trained again?_

His grandfather blinks him.

_He knows...and approves of it..._

"Luke, do you think there is any chance to change my son back...without him turning back to the darkside?" Ask his father suddenly who clearly has had enough of this useless father son banter and frowns at Ben and his stern gaze speak volumes _: "You're in so much trouble. Just wait until your mother hears about this...!"_

Ben gulps and he shouts defencely. "Dad, I don't want to change back! I want to grow up normally and work in your family business."

_Remember I'm trying to be a model son...despite this minor misstep...trust me...I know what I am doing...I'm not betraying you...again!_

His father seems to be a little taken aback by his desperation. "I know that son..." His stern expression gets milder and he smiles at him, as if he's glad Ben remembered his new plan for the future, but he gets angry again the second he hears the man speak who he hates with passion.

"Aw, that's so cute. I would've wanted to stay with mom and help her out, instead of becoming a Jedi...but then I would never have married Padmé nor had the twins..." His grandpa voice's fades out as the story is not as simple as that and he doesn't want to go into details of why it became more complicated, even though Ben want to hear the whole story.

Anakin pats his son head unconsciously, who looks at him surprised over that gesture.

"I want to keep you like this but...," says his father and ignores his father in law, but Ben interjects: "And I don't want to be Jedi!" He glares at his uncle in a challenging way who reacts in shock.

* * *

"You...don't want to be a Jedi..." His uncle gets a dramatic expression like he is choking on something, probably the stew from earlier and Anakin hits his back worriedly as if there is really something stuck in his throat.

"Ow, dad." His uncle frowns at his own father, who looks at him innocently: "What? What did I do?"  
His uncle shakes his head over his own father's cluelessness and turns to Ben. "Why don't you want to be a Jedi...again?" His uncle asks as if that is the only position in the galaxy for those force sensitive.

"They suck!" Ben yells as if the would explain everything that is wrong with the Jedi code.

"They do?" Ask Rey innocently and picks up, now her saber from her packet, inspecting it carefully.

_Sabers don't suck! Just the Jedi!_

His uncle shakes his head and is far from happy that Ben is single handedly destroying his restored teaching career. "No, they don't suck, how dare you say that. Han, control your son."

_Control..,? Does uncle think I'm some ship that dad can pilot? Even the Falcon looks beaten up and doesn't work as he wish...besides dad thinks they suck too!_

Thankfully his father views him as something of flesh and blood, but not some machinery, as he looks at him sternly and lectures him: "Ben, even though you're not going to be Jedi again, you must show respect to your uncle."

_Of course...the minute he stops lying to me and tells me everything!_

However Ben only nods solemnly despite his feelings of betrayal. "Yes, father."

"And me at all times..." His father glowers at him dangerously.

_He's still mad at me..._

Ben nods seriously this time.

"My grandson has a point you know...about Jedi sucking..." Anakin looks deep in thought as if this is some secret he had just unveiled.

_So grandpa turned to the darkside because the Jedi suck? I had no idea..._

"Father, are you telling me you think the Siths are better?" His uncle glares at his own father.

"No, they suck too, they are just much cooler, right Ben?" His grandpa blinks him and Ben nods: "Uhu."

_At least they don't have to be like emotionless robots and they can wear black and have red sabers..._

"Don't teach him stuff like that!" Shout his uncle as his own father, like Ben is thinking of turning to the darkside again because of his pitch.

Rey and his father glare warningly at Ben and Ben shakes his head and waves his hands to show that this is the farthest thing from his mind, easing their fears somewhat, though his father still looks like he wants to drag him from his grandpa, but gratefully doesn't make a move because of his fear.

_Phew...that was a close one..._

Anakin grins. "You're so much fun to tease, son." He pats his son head who folds his arms and pouts despite his old age and does not intent on forgive him yet.

"Oh, come on, son, I was just kidding...Jedi are cool...right Ben?" His grandpa smiles teasingly.

"I guess..." Ben shrugs.

_They do have their moments..._

* * *

"See...hey, my old saber! Where did you get it?" His grandfather uses the force to get the saber from Rey's hand and inspects it happily.

"Your old saber...Maz...don't know..," says Rey and stares first at her suddenly empty hands and then at the saber in the hands of their grandpa. It happened so quickly she barely had a time to blink before the saber vanished from her.

_Gramps is so powerful!_

"It keeps resurfacing...well keep it, good that it stays in the family. But beware that it also has darkside in it." Their grandpa throws the saber back to Rey, who catches it before it hits the ground.

"Thanks...darkside?" She looks at her saber as if she's excepting it to answer her question and puts it in her packet.

_So there is a darkside in sabers after all? But why then did the saber then choose Rey but not me in the vision?_

"Gramps...," begins Ben before he even knows what's he saying.

"Gramps...?!" His father looks murderous that Ben has gotten this familiar with his former evil grandpa already.

_Great, I made him furious again..._

"You can call me that, if you like." His grandpa smiles at him and despite his father glaring at him, Ben has the courage to keep on asking: "Thanks...why...um...actually it was a vision...a what-if future battle between me and Rey, we both reached for the saber but for some reason she could get it, but not I...do you know why that is?"

"It was my saber too...why don't you ask me?" Asks his uncle hurt.

_You never answers my questions directly!_

Ben turns to him with an insufferable sigh. "Do you know why?"

"No..." His uncle's voice trails off.

_Figures...or you are lying to me again!_

"Hmm, can't answer about a things that didn't happen...and really don't try to stop the future...that's exactly how I ended up turning to the darkside." Anakin lectures him.

_I knew it that was the reason he turned!_

Ben grins victoriously, but as his grandpa misunderstand why he's grinning and frowns sternly at him, Ben quickly puts on a remorseful look: "I know..I did try that...I nearly killed the rebels..." He mutters the last part, Rey and his father shake their head while his uncle looks at him in shock. "He did...when? Oh, when he tried to the get the saber back?" Now it is his uncle turn to frown at him.

"Rebel killing is in the family after all..." says Anakin with a grin.

"Father!" His uncle looks at him outraged despite it being the truth.

"It was all accident! His temper and fear got out of control...he was afraid of meeting you," says his father furiously as the idea of drawing a parallel between his son and grandpa is something he does not want at all and points at his uncle.

"Me?" His uncle points at himself as if he is the most innocent being in the existence.

"I told you I was afraid of turning back into Kylo Ren and kill him..." says Ben frustrated that they keep bringing his fear of scoldings up.

_And I thought you and mom were sending me away for good..._

"You said you were also of afraid of his scoldings," remarks Rey.

"Not afraid..." mutters Ben.

_Though scoldings do scare me...a lot..._

He meets his father's stern gaze and gulps.

"You were afraid to meet Luke..." His grandpa snickers behind his hand.

His uncle glares at him. "What's so funny father?"

"Ah, nothing, to me you will just always be the kid that I could easily chop the hand off and I had to save from being electrocuted by the emperor...after you threw your lightsaber away like an idiot...really what were you thinking?" Anakin shakes his head and frowns sternly at his son.

_Uncle getting scolded like a little child...by someone who looks much younger than he is..._

"I'm much stronger today...and I would never make the same mistake of underestimating my opponent..." says his uncle shamefully and Anakin just smiles. "Of course, I myself lost a hand in duel against Count Doku, Yoda had to come and save me and Obi-Wan and...umm my whole body burned in the duel against Obi-Wan...where is the old traitor anyway?" Despite his wording, his grandpa says the word fondly but not with hatred.

_His whole body burned...that's why he's so afraid of a fire! And that's why he was wearing a suit! Ow, that must have hurt!_

"Doku...Yoda...Obi-Wan...?" Asks Rey confused, who has picked up entirely different information from that story.

"They are old Jedi masters...except Doku also became a Sith," says his uncle before Ben has a chance to inform her, as he's settling into his teacher role.

"What's a Sith?" Asks Rey.

"A darkside user," says his uncle darkly. "Like those two were." He points at his father and Ben, who looks shameful despite not really remembering that time while his grandpa just look innocently into the starry sky: "It would be nice to see Obi again," It's like he's expecting Obi to appear there.

"Father, isn't it enough to meet one forceghost in a day?" His uncle shakes his head and looks at his father, Rey and himself, who all agree with that sentiment by nodding.

"You're right and I don't want Obi to meet Ben, he will scold him for turning to the darkside and blame me...I'm not in the mood for any yelling," says Anakin and shivers in disgust.

_Scold..._

"Me neither..." Ben gets sick at the thought as he is already nervous enough over the one he will get from his father.

"Who's ever in a mood for yelling?" His father smirks and looks pointedly at Ben, who just knows he's waiting for an opportunity for them to be alone, so he can scold him for real.

_I better explain my side of things...before he calls mom..._

However Ben has hardly begun to formulate his defence, when an unknown voice speaks from behind him: "I'm not going to yell at you."

* * *

"Obi!" Yells Anakin as happy as someone that an important guest got his dinner invitation.

_Where did he come from? Did he really come from the sky?!_

But that isn't the only strange thing about Obi's appearance, as Ben had expected to see a much older man, kind of like his uncle's age or older, but instead this Obi-Wan looks to be somewhat older than his grandpa, not that much and Ben thinks he must be about the age at the end of the Clone Wars, judging from the holos he had studied. The time when he still was Anakin's master.

"Ben," says his uncle who recognizes him despite his age being different and smiles like everything is right with the world again, but he never smiles like that when he says his nephew's name only lectures him.

_Figures..._

"Ben? I thought his name was Obi-Wan," asks Rey who tries to keep up with everything and Obi replies: "It's my nickname and codename from the Clone Wars. Let's just enjoy this meal together. You seems to be out of the loop...Han as well." Obi sit down beside his uncle.

"You're so young now..." His father stares at his old, now young friend in bewilderment and in a little bit of envy.

Obi nods seriously. "Thanks to the force."

"Who are you...?" Ask Rey and Obi answers by pointing at his uncle: "I'm his old master...and before his." He frowns sternly at his grandpa who smiles awkwardly.

_At least their current age difference looks to be right...wait, Obi died when he was much older...why is he also young? What's the force doing by making everyone younger? Hmm, maybe he is bringing the old Jedi master back in their prime to fight against the First Order...but why in the kriffing, did it turn me into a child? I can't fight like this! Maybe I'm not supposed to fight...wait...I'm a child...why have I started to refer to myself as I having changed...I don't truly remember ever being an adult...am I changing? Or is my mind just messing with me again?_

"The only one missing now is master Yoda," says Anakin as if he's listing up an invitation list.

 _I wasn't aware we were having a party..._  
"Yoda is not coming. Not now at least," says Obi.

_Not now...? When then?_

"Why not? Maybe he knows something about why Ben changed?" His uncle is so disappointed over Yoda not coming, that he pouts.

_What happened to only one forceghost per day? Suddenly he wants to have three!_

His father and Rey looks to be thinking the same thing as they stare in horror at his uncle.

"Maybe he changed him? Because he's was so tired of being the only small Jedi around?" His grandpa snickers but all of a sudden, Obi reaches over his uncle and pulls his former padawan's ear and scolds him, making his uncle's and Ben's eyes go wide in surprise. "Anakin, show some respect! Yoda will come at a later time."

Obi folds his arms, his grandpa pouts while rubbing his sore ear and his uncle also look down over the news, while his father, Rey and himself exhale in relief over the fact there is not another force ghost joining them.

_This all too strange already..am I dreaming? Is this all one strange dream? Will I wake up and none...not even my transformation happened? I don't want to end up with the First Order again!_

Ben is about to run to his dad because he's afraid that if he doesn't that could indeed happen, but when he stands up a mighty voice booms from behind them: "Change him I did not."

"Yoda!" Anakin and his son shout happily together, when the small green alien walks towards them, limping with a cane.

_What the...where the...did he come from? The sky? I've no idea what's happening anymore...!_

"You gotta to be kidding me." His father shakes his head as the Jedi gathering keeps getting larger.

Rey looks bewildered as well.

_Is Yoda also younger? It's hard to tell...he has a cane...but maybe he's just showing off..._

"You came after all," remarks Obi a bit annoyed over having been fooled and Yoda smirks and shrugs offhandedly. "No other plans I had."

_He probably just wanted to arrive fashionably late or something..._

"Who is Yoda?" Ask Rey and their grandpa answers excitedly: "Just one of the greatest Jedi masters there ever was..."

Their uncle and Obi nod to confirm that.

"Really...?" Rey sizes Yoda up.

"Judge me by the size you do?" Yoda frowns at her.

"Umm...sorry..." Rey hangs her head in shame.

With a grim look Yoda suddenly walks quickly over to Ben and is suddenly not limping at all! And as he looks to have great vengeance in mind, Ben starts to run away but Yoda trips him with his cane making him falling onto the ground, the face first. He turns around and sees Yoda advancing on him.

_Oh, no I'm at the mercy of one of the greatest Jedi masters ever!_

* * *

_Next up: Forceghost party_

 

 


	15. The forceghostparty and the ultimate test

"You...the force this did." Yoda frowns and him and pokes him in the stomach with his cane.

_I figured as much..._

Ben sits up relieved that he does not plan on killing him for turning to the darkside, while his father looks as outraged as if Yoda had just pointed a blaster at him.

He looks as if he's about to give Yoda a piece of his mind and as Ben really does not want his father to be locked in a battle with one the greatest Jedi master, even though it just a silly argument, he stands up and asks in a hurry: "Why? And why do you talk like that?"

"Talk like what I do?" Yoda leans onto the cane and tilts his head in surprise.

Ben sighs. "Never mind...why did the force change me?"

"You...willed it." Yoda pokes him again with the cane and Ben backs away, even though the poking doesn't hurt him, it annoys him and angers his father needlessly.

"Willed it...how?" asks Ben.

_I can control the force...? This way? I wished for this...? To save dad? So this truly is a miracle?_

He glances at his father who watches Yoda's every move and Ben shakes his head over his sudden overprotectiveness.

"The pull between the two sides, dark and light, too strong were." Yoda nods as if that would explain everything.

_So there really is a smallside? The middleground of the force?_

"Has this happened before?" ask his uncle and seems to be imagining more cases of Jedi or Sith turning into children, but Yoda shakes his head sadly. "That I do not know."

"Is there any chance he can change back suddenly?" His father stares concerned at Ben, as if he's expecting him to change back with a pop and Yoda shakes his head once more: "That I do not either know. Must research we must do, train hard you must...you will never again turn back to the darkside..." He frowns sternly at Ben who rolls his eyes mentally.

_No one knows anything, four Jedi masters and none of them knows anything. What's the kriffing point in being here?! Though I don't mind speaking more with grandad..._

Ben's eyes go wide in shock when he sees that Obi steals his spot beside grandpa.

_Why that..._

Yoda clears his throat behind him, making Ben jump up and turn to him.

"Of course not master Yoda..." Ben says politely but stiffens when he sees how Yoda stares intently at him, as if he's thinking on poking him more with the cane.

_Oh, o he's reading my mind..._

"Be careful of your thoughts, young one. Calm your mind..." Yoda suddenly sniffs into the air and his face lights up with a smile."Umm, my favourite this is!" He swiftly sits down beside Obi, picks up a bowl and pours the grub into it with fast movement.

_Calm your mind you say...? I think I'm slowly losing it..._

Ben stares at the bizarre scene in front of him.

"Since when could ghosts eat?" Asks Rey in a low voice to his father, who look as bewildered as she is over the force ghost party that has suddenly gathered by the fire to dine with them.

"I don't know anything..." His father stares at him, as if he knows anything.

Ben shrugs his shoulders, but then his father brows deepens and he scowls at him as if he's remembering he's still supposed to be unhappy with him for disobeying earlier.

_Great...what can I do to get his forgiveness again? One minute he wants to protect me from the world and the next he wants to yell at me till my ears fall off...no middle ground..._

Ben thinks about whether he should return to him and end this farce once and for all, but as his father is already mad with him, he decides to to sit next to his uncle who sits beside his grandpa, as that is the only vacated spot left closest to his grandpa.

_Dad can't be as mad with me for sitting next to uncle?_

His uncle looks surprised to see him sitting next to him so suddenly and a tiny bit happy, but doesn't comment on it, while his father furrows his brow and has hard time deciding whether to stay mad at him or not. At last he settles on being a little jealous.

_Jealous is better than him being mad at me..._

"The force is changing us as well. We are becoming more solid...more lifelike with each day...but for what purpose I do not know," says Obi-Wan and Yoda dips the bowl back with a happy expression.

"More lifelike...?" Rey is getting more confused by the minute as she watches Yoda lowering the bowl with a content smile.

"You mean you are coming back to life?" Ask his father incredulously as Yoda pours himself another bowl.

"Something like that..." replies Obi and his uncle stares at his own father in wonder who only grins.

"Not exactly alive...," says Yoda between mouthfuls. "Only the darkside bring someone back from the dead tries to do."

_Darkside but the light saved me...I knew this was some grand plan with the force! But where do I fit in...?_

"But listen, there is nothing shameful about losing a duel, that comes with being a jedi apprentice..." His grandpa picks up the conversation with his son as if nothing had interrupted him. "I even lost the final duel to you when I was Sith Lord...you chopped my hand off...you were so angry, that you nearly went to the darkside."

_Uncle nearly went to the darkside! He never told me! No one did!_

"Really...why?" Asks Ben in calm voice despite his excitement over getting so juicy information.

Yoda and Obi frown at his uncle who clears his throat awkwardly. "That's a story for another time. Ben, you must learn to control your..."

Ben interrupts him and turns to his grandpa who sits beside his uncle: "Gramps, when you tried to save grandma from dying in childbirth...?"

_If he's not going to answer me, I'm not going to answer him...two can play at that game..._

His uncle grabs his shoulder. "Ben, I was talking to you." He looks at him hurt, disappointed and little bit angry.

_He probably thought that I was going to be better student since I sat down beside him..._

"Ben, listen to your uncle," scolds his father, who probably thought the same and frowns at him, as if he's seeing his new seating arrangement in a new light.

_I wonder if he saw through my deception..._

"Benny, don't be rude," says Rey and frowns at him.

"You must listen to your uncle's teachings," says Obi.

"Listen you must," says Yoda.

"Listen to Luke," says his grandpa mildly, even though he's probably the only one who understands Ben's frustration and why Ben showed that attitude towards his uncle in the first place.

"Fine..." Ben huffs in irritation as he had not except having to deal with everyone's scolding at once.

_Not fair to have all the adults yell at me..._

"Drop that attitude this minute, young man," says his father sternly and as his scolding is really the only one Ben truly cares for, he hangs his head in shame and lifts his shoulders to his ears and mutters: "Sorry..."

His father shakes his head and turns to his uncle. "Was he always like this when he was training with you first time around...? Did he never listen?"

"Well..." His uncle's voice trails off.

_Oh, no! I don't remember anything about my earlier training, but uncle doesn't have to go further than to the time he tried to teach me to mediate this night before gramps showed up. The only downside with having dad with me is that I can't get away with as much. Dad will lecture me until one of my ears fall off, then he will call mom and let her yell my other ear off and Rey will scolds me as well...and I was already in deep trouble for disobeying him by joining grandpa!_

His father scowls at Ben, as if he's seeing his turn to the darkside in a whole new light and plans on being much stricter with him.

_I will so get the lecture of a lifetime later..._

* * *

"Your nephew doesn't' listen...like a certain someone," says Obi matter-of-factly.

"I did listen! Wait, nephew...?" Anakin looks surprised at Obi, who sit at his right side.

He frowns at him: "Yes, I didn't mean you...not this time..."

_Haha, uncle is so gonna get scolded!_

His uncle stiffens when realising who Obi is talking about. "Hey...I did too...listen I mean..."

"Oh, like that time when you went untrained to fight with Vader," scoffs Obi and narrows his eyes at him.

Yoda, who sits at Obi's right side, shakes his head. "Bad decision that was."

"Hey, I'm right here..or well was..." Anakin frowns in confusion.

_Wow, gramps is dealing with the same craziness as I. Never quite know who I am anymore... I wish I could get to talk with him alone, there is so much he could teach me, so much he will only understand, but I will never be allowed to get unsupervised time with him...haha uncle is getting scolded..._

"I did it to save my friends...Han, Leia, Chewie and Threepio and I would've never have gotten the truth otherwise," says uncle and looks very annoyed that his old master is dragging up the past to scold him...instead of scolding the former dark side users, especially Ben, as was his uncle's wish.

_Hah! That sure blew up in your face!_

"Well, I wouldn't say never. I was hunting you down...it would just have been at a different place..." says Anakin sincerely and his son shakes his head: "You're not helping father..."

"Sorry," says his grandpa shamefully.

"But I had to save my friends." His uncle pleads but Obi's frown only gets deeper. "You walked right into a trap...and Leia had to save you. You nearly fell to your death...and don't get me started on your idiotic plan to save Han from Jabba the Hut." Obi shakes his head exasperated and Yoda does as well.

"Don't talk about that time..." His father start to shiver and grabs his head in panic.

_Poor dad...stop talking about that awful time!_

Ben glares at Obi and his uncle who does not notice anything wrong and snaps at his old master: "My so called "idiot" plan worked...eventually...didn't it? He's sitting right there." He points at his father who looks to be in great pain from the memories and yet his uncle does not notice anything wrong.

_Dad!_

Rey, Yoda and Obi all look worried while his grandpa looks guilty and shameful.

Anakin frowns at his clueless son, slaps him upside the head and mutters: "Idiot."

"Hey, what was that?" His uncle rubs the back of the head with a hurt look, but at long last he sees the pain his old friend is experiencing again. "Oh...I'm so sorry Han...but, Obi was the one who brought it up..." He bites lower lip and his grandpa glares at Obi for bringing it up, who looks down in shame.

"Are you alright? Asks Rey, who has no clue about the horror their father had to go through.

Even though his father never really talked about that time he was put in carbonite and his mother hardly could, he had often nightmares about it and sometimes woke up screaming and drenched in sweat. Nevertheless his father always tried to brush them off and told Ben not to worry about him whenever he wanted to comfort him, that this would eventually pass. But despite the bravado his father put on, Ben could tell that he was suffering quietly. He just didn't want to admit any weakness in front of him.

_Well, no more. He does not have to suffer alone anymore..._

* * *

 

Ben sprints to him, hugs him in support and whispers: "Dad, you're safe now."

His father looks up at him flummoxed as he tries to figure out where he is, then he smiles sadly and pats his arm. "Thank you son."

_Glad I could help..._

However as Ben is afraid of being captured he uses his force reflexes to retreat back, but as he hurries too much back, he doesn't see where he ends up till it's too late.

Dumbfounded he stares into the face of his puzzled grandpa, where he suddenly sits on his lap.

_It's because of our force connection! There is just no other way!_

The other Jedi look bewildered at him, while his father frowns at him in great anger and Rey furrows her brows in confusion over the constant battle between father and son, but doesn't intervene in any way.

_Well, at least he's not thinking about the carbonite any longer...but maybe he feels some betrayal...as I'm sitting on the lap of the one who put him into it! I really should hurry back before he really decides to ground me for life!_

Ben stiffens in fright and his grandpa, who notices the tension between father and son, says quietly: "Han, I'm sorry for putting you in the carbonite."  
His father huffs.

_Of course one sorry will never get him rid of all the trauma..._

"And for...everything evil I did to you and...my Leia..."

_Which apparently is a long list..._

"My Leia...?" Snort his father but doesn't comment further on that, his uncle however pats his own father's back in support, who nods to confirm the bloodline with his daughter.

His grandpa looks so remorseful that Ben just wants to hug him while his father shakes his head, as he does not plan on giving him his forgiveness so easily.

He glares at his son, as if he knows he thinking of giving his former enemy a hug on top of sitting on his lap and says dangerously: "Ben, this is your last chance..."

_No way, I'm not coming back to you when you are so angry with me...you might even try to use Chewie's former interesting punishment on me...even though you promised never to hit me again...but you're too angry to think straight...calm down first and then we will talk..._

"Ben, go to your father," says his uncle firmly, who at last notices the battle of will between father and son.

_I'm not listening to you..._

Obi and Yoda nods as well, but Ben doesn't really care for their opinion either. Rey just looks surprised at the ways he's acting.

"Ben, you really should go to your father," His grandpa lifts him up from his lap and puts him down the ground and his father looks speechless that his former enemy is helping him get his son back.

_If gramps wants it...perhaps I should..._

* * *

"That reminds me Luke, of how you surrendered yourself to your father that brought you straight to the Emperor," says Obi to his uncle, as if nothing had interrupted him in scolding his uncle for past misdeeds.

"I was surprised as well that you came willingly," says Anakin, who looks grateful that they had changed the topic, even though it still concerns his dark past.

_Wow, uncle is braver than I thought...I don't want to surrender myself to my father and he's not even a dark lord!_

Ben takes a look at his father, who seems to be hoping that he's learning something from that story, obey your father at all times even if he's a darkside user...

"He was willing to throw everything away because he believed he was right...so arrogant." Obi shakes his head and Yoda does as well.

_Okay, maybe that's not the moral of the story after all..._

His uncle stands up furiously: "Hey, why are you all ganging up on me?" He points at his own father at his side and his nephew in front of him. "These two here turned to the darkside. That's much worse than what I did."

"Yes, stop picking on my son...and leave my grandson alone." The former Sith Lord glares threateningly at the two old Jedi masters.

_Gramps wants to protect me from their rage...? He's so cool!_

But Ben quickly sits down beside his uncle before he has the urge to sit with his grandpa again.

Obi nods. "True, but your father here has already payed a heavy price for his mistake and redeemed himself and well your nephew has been given a second chance. While you have to admit your own mistakes if you are going to teach anyone anything...especially since you already failed your nephew once."

He frowns at his uncle, making Ben smirks victoriously, while his uncle sighs in defeat. "Fine...I admit all these...actions were...kinda stupid..." He looks apologetically at Rey, at the other side of the fire, who just smiles reassuringly at him but it's not like she find another teacher in the Jedi arts.

"It's always better to admit your mistakes, son." Anakin grins and slaps his son's back who still pouts after admitting a humiliating defeat.

"But I guess you get all the brain headed stunts from your father. Ben, don't do the same mistakes they did...again...but I guess idiocy runs in the your family." Obi smirks.

"Hey!" Shouts Anakin and his son at him together.

"Mom's not an idiot," says Ben insulted.

Obi nods. "You're right."

His uncle and grandpa nods as well.

"Are you calling me a one?" Asks his father through clenched teeth and as Ben has no intention of getting into more trouble, though he sometimes thinks he father can be bit stupid, he waves his hands in front of his face: "Of course not! We are talking about the Skywalker bloodline."

"Hmm, fair enough..." His father looks satisfied with that answer while his grandpa and uncle don't look impressed with his answer.

Obi and Yoda nod in an agreement and Rey looks lost.

_I can't please everyone..._

"I won't do the same mistakes...but then I also need to know everything," says Ben and frowns at the gathering of Jedis and his family.

_Please stop lying to me...gramps is the only one who wants to tell me everything._

"Important truth is...but truth also dangerous can be," says Yoda as if he can see right into his mind.

The Jedis all nod in agreement even his grandpa albeit reluctantly, Rey listens attentively while his father, seems to see think that there is something to gain from having these Jedis around after all.

"Ben, it's very important that you listen to your uncle...and well all of the other Jedi masters..." His father sighs, as he looks over the new Jedi "council".  
"Even me?" His grandpa points at himself innocently and Obi interjects: "You never became a Jedi master, you were just a Jedi Knight."

"Don't remind me..." Now it's the time for Anakin to sulk but he adds hopefully: "But I had a padawan..."

_Gramps had a padawan?_

Ben's eyes goes wide in excitement and wonder and he wants to hear everything about his grandpa's past.

_I better stay put after all!_

"Yes, but you don't have to be Jedi master to have a student, remember I was padawan myself when I took you as student...because the Jedi council didn't want to train you...they were afraid of your powers..." Obi's voice trails off as he looks at Yoda at his side, who frowns. "And right we were of course, but the force works in mysterious way and everything out turned fine...until the rise of the First Order...but now a new hope there is." He stares ahead with a mysterious expression.

_Is Yoda talking about me or Rey? I can hardly do much in my state..._

"But today you're a member of the new Jedi council," says Obi to Anakin, whose eyes go wide in surprise: "Really?" He looks at the other Jedis like this is an old dream coming true.

Yoda nods, his uncle smiles making his grandpa beam happily. "Thanks, Obi-Wan!"

"You're welcome son." Obi smiles.

_Son?_

"Even...you...Anakin...we really don't want to stay here forever..." His father looks sick at the thought of staying with so many Jedis and has probably gotten a great headache trying to keep a track of everything they are saying.

_Dad will go nuts with all these Jedis...poor Rey has no idea what's going on anymore..._

Rey looks to be more baffled by the minute but as model student tries to take everything in.

"Yes...of course not father..." Ben nods.

_I want to go back to mom as soon as possible..._

His father smiles. "Good boy...aren't you cold? You are sitting so far away from the fire...I don't want you to catch cold..." He stands up before Ben can answer and rummages for something in the sack, probably a blanket.

_Phew...he's not so mad at me any more..._

"But that is correct, I had horrible visions of her death...and I only ended up making everything much worse..." answers his grandpa, at long last, his question and grabs his head as if he's in great pain.

"Much, far worse..." Obi narrows his eyes and pats his back sternly.

"Never try to change the future one must not do," says Yoda with deadly serious expression, like someone had died, which is what happened because of his grandfather's action.

_I know I'm not supposed to try to change the future in any shape or form...but I nevertheless I can make sure some things don't happen again..._

"How worse...?" Ben's voice fades as he suddenly, feels something warm wrap tightly around his upper body from behind, and before he knows what is happening, he is lifted high into the air and pulled away, out of the conversation.

* * *

"Dad?!" He yells in surprise and fright, when he sees he's the one behind his abduction, by using a blanket like a net and removing him from the Jedi "council."

_I thought he was too scared to take me from grandpa!_

"This is way too dark topic for so young ears." His father sits down with him in front of the fire and holds him tightly with one arm, as if he's afraid that he's going to run away from him at the first opportunity, fetches his bowl, puts it on the ground and pours the grub into it.

_No, not this again! Is he still at mad me after all?!_

Ben thrashes around in the blanket like a fish on a dry land to get away from the horrible food. He pouts over having been captured this easily and hates being wrapped in the blanket, as it obscures his every movement, reminding him a bit too much of the time when he was in his old self oversized clothes. But there is small a bright side to all this and that is the fact that his father had not brought him straight back to the Falcon, as he had feared he would do.

_Dad would probably put me on leash like a little kid if he had the chance. I hope he does not intent on feeding me like a toddler...and is really planning on covering my ears each time something comes up I'm not supposed to hear...?_

"I agree." His uncle nod solemnly and Yoda does as well. "Too young for this he is."

Obi nods too and the only one on the Jedi council who looks to be skeptical is his grandpa, but he doesn't say anything to object to their ruling.

_No, they agree! Dad won't even have to cover up my ears..._

"But I turned to the darkside...I need to know!" Ben shouts indignantly.

_Come on...I need information!_

"You need to eat." His father pulls the blanket to free his hands and puts the bowl into them.

Ben looks into the unappetizing meal and back his father in shock.

_I said I was not going to eat this! Are you so mad at me that you're really willing to poison me..?_

"This stew is very nutritious for you, you will get a dessert after." His father gives him a reassuring smile, as if knowing what kind of food this would make it taste better and even the promise of a dessert did not make him feel any better.

_This...stew...will just ruin the taste of it..._

Ben sees the uncompromising gaze of his father, as if he's really thinking about spoonfeeding like a toddler, if he doesn't start eating this minute, so he takes the spoon and dips it warily in into the stew.

Right before taking his first bite, he sees the smirk on Rey that he has to eat this food even after all his whining and the whole Jedi council watches him as well, as this is some test he has to undertake.

_I guess I can't disappoint them..._

As soon as the spoon is in his mouth, he can feel a heat emanating from the stew even though it's stonecold.

_Heat, I thought it didn't have a taste..._

Ben swallows it in the hope that this won't be as bad as it looks, but as soon as the first mouthful has landed, he feels a great burn in his mouth and throat and fire comes straight out of his ear and nose.

"Gagh!" He coughs violently, startling everyone present, ghosts and living.

"Oh, sorry I forgot to mention it's a bit spicy. Are you alright?" His father hands him quickly a water bottle which Ben gulps down on greedily.

_A bit?!_

"Are you okay, Benny?" Asks Rey upset, that she's somewhat to blame for his current pain.

_I failed the test...didn't I? But wait..._

"Spicy! But uncle said it was bland!" Ben looks accusingly as his uncle.

_It's your fault! I wasn't prepared! Was this maybe your revenge?_

"Bland, you say hmm?" Yoda lifts one eyebrow disapprovingly at his former padawan.

"For my taste, the food on Tantooine is much spicier," says his uncle in his defence and Anakin and Obi nod to confirm that.

_Spicer!_

"Same with Jakku," says Rey and looks guilty. "Are you okay now?"

Ben nods to confirm that, but looks at his father in bewilderment: "But, dad how could you eat this so easily?"

His father shrugs. "I'm used to your mom's cooking..."  
"Mom's a great cook!" Shouts Ben.

_How dare you say that?!_

His father nods slowly. "She is...except the food you are used to eating is made by Threepio."

_That is true...as mom is often away..._

"My Threepio can cook?" His grandpa gapes and when Ben nods the rest of the party looks surprised as well, especially his uncle who starts to see Threepio in a new light.

"But I can't literally eat this without burning up...sorry." Ben's voice trail off the minute he lays his eyes on his grandpa.

_I really shouldn't talk so easily about something burning up, in front of guy who survived being burnt alive and had to life in a suit...!_

His grandpa smiles sadly. "It's okay. The guy who should be sorry for that is this guy." He points annoyed at Obi who frowns at him. "You were evil...I had to stop you."

"But you couldn't even finish me off. Just left me to die there...burning alive on a lava planet..." Anakin glares at him and Obi gulps and blushes shamefully. "I...well I didn't want to kill you because we were brothers...and too late I realized...that it was more like father and son..."

"Yes, you were the father, I literally never had." Anakin scoffs.

_Literally? Did grandpa's dad abandoned him...no I think uncle tried to explain to me once, that the force made him...however that works...poor gramps...he's been through so much..._

"Yes...not my wisest move leaving you there...but it all worked out in the end. You came back to the light." He forces a smile but his grandpa scowls at him. "Thanks to my son."

"Which I trained," says Obi firmly.

"And I," says Yoda but his uncle shakes his head. "I wouldn't call it training...I had to learn must of the stuff on my own...but I know how to teach..." Their uncle looks at Rey, as if she had any doubt about his ability to teach but she only send him a encouraging and a patient smile.

"True that is...about you needing to learn things on your own," says Yoda shamefully. "But this time we can help you..."

_Yeah right..._

"But dad I really can't eat this..." Ben whines as he has had enough of the Jedi drama for one night even though it's awesome to hear tales of his grandpa past, so he draws the attention back to his foodfight.

_Literally, figuratively, no kriffing way!_

His father sighs, takes the bowl away and hands it to Rey at his side, who says nothing this time about food wasting. Instead she throws it over the cliff into the sea, with the same ferocity as the food had physically hurt her little brother. She even glares after it as if daring it to come back.

_Good thing she's back on my side again...it's no joke to have her as an enemy..._

The Jedi council minus of course their grandpa, looks a little taken aback by her violent actions so she smiles apologetically and rubs her neck in a shy manner and they let it go,most likely because of her charms. Their grandpa only laughs.

She sits down by his father's side and ruffles Ben's hair and smiles, as if saying you're save now, the evil food is not coming back to hurt you and Ben smiles gratefully at her.

"Since this is your first day here, you can just eat the dessert, no telling your mom..." His father leans sideways, to reach for something in the sack he brought back from the Falcon.

"If you won't tell her about my bad behaviour, I won't tell her that you just gave me dessert for dinner!" says Ben rapidly but stiffens, when his father turns sharply to him with an annoyed expression that says that he's far from happy with that blackmail.

_Did I go too far...?_

Ben sees that Rey and the Jedi council minus his grandpa thinks that but his grandpa only laughs at his audacity.

However his father knits brows in thought, then he nods satisfied. "Deal." He puts his fist forward for a fistbump.

_Phew..._

Rey and the Jedi council don't seem to approve of his father leniency, but don't say anything to object to it, as it is technically none of their business except Rey's, despite him turning to the darkside once. His grandpa smiles over the happy ending and Rey shakes her head over his endless naughtiness.

But when Ben thinks he's in the clear, his father suddenly pinches his cheek hard. "But for now on promise to obey me at all times. I'm only thinking about what's best for you, kid." He lets go his cheek and looks at him pleadingly. "You must listen to me."

"I know and I promise...but are you willing to listen to my needs?" Ben rubs his chin and looks pleadingly at him as well.

_Not just force on me what you think is the right thing for me? I need you to trust me...we need to have an open dialogue...and really there is no need to afraid of gramps any more..._

His father thinks this request quickly over, nods and smiles. "Of course...I've a surprise for you." He unwraps something from the sack and puts into his hand.

"A Wookie cookie?" Ben stares in disbelief at the huge chocolate cookie in his hand.

_This must be a mistake...Chewie would never..._

"It's a present from Chewie." His father smiles as if everything is alright with the world again.

_Wow! Chewie has truly forgiving me if he has started giving me these!_

Ben munches happily on the cookie. "But I need to know the dark stuff too..."

_He's giving me a cookie, despite being furious with me earlier but maybe he feels bad for letting me eat too spicy food...I really shouldn't push my luck..._

Rey, the Jedi council even his grandpa think so as well and even though his father seems to think it too, he nods his head in agreement: "Yes...but you don't need to know everything at once, we have plenty of time. I also think it would be better to try to understand why you changed and if there is any danger of you changing back suddenly...I want to keep you like this, but we better be prepared in case." His father stares ahead as if he's trying to picture that kind of a future.

"Oh...right. I'm worried about that too." Ben takes another bite of the cookie.

_But I'm not as worried as I used to be...as I won't have to face it alone..._

His uncle sighs and gazes into the sky. "I wish I knew. This is all so mysterious. It will take some time to find out what happened...I've no idea where to start." He looks at the other Jedis who shrugs.

_No help from them...as usual..._

"How about starting with my training?" Rey stands up as if she wants them to start right away and stop this dawdling.

"Who is this girl...? You're so familiar...force, I think I know..." Anakin covers his mouth in shock.

_He knows her?!_

"You do?" His son look surprised at him as does the rest of party.

"I'm Rey. I'm just a scavenger." Rey smiles a confident smile.

* * *

_To be continued in Pull to the smallside 2: The first order snatch back..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to make this a trilogy where Ben is a child in episode 7 (the latter half), 8 and 9. But it might changes, as no one knows what the future beholds (thank the maker!) so I can't make any promises yet...but I have at least rewritten TLJ with child Ben, which comes in two parts (I'm rewriting it). I also want to make one for nine.
> 
> Food on Tantooine and Jakku being spicer - I doubt it, but if you think about how in our world how spicy food is often in hot countries, I don't think it's that farfetched...but at least it works here for the joke.
> 
> Wookie cookies are from Lego Star Wars - Force Awakens, same with the name Djearik battle but it's the holochess ;)


End file.
